BEETLE JUICE



                                   by

                             Warren Skaaren



                       From an original screenplay

                                   by

                            Micheal McDowell



                           based on a story by

                    Michael McDowell and Larry Wilson






                                                   SECOND DRAFT

                                                   August 4, 1986












 


        [NOTE: THE ORIGINAL PAPER COPY OF THIS SCRIPT CONTAINED
        SCENE NUMBERS, WHICH HAVEN'T BEEN RETAINED FOR THIS FILE.]













        FADE IN:

        EXT. WINTER RIVER, CONNECTICUT - DAY

        A crisp and perfect New England town.  Almost too neat to
        be real.  No visible townspeople.  CAMERA EXPLORES town.

        CAMERA FLIES OVER a rickety bridge -- PAST the Maitland
        Hardware and Appliance Store -- PAST the church -- the
        Historical Society -- UP OVER the graveyard on the hill
        and finally --

        TO the Maitland house.  The perfect Victorian house surveying
        the perfect village.  Suddenly --

        A giant daddy longlegs spider -- mounts the crest of
        hill beside the house, pauses to wave a spindly leg and
        then creeps menacingly on top of the Maitland house.

                                ADAM (O.S.)
                  Well, well, you're a big fella...!

        A hand -- as big as God's -- with a huge tweezer, gently
        reaches down out of the sky and lies, palm up, in the
        yard next to the house.  Daddy longlegs climbs into it.
        The hand raises into the sky again.


        INT. ATTIC - NEW ANGLE - DAY

        Reveals Winter River as a miniature town, while the daddy
        longlegs and the hand are normal size.  Above the model
        are a homely representation of moon, sun, and stars -- a
        whole, tiny mechanical universe to track the hours of the
        day.  A large plat map of the city is prominent on the
        wall.

        The hand is ADAM MAITLAND's.  In his late 30's, he's a
        solid easy-going citizen.  Capra used to make movies
        about him.

        Adam's model town sprawls across most of the attic space.
        Windows on either end of the attic shed good light into
        the warm room.  Adam very carefully lifts the spider out
        the open window.  Smiles as he drops him lightly on the
        breeze.

        CAMERA TILTS UP FROM the window to see -- the real Winter
        River, laid out exactly as the model, at the foot of the
        hill.  Adam breathes deeply and looks very pleased at the
        glorious town below him.

        ON his huge hand again -- as it reaches into model and
        tweezes a tiny sign into the tiny window of Maitland's
        Hardware Store on Main Street.  It reads:

                         ADAM AND BARBARA MAITLAND
                                    ARE
                               ON VACATION!
                                  HOORAY!

        Adam leans down and eyes the sign.

                                BARBARA
                         (behind him)
                  I'm ready!

        Adam turns to see entering:  BARBARA MAITLAND, 35 -- a
        wholesome beauty who is mellowing well.  She smiles at
        him.  Perhaps a certain tinge of sadness about her, be-
        cause they don't have children.

                                ADAM
                         (happy to see her)
                  She's ready.

                                BARBARA
                         (eyeing the model)
                  Oh, Adam, the model looks so good.
                  The Historical Society will love
                  it.  You've finished the streets?

                                ADAM
                         (nodding)
                  Almost.

        She pushes a wrapped present across the table.

                                BARBARA
                  Happy vacation, honey!

        Adam smiles and gives her a present.  He opens his
        present.  A can of furniture oil.

                                ADAM
                  Manchurian Tung oil?  Where did
                  you get it?

                                BARBARA
                  Helen got it for me in Oslo.

                                ADAM
                  God... Manchurian Tung oil?
                  There's enough to refinish the
                  gateleg table and the cherry
                  wardrobe!

        Barbara nods and unwraps her gift.  Rolls of very expensive
        floral wallpaper.  She cradles it like gold leaf.

                                BARBARA
                  Oh, Adam!  It's Laura Ashley,
                  isn't it?

        He nods.

                                ADAM
                  Enough to do the guest room.

        PHONE RINGS.  They freeze, then grin.

                                ADAM & BARBARA
                         (unison)
                  No one's home!

                                BARBARA
                  Oh, I love it.  I can get the
                  guest room done.

                                ADAM
                  Yeah, I want to get one coat on
                  the wardrobe and then I'll help
                  you.

                                BARBARA
                  Oh, honey, I'm so glad we're
                  spending our vacation at home.

                                ADAM
                         (hugging her)
                  God, how I have looked forward
                  to this, honey.

        HONK HONK outside.  They look at each other horrified.
        Peer out the window.

                                BARBARA
                  Oh no.

                                ADAM
                         (pointing at her)
                  It's your turn, darling.

        She shakes her head with resignation and goes downstairs.
        KNOCKING on door from below.


        INT. KITCHEN - DAY

        A comfortable, slightly old-fashioned kitchen.  Barbara
        enters with determination.


        HER POV

        A woman -- JANE BUTTERFIELD -- tall, gawky and aggressive
        peeks in the kitchen door.  She's divorced three husbands
        and buried another for good measure.  She's ruthless but
        is weirdly, seamlessly pleasant.  She waves a legal-sized
        paper at them, starts to come inside.


        INT./EXT. KITCHEN DOOR

        Barbara makes dash for it and holds it just as Jane gets
        a foot in.  Jane smiles wildly.

                                JANE
                  Hi, Barb!  I'm glad I caught you.
                  I heard you were on vacation!

                                BARBARA
                  That's right, Jane.  Complete
                  vacation.

                                JANE
                  Honey -- today I am three hundred
                  fifty thousand dollars!

                                BARBARA
                  No!  Jane, it is 6:45 in the
                  morning!

                                JANE
                  Look at me, think of me as cash!
                  This offer is really real!  From
                  a rich man in New York City who
                  only saw a photograph!

                                BARBARA
                  Jane, don't send photographs of
                  our house around the country!
                  We're not interested in selling.

                                JANE
                  You could double the size of
                  your hardware store!  You'll be
                  rich.

                                BARBARA
                  And live in what, our station
                  wagon?

                                JANE
                         (frustrated)
                  Barbara Maitland, sweetie, you
                  just listen now.  This house is
                  too big.  It really ought to be
                  for a couple with a family.

        That hurts Barbara a little.  She looks at Jane.

                                JANE
                  Oh, honey... I didn't mean anything
                  ... it's just too big for you two.
                  I know these things.

                                BARBARA
                         (shutting door)
                  'Bye, Jane, I'll see you in church
                  in a couple weeks.

        Jane compulsively affixes her business card, face inside.
        in the windowpane.  Barbara pulls the shade down.  Shakes
        her head and walks to the roll of wallpaper.

                                BARBARA
                         (to herself)
                  Some people...


        INT. MAITLAND HOUSE - DAY

        CAMERA FOLLOWS Adam DOWN stairs -- PAST photos of himself
        and Barbara, old photos of the early days of Winter River.
        Pictures and momentoes of a satisfied life in hardware.

        We see the master bedroom, sewing room, guest rooms,
        bathrooms, the rambling, old-fashioned quality to the
        house.  Clean, sentimental, warm and floral.  Some rooms
        in progress.

        Adam is humming happily looking for paintbrushes in the
        ground-floor storeroom.  He spies a CASSETTE DECK and
        looks through a stack of cassettes and plays one.  It is
        an old INKSPOTS LOVE SONG.


        INT. GUEST ROOM - DAY

        Barbara is starting to paper the walls already.  She
        frowns at the MUSIC.  Goes to the door.

                                BARBARA
                  Oh, honey.  You said no Ink Spots
                  on this vacation!

        It CLICKS OFF.  She goes back into the room.


        INT. STOREROOM - DAY

        Adam puts away the tape but keeps on humming the song.
        He needs more light.

        He opens the shutters on a small window.  He jumps back,
        frightened by Jane's huge face grinning at him from
        outside.

                                JANE
                  Maybe I am three-eighty-five if
                  you carry a second lien!
                         (desperate)
                  I can arrange the most creative
                  financing in the six states of
                  New England.

                                ADAM
                  No, Jane.

                                JANE
                  You'll be rich!

                                ADAM
                         (still trying
                          to be polite)
                  We're rich in what really matters.

                                JANE
                  Adam my booyy!  When you're really
                  rich in what matters...
                         (shaking the
                          contract)
                  ... nothing matters!  My buyer
                  has just made a killing in condos
                  in the Village.  And he's got a
                  little stress problem...
                         (taps her head)
                  ... so his wife says they want
                  the old peace and quiet!

                                ADAM
                  So do I, Jane.  I'm on vacation.

                                JANE
                  Does that mean you'd consider it
                  in two weeks?  You don't have to
                  answer now.  He wants me to check
                  the deed restriction anyway.  You
                  take your vacation, Adam.  Say
                  'bye!

        He shakes his head.  She puts business card in the window.

                                JANE
                  Come see me.  You know where to
                  find me.

        Jane exits jauntily, flapping her contract down the lawn.

        Squirrels scatter.  A bird dives at her.  She swings the
        contract at it angrily.

                                JANE
                  Get away you little monster.

                                ADAM
                         (after her)
                  I will never sell this house.
                  I'll be buried in my yard next
                  to Barbara.  Holding hands!
                         (looking for
                          brush)
                  And a good paintbrush!

        He rummages for a brush.  Can't find it.

                                ADAM
                         (calling to distant
                          Barbara)
                  Honey, come with me down to the
                  store?  I need a good brush for
                  this Tung oil and I want to pick
                  up a piece of the model.  Let's
                  go early before anyone sees us.


        INT. MAITLAND HOUSE - DAY

        Barbara has already papered a few rolls in the guest
        room.

                                BARBARA
                  Okay, but let's hurry back.  You
                  just run in okay?


        EXT. HOUSE - DAY

        The Victorian house from the model "in the flesh."  Adam
        stands by the station wagon.

        On the bumper of the car is a sticker reading:  WARNING:
        I BRAKE FOR ANIMALS.

        Barbara gets in driver's side.  They drive off.


        INT. CAR - DAY

        Adam dusts the inside of the dashboard.  Clean.  Clean.

                                ADAM
                  You know... September is the best
                  month of the year.  Leaves turning,
                  kids are back in school...

        Barbara looks a little wistful about her lack of children.

                                BARBARA
                  Jane said we should sell the
                  house to someone with a family.

                                ADAM
                  Ah, the ever-tactful Jane.
                         (putting his hand
                          on her shoulder)
                  Let's just relax about having
                  children.


        EXT. RIVER AND BRIDGE AND HILL - DAY

        We see the car coming down the hill toward the bridge.

                                ADAM (V.O.)
                  We should be flattered that she
                  wants to sell our house.

                                BARBARA (V.O.)
                  I know... I just wish she'd leave
                  us alone.

                                ADAM (V.O.)
                  Let's not think about it.  We'll
                  have a nice romantic, quiet,
                  vacation.  Here comes the bridge
                  chorus.

        Car reaches the rickety bridge.  CAR SHAKES, bobbing up
        and down on every plank.


        TIGHT ON BARBARA AND ADAM

        (They've done this routine before).  They sing an old
        Johnny Mathis song.  With a lot of vibrato.

                                TOGETHER
                  Chances are... When I wear a
                  foolish grin...

        They laugh.


        EXT. DOWNTOWN WINTER RIVER - DAY

        Just like the model, but real.  And populated.

        CAMERA PAUSES ON a gorgeous storefront with a brass lion
        out front.  Sign above doors says:

                           BOZMAN BUILDING 1835

        An old man polishes the lion as Maitlands drive by and
        wave.

                                BARBARA (V.O.)
                  Wave at the lion.

                                ADAM (V.O.)
                  Don't forget the balls, Ernie.

                                BARBARA (V.O.)
                         (embarrassed)
                  Adam!

        Ernie looks around to see no one's looking and polishes
        the balls of the lion.

        CAMERA spies a jaunty dog, like Benji, peeing on the
        opposite corner of the lion.  Maitlands drive by store
        with sign:

                             JANE BUTTERFIELD
                                 ANTIQUES
                                REAL ESTATE
                                  TRAVEL


        INT. ANTIQUE STORE-REAL ESTATE OFFICE-TRAVEL AGENCY -
        DAY

        The store is bursting with antiques of all sorts, travel
        brochures, photographs of houses for sale, and a serve-
        yourself Xerox machine.  LITTLE JANE, her 8-year-old
        daughter is drudgingly making copies.

        Jane, phone in hand, rushes to the window to watch
        Maitlands drive by.  Almost popping the cord when it
        reaches its end.  She's waiting for the other party to
        pick up.

                                JANE
                         (after Maitlands)
                  How can you be Republicans and
                  not understand real estate?
                         (changing attitude;
                          all sweet)
                  Y... ello.  Mrs. Deetz?
                  Well the condition is what we
                  country folk call, fixin'... Yes,
                  I think they are fixin' to accept
                  another offer.  Don't scream at
                  me, Mrs. Deetz.  Well maybe if
                  you offer 390,000 they'll take
                  it.


        EXT. MAITLAND HARDWARE - DAY

        Adam sprints up the steps of his lovely hardware store.
        OLD BILL, a slightly-addled ancient barber, is napping
        in a chair in front of his shop, next door to Adam's.
        Adam fumbles with the lock, not interested in conversa-
        tion.  He drops his keys, waking Old Bill.

                                OLD BILL
                  'Morning, Adam.  You need a
                  haircut before your vacation?

                                ADAM
                  No thanks, Bill.

                                OLD BILL
                  How's the model coming?

                                ADAM
                  Good, Bill -- Good.

        Bill turns around and continues prattling even though
        Adam has entered.  Bill prattles throughout.

                                OLD BILL
                  Y'know, I was thinkin'... you
                  said Bozman built the foundation
                  in 1835 but y'know his grandson
                  come in here last week and said
                  he found a bottle with an 1836
                  stamp in it plastered in the
                  foundation.
                         (suddenly dis-
                          gusted at the
                          memory)
                  He's got hair down to his
                  goddamned shoulders...


        INT. MAITLAND HARDWARE

        Adam pulls down a few good paintbrushes and carefully
        picks up a small model of the Bozman building.  He
        walks out.  Old Bill continues unabated.

                                OLD BILL
                  He said 'Just give me a trim...'
                  I took a scissors to him so fast
                  ... would've skimmed him clean if
                  he hadn't...

        Adam strides by quickly to the car.

                                ADAM
                  See you, Bill.

                                OLD BILL
                  Right.


        INT. JANE'S OFFICE - DAY

                                JANE
                         (on phone)
                  Well, Mrs. Deetz, I am doing my
                  best.  What?  Oh the Maitlands
                  are fine country people.  What
                  make car do they drive?

        She runs to the window again almost popping cord.


        EXT. MAITLAND'S CAR - DAY

        The Maitlands drive their 1984 Volvo station wagon
        toward their house.

                                JANE (V.O.)
                  They drive an old beat-up red
                  Chevrolet pickup.


        ON JANE

                                JANE
                  Yes, that's right, they don't
                  know the value of their land.
                  Not if they take this offer of
                  yours they don't.  I'll be in
                  touch.
                         (fingering her
                          business card)
                  Come see me, you know where I...
                         (cut short by Mrs.
                          Deetz's hang-up)
                  ... am.


        EXT. CAR AND BRIDGE - DAY

        Car approaches.


        INT. CAR - DAY

        Five brushes sit on the seat next to Adam.  He cradles
        small replica of the Bozman building, complete with
        brass lion.

                                BARBARA
                  Adam, your Bozman Building is a
                  beauty.

                                ADAM
                  Yeah it turned out okay.  We
                  applied for a National Historical
                  plaque for it.  That'll be the
                  third one on Main Street.

                                BARBARA
                  You're doing it, Adam.  You're
                  saving this town.

                                ADAM
                         (grinning proudly)
                  Slow down there, honey... I don't
                  want the vibration to weaken the
                  model.

                                BARBARA
                         (nervous)
                  Oh... I'm sorry...

        Barbara starts to apply the brakes.

        Just before the bridge the dog waddles out in the road.
        Stops to pee.  Barbara swerves.  As the car hits the
        rickety bridge, the speed is just a bit too much.
        BOARDS RATTLE and loosen, the car skews and catches
        in an open slot, careens to the right, then the left
        and SMASHES through the side RAILS.  It hovers on the
        edge of the bridge.


        INT. CAR - DAY

        A piling has smashed through the window on the passenger
        side, crushing the upper part of Barbara's arm.  She is
        wailing in pain and fright.

        Adam attempts to maneuver the car onto the bridge again.
        Adam tries to help Barbara.  He tries to get out of the
        car.  None of this succeeds.


        EXT. BRIDGE AND RIVER - DAY

        The dog finishes, looks over at the car, walks across
        the bridge and steps on the one board which holds the
        car aloft.

        The car rocks back and forth for a moment, and then
        slides forward toward the water.


        EXT. CAR AND BRIDGE

        The car plunges into the rushing water.  It floats
        for a moment, and then sinks like a stone.


        UNDERWATER - DAY

        The car floats downward with panic-stricken Adam and
        Barbara inside.  For a moment, we hear their SCREAMS, then
        as the car fills up with water, the screams are cut off.

                                                   FADE TO BLACK.


        FADE IN:

        INT. BARBARA AND ADAM'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

        Quiet, still, expectant.  There is a fire laid in the
        hearth.  Suddenly and for no apparent reason it ignites
        and burns with a furious cheerfulness.

        Barbara and Adam enter, dazed, wet, and bedraggled.

                                BARBARA
                  Something like this always
                  happens when we try to go on
                  vacation.  Always.

        Adam leads her toward the fire.

                                ADAM
                  You'll feel better when you're
                  dry.

        He holds out his hands to be warmed.  Barbara comes up
        beside him.  All this time she's been holding her injured
        arm with the other hand.

                                BARBARA
                  This fire wasn't burning when
                  we left the house.

                                ADAM
                  How's your arm?

                                BARBARA
                  I'm not sure.  It feels... frozen.

        She holds her arms out to warm them.  One hand catches on
        fire.


        BARBARA'S LEFT ARM

        They stare at it dumbfoundedly before Adam regains his
        senses and snatches it out of the fire.  Two of the
        fingers are burning like candles, and Barbara industriously
        blows them out.

                                BARBARA
                  Oh, Adam.

                                                   CUT TO:


        INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY (FEW MINUTES LATER)

        They are sitting on the couch together.  Barbara is looking
        away slightly -- as one does when a doctor is drawing
        blood -- while Adam looks at her fingers.  He frowns.

        He looks at his skin.  It is pale.  He looks at Barbara.

                                ADAM
                  You'd better sit down, hon.

                                BARBARA
                  I am sitting.

                                ADAM
                  I'll tell you what, Barbara.  I
                  don't think we survived that crash.

                                BARBARA
                         (pause)
                  Oh, Adam.  We're home.  In our own
                  house.  Nonsense.  I'll make some
                  coffee.  You get some more
                  firewood.

        Adam gets up, a little absently, she follows him as he
        wanders to the front door.  He peers out.

                                ADAM
                  Let's take things extra slow.  Do
                  you remember how we got back up
                  here?

        Barbara tests her hand, clenches and unclenches her fist.

                                BARBARA
                  I'm fine.  My arm works fine.

        Adam, exploring, opens the door, steps out on the front
        porch.


        EXT. FRONT PORCH - TWILIGHT

        Adam's face is painted with color of sunset.  He stands
        atop the steps leading down to the front yard.  Barbara
        stands just inside the open threshold, looking out
        worriedly.

                                BARBARA
                         (quiet sarcasm)
                  The end of a perfect day.

        Adam starts to step down to the yard.

                                ADAM
                  Honey, I'm gonna go down to the
                  bridge and retrace our steps.

        He steps off the last step into the yard and promptly
        disappears.

                                BARBARA
                  Adam!


        EXT. GREAT VOID

        Adam is nowhere.  There's no ground, no sky, nothing to
        stand on or hold onto or give boundaries or distance.
        Just vast nothing.  Not white and not colored either.
        Noise of a CLOCK TICKING.

        Adam looks about, surprised, doesn't like what he doesn't
        see.  He turns around to head back up the steps.  There
        are no steps.

                                ADAM
                  Barbara?

        His VOICE ECHOES STRANGELY.  He runs off a little in the
        distance, and calls again from over there.

                                ADAM
                         (quietly)
                  Where are you?

        He goes even farther away.


        FOREGROUND - ENORMOUS GEARED WHEEL

        -- The size of a man -- rolls by, tearing up the unseamed
        ground.  Something pours up out of the tear -- ooze or
        stuffing.

        Adam runs forward and stares after the wheel, which is
        now out of sight.


        TWO SMALLER GEARS

        looking very much like components of a giant watch --
        spin along behind him.  One of them veers suddenly
        toward him, and though Adam jumps out of the way, the
        gear snags his trouser leg and shreds it.  LOUD TICKING.
        A perfectly enormous gear comes barreling toward him.
        Adam leaps out of its way.  The gear turns, fish-tailing,
        kicking up ooze and stuffing.

        Adam flings himself suddenly to the right, but trips into
        the path of the gear.  As he's about to be crushed, he's
        suddenly jerked up to safety.


        EXT. FRONT PORCH - NIGHT

        It's Barbara who's grabbed him, and quite evidently saved
        his -- not life, perhaps -- but existence.  He's shaken,
        breathless.

        Barbara stares at him, as if wondering what he's just
        been through.

                                ADAM
                         (weakly)
                  You saved my -- uh -- life... or
                  whatever... something.

                                BARBARA
                  Two hours.

                                ADAM
                  What?

                                BARBARA
                  That's how long you were gone.

                                ADAM
                         (pondering that)
                  ... Hmmm?


        INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

        Barbara leads Adam into the house.

                                ADAM
                  Anything happen while I was away?

                                BARBARA
                  Yes it did.  Yes it did.  I made a
                  couple of small discoveries.
                  Here's one.

        She stands by the mirror over the hearth mantle.  On the
        mantle is Barbara's prize collection of porcelain horses.
        Adam comes to stand beside her.  They look into the
        mirror, and there is no reflection of them.

        Barbara picks up one of the horses, and trots it through
        the air.  The horse is imaged in the mirror.

                                BARBARA
                  There's that, and there's this.

        She picks up an ancient, leather-bound book.  It's yellow
        and worn, about the size of the Boy Scout manual.


        CLOSEUP - BOOK

        Its title is:  Handbook For The Recently Deceased.


        BACK TO SCENE

                                ADAM
                         (reading)
                  Handbook for the recently diseased.

                                BARBARA
                  Deceased.  I don't know where it
                  came from.

                                ADAM
                  Look at the publisher.
                         (as he does)
                  Handbook for the Recently Deceased
                  Press.

        They look at each other as it sinks in to Barbara.

                                BARBARA
                         (finally admitting it)
                  I don't think we survived the crash.

                                ADAM
                  This is going to take some time.


        INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

        Adam is already in bed, reading from the handbook.

        Barbara is getting ready for bed -- going through a
        ritual of sorts that they practiced every night of their
        married lives.

                                BARBARA
                  I don't like situations like this.
                  I hate it when I'm not in control.
                  So just tell me the basics.

                                ADAM
                  This book isn't arranged that way.
                  What do you want to know?

                                BARBARA
                  There are a thousand things... Why
                  did you disappear when you walked
                  off the front porch?  Is this a
                  punishment?  Are we halfway to
                  heaven or are we halfway to hell?
                  And how long is this going to
                  last?

                                ADAM
                  I don't see anything about 'Rewards
                  and Punishments' or 'Heaven and
                  Hell.'
                         (frustrated)
                  This book reads like stereo
                  instructions!  Listen to this...
                  'Geographical and Temporal
                  Perimeters... Functional perimeters
                  vary from manifestation to
                  manifestation.'  This is going to
                  take some time.

        Barbara paces, she trips on her wallpaper rolls.  Kicks
        them.

                                BARBARA
                  I knew I'd never finish the guest
                  room.  Adam, we just can't stay in
                  here forever!

        They look at each other, the question hangs in the air.
        Can't they?

        Adam stands and walks to the window.

                                ADAM
                         (thoughtfully)
                  Maybe we should set up a normal
                  routine.

        She looks at him like he's nuts.

                                ADAM
                  I mean, let's try to nail down
                  something in our lives.  A regular
                  schedule.  We can keep track of
                  time and go on with our projects
                  up here in the attic.

        She shakes her head, exasperated.  Flops down on the bed.

                                BARBARA
                  Oh, God, maybe this is all just a
                  bad dream.


        TIGHT ON ADAM

        A somber look comes across his face.

                                ADAM
                  I'm afraid not, honey.

        Barbara looks up at him, questioningly.

                                BARBARA
                  Why?  What's wrong?  Adam?

        She stands and joins him at the window.


        THEIR POV THROUGH WINDOW

        In the distance we see an automobile funeral procession
        threading its way toward the nearby cemetery.  Headlights
        are on.  We recognize Jane's car in the line.


        REVERSE ON BARBARA AND ADAM

        Sober faces.


        TIGHTER ON PROCESSION

        It arrives at the gravesite.  We see some familiar faces,
        Ernie, and Old Bill the Barber.  Jane and Little Jane
        watch as two identical coffins are carried together, to
        two open graves.


        ON BARBARA AND ADAM

        She drops her head sadly on his shoulder.  He leans his
        face slightly into hers.

                                                   FADE OUT.


        FADE IN:

        INT. ATTIC - DAY

        Adam is setting up a small monument in the model town
        cemetery.  It reads:  ADAM AND BARBARA MAITLAND / UNITED
        IN LIFE / UNDIVIDED IN DEATH.

                                ADAM
                  I wish I could see the cemetery
                  from up here, I don't know which
                  area is the best placement for us.

        Barbara, trying to clean, lets out a frustrated yelp!
        She paces.

                                ADAM
                  Cabin fever, hon?

                                BARBARA
                  I can't clean anything.  The vacuum
                  is out in the garage.  I can't
                  leave the house.  Why don't they
                  tell us something?  Where are all
                  the other dead people in the
                  world?  Why is it just you and me?

                                ADAM
                  Maybe this is heaven.

                                BARBARA
                         (looking at the dusty
                          walls)
                  In heaven there wouldn't be dust
                  on the wallpaper.

                                ADAM
                  Hon... I didn't want to die, but
                  really, this is fine with me.  As
                  long as I never have to wash
                  dishes again.

                                BARBARA
                  Dishes?  We haven't eaten in three
                  weeks!  Adam, I'm not like you, I
                  really need to be around people,
                  get out to the church and go
                  grocery shopping.

                                ADAM
                  But I'm not hungry, are you?

        Barbara shakes her head and picks up the handbook, and
        pages through it desperately.

                                BARBARA
                  I keep having this feeling that
                  something has got to happen.

        CAR DOOR SLAMS outside.  Adam and Barbara look at one
        another.  Run to window.


        EXT. MAITLAND HOUSE - DAY

        Jane Butterfield is staring up at the old house.


        INT. ATTIC - DAY

        Adam, from his angle, can just barely see her.

                                ADAM
                  God, it's Jane Butterfield!

                                BARBARA
                  What's she doing here?

                                ADAM
                  I don't know.
                         (shouting)
                  Jane, Jane, up here!


        EXT. MAITLAND HOUSE - DAY

        Unhearing, Jane heads for car.  Sound of WIND UP.  Blows
        her dress.  Little Jane straggles along with her like an
        apprentice.


        INT. ATTIC - DAY

        Barbara watches Adam, and shakes her head.  He stops.

                                BARBARA
                  She can't see you, right?
                         (as Adam nods)
                  In the book, Rule Number Two:
                  the living usually won't see the
                  dead.

                                ADAM
                  Won't?  Or can't?

                                BARBARA
                  Just says 'won't.'  Wait a minute.
                  Here it says 'the living are
                  arrogant... they think they'll
                  never die, so they refuse to see
                  the dead.'

                                ADAM
                  Arrogant.  That's Jane Butterfield
                  all right...

                                BARBARA
                         (sighs and nods)
                  At least we won't have to worry
                  about her.

        Adam pats her on the head, smiles and goes to his model.

                                ADAM
                  Keep studying the book.  Breathe
                  deeply, relax.  It doesn't seem
                  to me we have to worry about much
                  of anything, hon.

        She smiles, finally a little contented.  Returns to the
        book.

                                BARBARA
                  I guess... if I'm going to be
                  dead, I'll just have to be the
                  best dead person ever!

                                ADAM
                  That's my girl!


        EXT. MAITLAND HOUSE - DAY

        Jane drives away.  CAMERA HINGES to see a For Sale sign.
        Across it -- another smaller banner.  It reads:

                                   SOLD!

                                                   CUT TO:


        INT. MASTER BEDROOM - MORNING

        The Maitlands are asleep.  CAMERA EXPLORES the room a
        bit.  It is getting slightly tatty.  Adam rolls over,
        pulling the covers off Barbara.  We see:


        ON BARBARA

        She is hovering off the side of the bed.

        An OMINOUS RUMBLE --

        -- like a 4.0 earthquake, shakes the house.  GLASS
        RATTLES, the ceramic horses on the mantlepiece jump
        around.  Barbara falls to the floor.  They look at one
        another with horror.  They leap up and run downstairs.


        INT.  LIVING ROOM - DAY

        The RUMBLE BUILDS to a climax, there is a LOUD METALLIC
        SQUEAL, and then a CRASH... just as Barbara and Adam
        arrive.


        MOVING VAN RAMP

        SMASHES open the front DOOR and CRASHES down into the
        foyer.


        TEN-FOOT ELECTRIC-BLUE ITALIAN LEATHER COUCH

        slides smoothly down the ramp.  On the couch sits DELIA
        DEETZ.

        Delia is relentlessly New York, relentlessly fashionable,
        relentlessly thin -- a totally self-assured Joan Rivers.

                                DELIA
                  Get it right, you people!  And I
                  don't pay overtime!

        She is also a woman with a mission -- to gut Barbara and
        Adam's house and remake it in her own very upscale image.

        Delia's gaze is on the living room, but she looks through
        Adam and Barbara as if they weren't even there (which to
        her eyes they're not).

        The COUCH CRASHES into the base of the staircase, SMASHING
        the NEWELL POST and several of the BALUSTERS.

        Barbara cringes.  One of the balusters falls at Delia's
        side.  She grasps it like a scepter.

        Two MOVING MEN rush down the ramp.

                                MOVING MAN #1
                  Sorry about that, Mrs. Deetz.

                                DELIA
                  Don't worry.  It was going anyway.

        Staggered by Delia's grand entrance, Barbara looks toward
        Adam, but he has disappeared.

        Flustered, Barbara glances around the room, shakes herself
        experimentally, then with a look of surprise on her
        face that it works -- disappears herself.

        Still holding the baluster, Delia gets up off the couch
        and moves into the living room, surveying it with an
        odd mixture of ambition, contempt, and resolution.

        Behind her, the two Moving Men bring in a matching blue
        leather armchair.  In the armchair sits LYDIA DEETZ.

        Lydia, age 14, is a pretty girl, but wan, pale and
        overly-dramatic, dressed as she is in her favorite color,
        black leather.  She's a combination of a little death
        rocker and an 80's version of Edward Gorey's little
        girls.

        She has a couple of expensive cameras around her neck
        and is already taking photographs of the Moving Men.
        Lydia is cool, Lydia is sullen, Lydia is her father's
        daughter by his first marriage.  Lydia is usually about
        half-pissed off.  But underneath... we like her a lot.

        The Moving Men still hold up the chair, waiting for Delia
        to decide where she wants it.

                                DELIA
                  Jesus.  Who lived here?  The
                  Waltons?


        TIGHT ON LYDIA

        Calmly surveys the house.

                                LYDIA
                  You hate it?  I love it.

        Delia signals wearily that the Moving Men can put the
        chair down anywhere.

                                DELIA
                  Get all this other crap out of
                  here.

        Lydia hops down out of the chair, and comes farther into
        the living room.

                                DELIA
                  Where is your father?... Probably
                  in the kitchen.

        That's the cue for CHARLES DEETZ, who comes in through
        the swinging door, and across the dining room.

        He's holding a butcher knife in one hand, and a massive
        meat cleaver in the other.

        Charles is not exactly the equivalent of his wife, being
        at heart a basically pleasant man.  But pleasant isn't
        "in" this year, so Charles does his best to be offhanded
        and brittle.

                                CHARLES
                  The noise in that kitchen.  Noisy
                  refrigerator, noisy faucets...
                  We'll have to replace it all.  I
                  want no humming in the house.

        Lydia exploring on her own, gazes around the living room
        with growing pleasure, she backs up for a good angle to
        photograph.

        CAMERA HINGES -- She is standing with her back right up
        to Barbara -- who is horrified at this creature.

                                LYDIA
                         (to herself)
                  A real house.

        Barbara looks closely at Lydia's hair and thinks
        "Yecchh!"  Charles enters.

                                CHARLES
                  What do you think, honey?

                                LYDIA
                  Delia hates it.

        Lydia gazes at a dusty maze of spider webs.

                                LYDIA
                  I could live here.

        A movement makes Lydia turn around and scream.  It is
        Delia.  Not Barbara.

                                DELIA
                  Settle down, Lydia.  I wonder
                  where we are going to get
                  counseling for you out here.

        A VIOLENT FALSETTO SCREAM turns the Deetz family's
        attention to the front windows.

                                OTHO (O.S.)
                  Help!  Oh help!

        Wedged in the window frame is a massive body.

        The short, stubby legs, dressed in the world's largest
        pair of Georgia Armani slacks, protrude into the living
        room, waving frantically.  Expensive Italian loafers
        are kicked off the feet revealing a pair of expensive
        patterned socks.  By their feet shall ye know them.

                                DELIA
                  It's Otho!

                                CHARLES
                  Otho, why didn't you just come in
                  the door?

        Otho's voice comes as if from a great distance.

                                OTHO (O.S.)
                  It's bad luck.  And I believe
                  hugely in luck.

                                LYDIA
                  Hold your breath and we'll pull.

        The entire Deetz family at last pulls Otho into the
        living room.

        All this while the Moving Men are variously carting
        out the handsome old furniture and bringing in the
        hideous new furniture.

        Otho is Robert Morley at his most obscenely fat and
        faggoty.  But he's not all fat and fun -- this customer
        carries nasty emotional weight as well.

        As Otho is pulled through the window he is holding onto
        the curtains for support.  And when he is at last all
        the way through, and upright on his feet, he suddenly
        gives a tremendous yank.  The whole drapery apparatus,
        including valences, crashes to the floor.

                                OTHO
                  That was the single most
                  unattractive window treatment I
                  have ever seen in the entire of
                  my existence.

                                DELIA
                         (starry eyed)
                  I'm so glad you could leave the
                  city to consult me, Otho.

        Otho is looking around the room with an eye of quiet
        horror.

                                OTHO
                  Yes, of course you are.  Well,
                  Otho had an intuition.  Call it a
                  hunch -- that it was going to be a
                  fabled monstrosity of a house.  And
                  it certainly is.  Charles, you're
                  lucky the Yuppies are buying
                  condos, so you can afford what I'm
                  going to have to do to this place.
                  We are talking from the ground
                  ups'ville!

                                CHARLES
                  That's fine, Otho.  Just keep me
                  out of it.  I am here to relax
                  and clip coupons.  And goddamnit,
                  I mean to do it.

        During this speech, Otho has been surreptitiously posing
        for Lydia's camera.  She clicks the shutter.

                                OTHO
                         (ignoring her)
                  Is the rest of the house as bad as
                  this?

                                DELIA
                  The rest of the house is probably
                  worse.  When can you and I get
                  started?

                                OTHO
                  No time like the present, as my
                  wicked stepmother used to say.

        Unexpectedly, Otho sweeps Barbara's entire collection of
        CERAMIC and PORCELAIN HORSES from the mantlepiece.  They
        all CRASH to the hearth, except for one, which Lydia
        manages to catch.

                                LYDIA
                  Otho, that's terrible.

                                OTHO
                  My sentiments exactly.  Porcelain
                  is for teeth!

        He takes the sale remaining porcelain horse out of Lydia's
        hand and flings it into the fireplace.  Lydia is sad.

        Then, out of the pockets of his size 56 Georgia Armani
        jacket, Otho takes two cans of spray paint -- the kind
        the graffiti artists use -- and shakes them as if they
        were castanets.  They certainly sound like it.

                                OTHO
                  Delia, let's get this show on
                  the road.


        INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY

        At one end, near the stairs leading up to the attic,
        Barbara and Adam are slumped against opposite walls.

                                BARBARA
                  Adam, we are in hell.  I hate these
                  people.

                                ADAM
                  They make gypsies look good.

                                BARBARA
                  Is this a punishment for something
                  we did in life?  What can we do?

                                ADAM
                  I don't know if there's anything
                  we can do.

                                BARBARA
                         (determined)
                  We're not completely helpless.
                  I've been reading the book.
                  There's a word for people in our
                  predicament, honey.

        Adam looks at her.

                                BARBARA
                  Ghosts!

        Adam is shocked at the reality.

        Otho and Delia come up the stairs at the end of the
        hallway.

                                OTHO
                  We're dealing with negative
                  entertainment potential here.
                  I mean, there's absolutely no
                  organic walking flow-through.

        Otho looks down the hallway.  It's empty.  Adam and
        Barbara are no longer there.

                                DELIA
                  What's wrong?

                                OTHO
                  I thought I saw something.

        DeLia turns and spray-paints on the wall -- in luminous
        orange -- the word MAUVE.

                                DELIA
                  Okay?

                                OTHO
                         (screaming with delight)
                  You read my mind!  I love clients
                  who can read my mind.  I don't
                  think people realize how strong
                  a connection there is between
                  interior decoration and the
                  supernatural.

                                DELIA
                         (fawning)
                  I know... I read your book, The
                  Haunted Tapestries of the Waldorf.

                                OTHO
                  Gooood!

        Delia opens the door and they step inside another room.

                                DELIA
                  This will be Lydia's room.


        INT. LYDIA'S ROOM - DAY

        It's not Lydia's room yet, of course, because it still
        has the Maitlands' furniture in it.  Barbara had partly
        wallpapered it before the accident.  Her tools are still
        there.

                                DELIA
                  What do you think?

                                OTHO
                  Viridian?

                                DELIA
                  Viridian?  What is...?

        Otho spray-paints the word "viridian" on the wall -- plus
        the word "blue green" -- and "Cr2 03," right over a
        picture of Adam and Barbara as kids.

                                OTHO
                  Blue-green!  Hydrated chromic
                  oxide!  Remember I'm schooled in
                  chemistry.  I was a hair analyst!
                  Briefly.  Interior design is a
                  science, Delia!  Think of me as
                  Doctor Otho.
                         (looking at wall)
                  And this patient is truly sick!

                                DELIA
                  Of course, her favorite color!
                  How beautiful!

        Otho stares straight into her eyes.

                                OTHO
                  'I' will tell you what is
                  beautiful.

        Delia smiles.  Behind Delia and Otho, the room's CLOSET
        DOOR swings slowly open with and OMINOUS CREAK.

        Delia and Otho turn that way, with a suggestion of dread.
        Inside the closet, Barbara's corpse is suspended from
        the ceiling by a belt.  The CORPSE twists with a CREAK,
        and Barbara grins ghostly and slowly tears off her face,
        leaving nothing but muscle and bone beneath.  Her eye-
        balls dangle on her cheeks.

        Delia and Otho stare aghast.

                                DELIA
                  Oh my God!

                                OTHO
                  I know!  We just have to pray
                  that the other closets are
                  bigger than this one.

        He walks over.  Looks inside.

                                OTHO
                  Were these people dwarfes? (sic)
                         (spies something)
                  Oooo!...  Look!

        He finds, neatly hung in plastic, the Maitlands'
        wedding outfits.  Totally captivated by this powerful
        image, he peers through the plastic at them.  Holding
        each up to Delia.  Barbara watches wide-eyed at them.

                                OTHO
                  Ozzie...
                         (holding up
                          her dress)
                  ... and... Harriet!  What happened
                  to these people?

        Delia SLAMS the DOOR in Barbara's contorted face.

                                DELIA
                  They died.


        INT. HALLWAY - SAME TIME

        Delia and Otho come out of Lydia's bedroom.  Look around.
        Delia opens a door on the opposite side of the hallway
        -- Adam and Barbara's old room.  They enter.


        INT. BARBARA AND ADAM'S OLD ROOM - DAY

        The room looks like Barbara and Adam left it just a few
        hours ago.  Delia and Otho poke around.

                                OTHO
                  Yes, but how did they die?

        Delia has gone over to the bathroom door, and pushed it
        wide open.  But before she goes in, she stops a moment
        to think.

                                DELIA
                  I think... they drowned.

        Behind Delia, in the bathroom, the old-fashioned bathtub
        suddenly overflows with vile water.  Adam's face-up
        bloated corpse bobs to the surface.  His dead, drowned
        stare is ghastly.

                                OTHO
                  Argh!  Look at this water.
                  Mosquito central.  This will
                  be overtime, Delia.

        He rolls his sleeve and reaches down into the water, past
        Adam, who looks at him puzzled.  Otho pulls the plug on
        the drain.  Water swirls out.

        Delia stares downward directly at the corpse, then she
        points at the floor.

                                DELIA
                  Otho, I cannot live with these
                  cheap domestic floor tiles.

                                OTHO
                  Be brave!  Otho take care!  Onward!

        The bathroom is now empty.  No water, no drowned corpse.
        Otho sneezes.  Shivers a bit.


        INT. HALLWAY - SAME TIME

        Otho and Delia come out of the master bedroom suite.

                                OTHO
                  Is there much more of this
                  torture?

                                DELIA
                  That's Charles' study.  But you
                  don't have to even look in there.
                  He'll love whatever you do to
                  it.  He's such a sheep.

                                OTHO
                  Oh, as long as we're here...

        Otho reaches out and turns the knob.  The door swings
        ominously open on:


        CHARLES'S STUDY

        This had been Adam's reading and birdwatching study.
        Bird posters on the wall, books everywhere.  Straight
        out of Better Homes and Gardens 1963.

        There is one slight difference however because on the
        rag rug in the middle of the floor lies Adam's headless
        corpse.  Standing over him, holding in one hand a long
        knife and in the other Adam's blood-and-gore dripping
        head is Barbara -- with a maniacal look on her face.
        Shrieking silently.

                                OTHO
                  Ooo.  Deliver me from L.L. Bean!

        Inside the room, the eyes of Adam's severed head open
        and look up at Barbara -- she stops screaming.

                                ADAM'S HEAD
                  They don't see us.  They can't
                  hear us.

        Outside, Delia is shaking her head.

                                DELIA
                  The woman who lived here had the
                  aesthetic instincts of Betty
                  Crocker.

                                BARBARA
                  I'm going to get her.

                                DELIA
                  I cannot convey to you the extent
                  to which this house bores me.

                                OTHO
                  'I' will tell you what is boring.
                         (looking around
                          scientifically)
                  Once you cover up the wallpaper,
                  knock down a few walls, alter the
                  traffic patterns, and -- perhaps
                  -- only perhaps -- think about an
                  inground pool -- the place might
                  just be livable.  What's on the
                  third floor?

                                DELIA
                  Attic space.

                                OTHO
                  Let's see.  We could turn that
                  into a media room.

        They head up the stars to the attic.


        INT. LYDIA'S ROOM - SAME TIME

        Adam's head has a look of terror on it.

                                ADAM'S HEAD
                  Oh, God.  I forgot to lock the
                  attic door!

        Adam's headless body jumps up off the floor and rushes
        out of the room.


        INT. STAIRCASE TO ATTIC - SAME TIME

        Otho and Delia climbing.  The headless corpse careens
        past them, around the bend in the stairs and out of sight.

                                OTHO
                  Did you feel something?

        Delia shakes her head.

                                OTHO
                  I felt a cool wind.

        The expression on Otho's face suggests he knows more than
        he's telling.


        INT. LANDING OUTSIDE ATTIC DOOR - SAME TIME

        The headless corpse rushes through the open door into
        the attic.


        INT. ATTIC - SAME TIME

        The headless corpse SLAMS the DOOR SHUT, turns the key
        in the lock.  Then he slumps against the locked door in
        an exaggerated stance of relief.


        INT. ATTIC LANDING - SAME TIME

        Delia tries the knob.  The door is locked.

                                OTHO
                  You don't have a key?

                                DELIA
                  Maybe Charles does.

                                OTHO
                  I have a feeling there's some very
                  interesting space behind this door.

                                DELIA
                         (sarcastic)
                  Probably the world's largest Reader's
                  Digest collection!  C'mon, let's have
                  some chablis, Otho, I'm laid bare by
                  this experience.  Entirely bare.


        INT. GUEST BEDROOM - SAME TIME

        Barbara still holding Adam's head.

                                ADAM'S HEAD
                  Whew!  That was close.

                                BARBARA
                  I cannot witness this.

        Barbara distractedly puts Adam's head on a bookshelf.
        His headless body fumbles with the books and finally
        reattaches the head.


        INT. GUEST BEDROOM - DAY

        Adam turns away from the window.  Barbara, still with
        her face unattached, is fuming.  She's trying unsuccessfully,
        to rip apart the handbook.

                                BARBARA
                  What's the good of being a ghost
                  if you can't frighten people to
                  death?

        She explodes and flings the handbook at the mirror.

                                ADAM
                  Oh, honey, we may need that.

                                BARBARA
                  No, I'm not putting up with this.

        She storms out of the room.


        INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

        Barbara storms in, as if straight from the room upstairs.
        She heads straight for the back door.  Just as she opens
        the door, Adam rushes up.

                                ADAM
                  Barbara, honey!  Don't go out
                  there.  You don't know --

                                BARBARA
                  Whatever it is it can't be worse
                  than this.

        She flings open the door and steps outside.  She promptly
        disappears.

                                ADAM
                  Barbara!


        EXT. SURFACE OF SATURN'S MOON TITAN - DAY

        Barbara plunges into the dusty surface of Titan with an
        enormous Saturn looming in the sky.  She looks around
        with wonder and some fear.

        A sulfur volcano erupts in the distance.  A METEOR
        CRASHES with a lurid EXPLOSION.  As from a great distance
        she hears Adam's voice.  Like thunder.

                                ADAM
                  Barbara!

        She turns slowly in the yellow dense sand that covers
        the surface of this distant moon.


        BARBARA'S POV

        Adam is trudging towards her.  Behind him, hovering
        isolated in the air, is the kitchen door.


        BACK TO SCENE

        Adam at last catches up with her.  Surveys around them.

                                BARBARA
                  Oh, Adam.  Find somebody.  I'm
                  getting all yellow.  Do something!

        Behind them, something is burrowing rapidly toward them
        through the sand.  The something could be right out of
        Dune.

        Barbara and Adam stare for a moment, then Adam grabs her
        and pulls her toward the kitchen door.  But the kitchen
        door has moved, so they veer in the new direction.
        The something follows them and rises out of the sand.


        ON SOMETHING

        It is a very big, very nasty, and very hungry snapping
        SANDWORM.  It ROARS and lunges at them.

        Barbara, slightly angered at it, instinctively bats at it.

        The sandworm is momentarily stunned at Barbara's
        audacity.  It freezes and shakes its loathesome head.

        Barbara bats at it again.  Adam is wide-eyed, tries to
        pull her away.  The SANDWORM recovers and ROARS after
        them.

        Adam grabs Barbara and tries to escape, but they slip
        and sink in the sand.  They make it to the door just in
        time, swing it open and hurl themselves through.  The
        DOOR SHUTS with a BANG just in front of the ROARING
        SANDWORM.

        The SANDWORM rears and ROARS in frustration, HOWLING
        to the ringed planet.


        INT. KITCHEN

        Barbara weeping, throws herself in Adam's arms.

                                BARBARA
                  Oh, Adam, don't ever leave me
                  alone.

                                ADAM
                  You left me.

                                BARBARA
                  I know.  I'm sorry.

        She hugs him tight.

                                BARBARA
                  I just realized that I could have
                  been killed alone.  Don't ever
                  leave me, honey.

        Both contemplate that horror.

                                BARBARA
                  We're trapped in this house
                  forever... with those... people.

                                ADAM
                  You can't say that for sure.  It
                  could be a transitional thing.
                  Like a post-life crisis.  We just
                  have to be tougher with them.
                  Come on.  Have some brandy.
                  Spirits, get it?

                                BARBARA
                         (a tentative smile)
                  Death didn't improve your sense
                  of humor.

        They head for the dining room.


        INT. DINING ROOM

        Adam has his arms around Barbara's shoulder.  They walk
        in the door and stumble upon the Deetzes at their dinner.
        Lydia's back is to them.  Barbara and Adam back out of
        the room but stop to listen.


        INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

        The Deetzes around the dining room table.  There are
        candles and good china laid out -- but they're eating
        out of Chinese take-out boxes.

                                DELIA
                  I can't believe that we're eating
                  Cantonese.  Is there no Szechuan
                  up here?  Hunan?

                                CHARLES
                  There's only one Chinese restaurant
                  in town, darling, the owners are
                  Irish and Irish people happen to
                  cook Cantonese.  They don't know
                  better.

                                LYDIA
                  I plan to have a stroke from the
                  amount of MSG that's in this food.

                                DELIA
                  This is our first meal in this
                  house, Lydia.  Why don't we all
                  do our little private parts to
                  make it a pleasant one?

                                CHARLES
                  Lydia, relax.  We'll build you a
                  darkroom in the basement.

                                LYDIA
                         (dramatically)
                  My whole life is a darkroom!  One
                  ... big... dark... room.

        Delia rolls her eyes and nods.  She's been through this
        before.

                                DELIA
                  Nonsense... you'll go to school,
                  get a bike, maybe have an ant farm.
                  Maybe meet a farm boy.

        Delia laughs.  Charles smiles.

                                LYDIA
                         (doleful)
                  Yeah, maybe if he's nice, he'll
                  let me hang myself from a rope
                  in his barn.

                                CHARLES
                  Lydia, we're the first trickle!
                  In a couple of years this whole
                  town will be filled with people
                  like us.

                                DELIA
                  We'll be the art center of summer
                  New York.  I'll teach those phony
                  gallery creeps to refuse my
                  sculpture.  And when Otho and I
                  get through with this house, you
                  people are not going to recognize
                  it.

                                LYDIA
                         (dramatically)
                  I say let's keep it the way it is.

        Charles and Delia stare at her simultaneously,
        unbelieving.

                                LYDIA
                  I do.  I really like it.  I mean,
                  it's already sort of like somebody's
                  home, isn't it?  Their couch is
                  comfortable and doesn't stick to
                  your legs.  It smells like a real
                  home, not a French whorehouse.

        There is a pause, as if the family were considering this
        whole business in a new light.  Then the moment and the
        light fade.

                                DELIA
                  Lydia, at your age, you are so
                  young.
                         (back to business)
                  Charles, we need to call that
                  awful Jane Butterfield tomorrow
                  and get the key to the attic
                  door.  Can't you find a way to
                  hold back some of her commission?

                                CHARLES
                  We're going to have a lot to do
                  tomorrow... The Goodwill truck is
                  coming, and whatever is up there
                  in that attic goes away with it.
                  Should have it fumigated too.  I
                  saw a fly today.

        Lydia looks at them with a mixture of sadness and anger.


        OUTSIDE DOOR - ON STAIRS

        Listening, sit Barbara and Adam.  A tear rolls down her
        face.


        INT. ATTIC - DAY

        Adam and Barbara are lying down on the floor, peering
        out of one of the small windows overlooking the front
        yard of the house.  The handbook open in front of them.


        EXT. FRONT YARD - ADAM AND BARBARA'S POV - DAY

        The entire front yard is alive with workmen and their
        vehicles.  Plumbers, electricians, cable TV men, etc.
        Goodwill truck arrives.  MOS Charles directs the Goodwill
        men to a pile of the Maitlands' furniture.  They grab one
        of Barbara's prized antique tables and fling it up into
        the truck.

        In the road in front of the house are several cars of
        rubbernecking locals, astonished by all the activity.
        The city has come to town.


        INT. ATTIC - DAY

        Adam and Barbara just look at one another as if to say
        "we're next!"  Adam leafs through the handbook furiously.

                                BARBARA
                  Look in the index... maybe
                  there's, like an emergency number
                  or something.

                                ADAM
                  Not really...  what's this?

        Adam pulls from the book an ancient, yellowed, crumbling
        handbill.  He carefully opens it.


        ON HANDBILL

        Very primitive, crude, red printing.

                                ADAM (V.O.)
                         (reading)
                  Trouble with the living?  House
                  full of pesky, arrogant live people?
                  If you got the dough... I make 'em
                  go!  Betelgeuse the Bio Buster.
                  Betelegeuse... Betelgeuse... Betel...

        The remainder of the sheet is torn off.


        ON BARBARA

        fingering the torn edge.  Looking in the book for the
        remainder.  No luck.

                                BARBARA
                  That's it?  No number, or
                  instructions?

                                ADAM
                  Nothing.  The bio buster?  I don't
                  get it...

        A THUNDERING CRASH shakes the house.  They both scurry
        to the window to see what has happened below.


        EXT. FRONT AND SIDE YARDS - DAY

        CAMERA FOLLOWS ACTION -- small vignettes.

        Charles flails his arms at a dimwitted crane operator
        who is unsuccessfully trying to get a 2500 pound Vulcan
        range through a formerly too small kitchen window.  Now
        a gaping hole in the wall.

        Moving men watch and then continue to move in the Deetz's
        modern, expensive, and ugly furniture.  They collide with
        Goodwill men coming out with the Maitlands' lovely
        antiques and personal possessions.

        Delia shreiks periodically at some fine art movers who
        are struggling under her horrid modern welded steel
        sculptures.

        Lydia snaps photos of the mayhem.  She stops to scan the
        whole house.


        LYDIA'S POV

        When her gaze reaches to top of the house, she suddenly
        glimpses Barbara and Adam's faces in the window.


        BACK TO SCENE

        Lydia blinks hard.  Her mouth drops open.  She looks all
        around -- as if she'd just seen a ghost or two.

        Jane Butterfield's car pulls up and Jane gets out.
        Little Jane sits in the front seat, burdened with an
        enormous stack of collated and stapled copies.  Jane
        waves to Charles but he doesn't see her and walks away.
        She walks in his direction.

        Lydia catches sight of Jane and runs over, squeezing be-
        tween two vans.

        Little Jane locks her door, in fear of Lydia -- the
        strange.  Lydia stares at her.

                                LITTLE JANE
                  Are you a boy or a girl?

                                LYDIA
                  I only speak to vertebrates.
                  Where's your old lady?

        Jane comes up.

                                JANE
                  Well there's a Little Deetz at
                  least.  Boy, when you city people
                  do something, you do it right,
                  don't you?

                                LYDIA
                  What happened to the people who
                  used to live here?

                                LITTLE JANE
                         (ratty little voice)
                  They drowned!

                                JANE
                  Yes, they were my best friends
                  in all the world.  I was
                  devastated.
                         (beat)
                  Here, darling.

        Jane hands a key to Lydia.

                                LYDIA
                         (impressed)
                  Is this the key to the attic?

                                JANE
                  That's a skeleton key.  It'll
                  open any door in that house.  Will
                  you give it to your father?
                         (handing her a
                          business card)
                  And you might mention that I
                  single-handedly decorated the
                  house.  In case he needs advice
                  in that area.  Come see me.

        Jane goes away.  After a few steps, she looks back.

                                JANE
                  Are we going to be seeing you at
                  Miss Shannon's Boarding School?

                                LYDIA
                  Yes, but I'm going to live at
                  home.

                                JANE
                  Remind me to talk to your mother
                  about the dress code.
                         (walking off)
                  I'm sure you're going to be very
                  happy there.

                                LITTLE JANE
                         (sarcastically)
                  You bet!  We love new kids.

        Jane drives off.  Little Jane stares back with her grubby
        little grin.  Lydia's face sobers as she looks up at the
        now empty attic window.

                                DELIA (O.S.)
                  Help!  Get off me!

        Lydia drops the skeleton key into her pocket surreptitiously.
        She follows Delia's SHRIEKING.


        EXT. HOUSE - DAY

        Lydia rounds the corner to see Delia, pinned flat against
        the house by one of her horrid steel sculptures.  Two 
        movers are struggling to free her.  Lydia snaps a quick
        photograph.

        They finally free Delia.  She clutches at her head, just
        short of tearing her hair out.

                                DELIA
                  You jerks!  That is my art, and
                  it is dangerous!  You think I
                  want to die like that?
                         (seeing Lydia)
                  Lydia.  Moving is a family affair.
                  So buckle down now and go get
                  Mommy some drugs.

                                LYDIA
                  Any particular kind?

                                DELIA
                  Joke!  Joke!  Aspirin!  It doesn't
                  matter what brand.

        Lydia walks off toward the house.


        INT. ATTIC - DAY

        Barbara is half-hiding on the edge of the window.

                                BARBARA
                  That little girl saw us.

                                ADAM
                  She couldn't have.  We can't
                  make them see us.

                                BARBARA
                  But she saw us.  I could feel it.

                                ADAM
                         (pause, thinking
                          that over)
                  That's all we need.

        Lydia goes off towards the house.  Looks up at the window
        again.  No one there.


        INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - DAY

        Lydia looks up the stairs at the attic landing.  She's a
        little scared.  She decides to go up the dark stairs.


        INT. HALL

        At the end of the hall stands Charles, directing men who
        are carrying books into the room that will be his study.
        Charles sees her.

                                CHARLES
                  Where is your mother?

                                LYDIA
                         (very quick decisive
                          delivery)
                  Stepmother.
                         (back to regular
                          speech)
                  She's out torturing the movers.

                                CHARLES
                  Lydia.  Try to be civil.  I'm
                  going to see if I can set up a
                  noise-free zone in the study.

        He continues on.

        A BLAST of STEAM --

        -- fills the hallway, because workmen are already going
        at the wallpaper.  Lydia emerges from it.  Looking up at
        stairway to attic.  Mounting courage.


        INT. STAIRCASE TO ATTIC - DAY

        Lydia creeps upward, taking the skeleton key from her
        pocket.  She stops momentarily when she hears her
        father's voice somewhere behind her.

                                CHARLES (O.S.)
                  Lydia!  Lydia!

        Then, when that voice is covered by OTHER SOUNDS of the
        MOVING, she continues upward.  FLOORBOARDS SQUEAK.


        INT. ATTIC - DAY

        Adam works on his model.  He hears the SQUEAK, looks up
        confidently.

                                ADAM
                         (whispering)
                  Don't worry.  I've locked it.


        INT. ATTIC LANDING

        Lydia quietly inserts the key in the lock of the attic
        door.  She turns it.  The key is stiff.  She turns
        harder.  It's stuck.  Lydia tries the door -- it's no
        go.  She turns the key again.  This time it goes all
        the way around.


        INT. ATTIC - DAY

        Barbara and Adam, surprised by the key, look at each
        other, carefully, very quietly, stand up and tiptoe
        toward door.

        Suddenly -- on the screen of an old TV set in the corner
        of the attic, a ghostly image POPS ON.


        ON TV

        A bizarre smallish fellow, outfitted in a too-big cowboy
        hat, bad wig, and over-sized sunglasses appears on screen
        singing very quickly.  (It's a heavily disguised
        Betelgeuse.)

        Behind him the camera quickly pans an assortment of tomb-
        stones a la Cal Worthington.

                                BETELGEUSE
                         (singing)
                  Have the living got you down?
                     Betelgeuse!
                  Are they jacking you around?
                     Betelgeuse!
                  Have you broken out in hives
                  'cause you're tired of their jive?
                  I will drive them from your hive...
                     Betelgeuse!

        Camera tilts down a flashing tombstone with "BETELGEUSE"
        written on it.


        ADAM

        rushes over to shut it off.  He can't find a plug.  He
        looks around behind set... no workings inside at all.
        He peers around to the screen.  It is blank.  Suddenly
        Betelgeuse POPS ON AGAIN.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  Say it once... Betelgeuse
                  Say it twice... Betelgeuse.
                  The third time's a charm...
                     Betelgeuse!
                  Come on down!

        He POPS OFF.  Adam and Barbara stare at each other.


        INT. LANDING - DAY

        Lydia listens.  Did she hear something?  She puts her
        hand on the knob and tries to turn it.  It's stuck.

        Then the key eerily pops out of the lock and falls on
        floor.

        Charles' head suddenly appears behind her.  Scares her.

                                CHARLES
                  What are you doing?


        INT. ATTIC

        Adam is holding on tight to the knob of the door.  With
        her knitting needle, Barbara has poked the key out.  The
        two stand absolutely still, listening, terrified of the
        living intruders.


        INT. ATTIC LANDING - LYDIA AND CHARLES

                                LYDIA
                  I was just trying to open the
                  door.  Mrs. Butterfield brought
                  over a skeleton key.

                                CHARLES
                  Let me have it.


        INT. ATTIC - DAY

        Barbara and Adam tighten.


        ON LANDING

                                LYDIA
                  But it doesn't work.

        She hands her father the key.  He looks at it and throws
        it in the corner.

                                CHARLES
                  Skeleton keys never work.  Anyway,
                  this can wait.  We'll get a crowbar
                  later.  Your mother...

                                LYDIA
                         (very quick decisive
                          delivery)
                  Stepmother.

                                CHARLES
                  ... asked you for something,
                  didn't she?  I'm going down to
                  relax.  I want a noise-free zone.
                  Do you understand?  Noise free.

        He goes down the stairs.

                                LYDIA
                  Dad?

        He continues.

                                CHARLES
                         (irritated, over
                          his shoulder)
                  What?

                                LYDIA
                  I'm lonely.

        A BLAST of STEAM from below drowns out her words.
        Charles stops and turns around.  The blast stops.

                                CHARLES
                  What?


        EXT. YARD AND BARN

        Delia comes out of the barn, tearing her hair.  She
        screams up at the house.

                                DELIA
                  Where are my drugs?


        TIGHT ON LYDIA

        She is resolved.

                                LYDIA
                  Nothing.

        Charles continues.  She begins to follow slowly.


        ON KEY

        Behind Lydia, Adam rushes out the door, grabs the key
        and rushes back in again.  Lydia hears something but
        doesn't see.


        INT. ATTIC

        Barbara and Adam have moved away from the door.

                                ADAM
                  There's nothing we can do.  It's
                  just a matter of time before they
                  unlock this room.  There goes my
                  model.  There goes our last
                  refuge.

                                BARBARA
                  We're not going to wait here like
                  cornered animals.  I can tell you
                  that.  We need help.  I'm going
                  to talk to that little girl.

                                ADAM
                  What about this Beetle guy?

                                BARBARA
                  We don't know who he is...
                         (thinking)
                  ... I'm going to talk to that
                  little girl.

                                ADAM
                  Are you crazy?  She can't hear
                  you.

                                BARBARA
                  I don't know... what are you
                  looking up?

                                ADAM
                         (looking through
                          the handbook)
                  We need some help.  I found
                  something this morning.  Here.
                  Emergencies.
                         (reads)
                  'In case of emergency, draw door.'

                                BARBARA
                  Draw door?  I don't know why we
                  keep looking in that stupid
                  book.

        Adam takes a piece of chalk and draws a little door on
        the exposed brick of the chimney.

                                BARBARA
                  You don't actually think this
                  is going to work?

        Adam draws a doorknob.  Then he tries to turn it.  The
        door, perhaps to his surprise, fails to open.

                                BARBARA
                  Yet another triumph for Adam
                  and Barbara in the afterlife.

                                ADAM
                  Wait.

        He looks at book, then writes on the door:  KNOCK AND
        ENTER.  He exchanges a glance with Barbara.  She's even
        more skeptical than before.  Turns away in disgust.

        Adam knocks on the door, and turns the knob.  Nothing.
        She is more disgusted.  Adam goes back to the book.

                                ADAM
                  Aha!  Knock three times.

        He knocks three times.  Turns knob.  The chalked door
        swings magnificently open.

        Behind is an eerie light source, SOARING MUSIC, maybe
        even a heavenly choir singing pear-shaped syllables.

        Barbara and Adam look at one another again.  They hold
        hands and step tentatively through.

        Their figures are lost in the blinding light.

        They start to shut door after them.


        ON ATTIC LANDING

        Lydia is staring at the light pouring from under the
        attic door.  It suddenly goes out.


        ON LYDIA

        She is dumbfounded.  She listens.


        INT. ATTIC - DAY

        Deserted silence.  Just the chalkmarked door.


        ON LANDING

        Lydia speeds down the steps.


        INT. CHARLES' STUDY - DAY

        Charles, fiercely intent on relaxing, paces like a
        catfish out of water.  Ralph Lauren in K-mart.  He
        stretches.  He sits uneasily in an easy chair, tries
        like hell to get comfortable.  Finally, he puts a book
        under his bottom to get sitting straight.  Looks around
        tapping his fingers.  What to do?  Looks at watch.

        He takes down a book from Adam's library, it is an
        Audubon book of birds.  He whips through it like it's
        the comics and then looks around for more.

        He finds the Illustrated Walden by Thoreau.  He speed
        reads it.

        He is now really bored.  Goes to the fireplace, tries to
        light it.  Cannot do it.  Goes to desk and writes.

                       OTHO-INSTALL GAS FIRE LOGS IN
                       STUDY.

        He studies bird posters.  Finds beautiful cardinal
        picture.

        Takes field glasses and looks out window.


        HIS POV

        Spies big ugly-looking ratty bird.


        ON CHARLES

        Horrified.  Wrinkles his nose.

        Lydia enters.  He jumps.

                                CHARLES
                  Jesus Christ!

        Lydia is shocked.

                                CHARLES
                  Darling, can't you see I'm relaxing
                  in here!

                                LYDIA
                  Well I just wanted to tell you
                  what I saw.

                                CHARLES
                  Lydia.  What the hell is the point
                  of my moving up here if you people
                  won't let me relax?  Go help your
                  mother.

        Charles returns to field glasses, spies something.  She
        looks at him in frustration.

                                LYDIA
                         (on her way out)
                  Fine.  Maybe you can relax in a
                  haunted house.  But I can't.

        She exits.  Charles peers after her, brow furrowed.
        Looks out again at the village.  Uses his field glasses
        to get a better look.


        HIS POV

        It is the Bozman Building.  Ernie is out front polishing
        the brass lion.


        ON CHARLES

        He thinks.  Moves the field glasses to punctuate his
        discovery of the building.  (His eyes never leave field
        glasses throughout the following.)

                                CHARLES
                  Nice building... Bad paint.
                  Good lines... bad roof.
                  Good parking... hmmm???

        That really registers with him.  Without looking he dials
        a familiar number on the phone with one hand, lifts the
        receiver.  He clacks his teeth together purposefully.

                                SECRETARY (V.O.)
                  Botco International.

                                CHARLES
                  Yes, I'd like to speak with Maxie
                  Dean.

                                SECRETARY (V.O.)
                  He's not in right now.

                                CHARLES
                  Well tell him that Charles Deetz
                  called.

        He hangs up and continues to spy on Bozman Building.
        Clacks his teeth.

                                CHARLES
                  My God what I could do with that
                  parking.

                                                   DISSOLVE TO:


        TIGHT - BARBARA AND ADAM

        Very still, they look cautiously to the right and left
        -- just with their eyes.  They're astounded by what
        they see, though we don't yet see it.

                                ADAM
                  ... Not what I expected when we
                  walked through that door.

                                BARBARA
                  No.  But it's somewhere without
                  big worms.

        CAMERA DRAWS BACK and we find that Adam and Barbara are
        in:


        INT. WAITING ROOM - DAY

        The most unpleasant waiting room that you ever remember
        waiting in.  Fifties furniture with broken legs, couches
        propped up on telephone books.  Standing ashtrays with
        dirty sand.  Linoleum floors patched a hundred times.
        National Geographics with the covers torn off.  The "Take
        a number" registers in the millions.

        As the CAMERA COMPLETES A CIRCLE of the room, we see a
        RECEPTIONIST.  She's the quintessential 50's receptionist
        -- tight sweater, bullet-breasted bra, bleached hair, red
        lipstick.  She's wearing a ribbon across her breast reading
        "MISS ARGENTINA" and there are knife slashes across
        both wrists.

                                RECEPTIONIST
                  You don't have an appointment, do
                  you?

                                ADAM
                  W... We didn't know how to make
                  one.

                                BARBARA
                  An appointment for what?

                                RECEPTIONIST
                  What do you want?

                                BARBARA
                  We need some help.

                                RECEPTIONIST
                  Already?  You just bit the big
                  one nine months ago and you want
                  help?

                                ADAM
                  Nine months?  What difference
                  does that make?

                                RECEPTIONIST
                         (shrugging)
                  Good luck.  You're going to use
                  up all your help vouchers.

                                ADAM
                  Help vouchers?

                                RECEPTIONIST
                  D-90's.  You spend a hundred
                  and twenty-five years on earth,
                  actually, in that house, during
                  which you get only three class-
                  one D-90 intercessions with Juno.
                  You probably haven't even read
                  through the manual completely
                  yet.

                                BARBARA
                  Why three?

        The Receptionist holds up both hands, each of which have
        only three fingers on them.

                                RECEPTIONIST
                  Rule Number Three.  Everything
                  comes in threes.  You'll have
                  to wait if you don't have an
                  appointment.

                                BARBARA
                  How long do we have to wait?

                                ADAM
                  Wait for who?

                                RECEPTIONIST
                  For Juno, your caseworker.  Not
                  that it matters to your type.  But
                  there are all these other people
                  here ahead of you.  I'd say three
                  hours.

        The waiting room is now filled with people.  Dead people,
        some in fairly awful states.  A cornucopia of carnal
        shreddage.

        Adam and Barbara look around for a moment, then very
        quietly, they reach out to grasp hands.

                                RECEPTIONIST
                  Number 54 million, six hundred
                  one.  Ferndock.

        CAMERA PUSHES IN CLOSE.

                                                   DISSOLVE TO:


        INT. ATTIC LANDING - DAY

        Lydia kneels down with a screwdriver, a nail file, an
        ice pick, and a credit card.  She inserts nail file into
        the door.  She struggles, and after several attempts --
        finally uses the ice pick and POP!  The door swings open
        ominously.

        INT. ATTIC - DAY

        Lydia enters.  The room is dim, and filled with dust
        motes.  There are shadows in all the corners.

        She bumps into a switch which engages the model sun and
        moon and that eerily illuminates the model town.  She's
        frightened, then entranced.

        She peers at it from different angles, her fear for-
        gotten.  She notes small tools scattered around an un-
        finished area.  She continues around the model, oblivious
        to everything else.  Then...

        A LOUD CRASH --

        She whirls around, barely stifling a scream.  It was only
        a pushbroom that she knocked from its hook on the wall.

        Recovering, she kicks something.  Ducks under the table
        and comes up with something, holds it up to the light.
        It's the handbook.  She looks through it.  Finds the
        marked page... looks at the chalk door.


        INT. OFFICE - DAY

        Barbara and Adam are still holding hands, as if they
        hadn't moved.  Like waiting for an IRS audit.

                                BARBARA
                         (to Adam)
                  Is this what happens when you die?

        The Receptionist overhears.  She points at Barbara.

                                RECEPTIONIST
                  This is what happens when YOU die!
                         (points to another
                          corpse)
                  That is what happens when HE dies.
                  That is what happens when THEY
                  die.  It's highly personal.  And
                  I'll tell you something... if I
                  knew then what I know now... I
                  wouldn't have had my little
                  'accident'!

        She holds up her wrists and smiling at her little joke,
        wriggles them indicating her slashes.

                                OTHER CORPSES
                         (all together)
                  Amen!

        Barbara and Adam look at them.  Corpses resume doing
        what they were doing.  A GRINDING NOISE O.S. -- the
        Receptionist looks up.

        Barbara and Adam also look O.S.


        THEIR POV

        A message delivery WIRE GRINDS along LOUDLY on a pulley.
        The actual message is held in the hand of THE MESSENGER,
        a flattened corpse, suspended as if a shirt on a clothes-
        line, tire marks on his face and clothing.  A major
        roadkill.  Dust and gravel ground into him.


        BACK TO SCENE

        He smiles wanly at Barbara and Adam as the Receptionist
        takes a message on a piece of paper and reads it.

                                RECEPTIONIST
                  Maitland, party of two!  Take
                  your handbook and go to the
                  sixth door.

        Barbara and Adam upset at the loss of their handbook...

                                BARBARA
                  We forgot our handbook.

                                                   CUT TO:


        INT. ATTIC - DAY

        Lydia is studying the handbook with intense interest.

                                CHARLES (O.S.)
                         (from distant
                          downstairs)
                  Lydia, Delia needs your help!

        Lydia gives one more look at the book, and then goes to
        the door quickly and silently.

                                CHARLES (O.S.)
                  Right now, Delia says!


        INT. OFFICE - DAY

                                RECEPTIONIST
                         (shaking her head
                          in disgust)
                  Out that way, through the typing
                  pool, down the corridor, sixth
                  door on your left.  Sixth door.
                  Two threes.
                         (shaking her head)
                  Airhead.

        Adam and Barbara walk through a door.


        INT. TYPING POOL - DAY

        A vast room of desks arranged in a grid, straight out of
        How To Succeed In Business... Each desk is occupied, too,
        but most of the secretaries are merely skeletons, or
        mouldering corpses slumped over their typewriters.

        Only one secretary, somewhere in the vast grid, is typing
        slowly, with long pauses between words.

        The Messenger on his return trip, parallels Barbara and
        Adam as they walk along.  Barbara can't look at him.

                                MESSENGER
                  How do I look?  There're no
                  mirrors on this side.

                                ADAM
                         (trying to be
                          pleasant)
                  Fine, you look fine.

                                MESSENGER
                  Thanks.  I've been feeling a
                  little flat.

        He goes back through the very very narrow slot in the
        wall where the line runs.  Adam and Barbara look to the
        right and left.  A vast stack of files slips off a desk
        and spills out onto the floor.

        Barbara and Adam enter corridor.


        INT. CORRIDOR - DAY

        Empty, like a hotel corridor, but all the doors are of
        different types -- a revolving door, a dutch door, church
        doors.  They walk past a waist-high window, covered by a
        roll-up shade.

                                BARBARA
                  A hundred twenty-five years!
                  I can't believe it.  I can't
                  believe they didn't tell us.

        She bumps into the SHADE and it rolls up FLAPPING.  She
        stares in through the window.  Adam peers in, too.


        THEIR POV

        A smouldering, mist-filled room.  From the smoky plasma
        floats an occasional tortured soul.  Unspeakably SAD
        MUSIC wafts from within.  They get only a glimpse of
        the bodies in this horrible human soup.


        BACK TO SCENE

                                BARBARA
                  Adam, look at this.

        Suddenly, floating up from below, immediately on the
        other side of the window, a white-crepe face emerges.
        It seems to be that of a woman, her eyes are red and
        blue tears rim them.  Her pale skin is covered with a
        flaking crust of salt.  She wears the saddest look ever.
        Her mouth opens plaintively but no sound comes.

                                BARBARA
                  Oh, Adam... what is this?

        A reflection joins them on their side of the window.

        A SINISTER LITTLE JANITOR -- wizened and efficient,
        pulls the shade down firmly.

                                SINISTER MAN
                  That's the lost souls room.  A
                  room for ghosts who have been
                  exorcised.  Poor devils.  That's
                  death for the dead.  It's all in
                  the handbook.  Keep moving.

        The man scuttles off.  Adam and Barbara walk on sadly,
        until they come to a door that looks exactly like the
        swinging door between the kitchen and dining room of
        their house.

                                ADAM
                  This is it... the sixth door.

        Puzzled -- Barbara pushes it.


        INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

        Everything is dark, quiet -- but the furniture is obvi-
        ously not theirs, and neither is the decoration.  Adam
        and Barbara exchange glances, and push on through into
        the living room.


        INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

        Quiet, dark.  Everyone's asleep.

                                ADAM
                  My God, we're back where we
                  started.

                                BARBARA
                  Look at this, everything is
                  different down here.  All our
                  furniture is gone.

                                ADAM
                  How long do you suppose we were
                  waiting?

                                JUNO
                  Three months.

        A spot comes on, revealing JUNO -- their case worker.
        She's an older woman, no nonsense about her.  Overdressed
        in an outfit that includes a blouse with ruffled cuffs.
        We will at some point catch a glimpse of her slashed
        throat -- She smokes heavily.  Occasionaly smoke puffs
        from her cut throat.

                                JUNO
                  I'd nearly given up on you.  I
                  was about to leave.  I do have
                  other clients.

                                BARBARA
                  Are you Juno, our case worker?

                                JUNO
                  Yes.  I evaluate individual cases
                  and determine if help is needed,
                  deserved, and available.

                                BARBARA
                  We need help.  We deserve help.

                                ADAM
                  Are you available?

                                JUNO
                  No.
                         (beat)
                  What's wrong?

                                BARBARA
                  We're very unhappy.

                                JUNO
                  What do you expect?  You're dead.

                                ADAM
                  We'd like some help in getting
                  rid of the people who moved in
                  here.  Barbara and I worked very
                  hard on this house.

                                BARBARA
                  We probably wouldn't mind sharing
                  the house with people who were --

                                JUNO
                  -- Like you used to be?

                                BARBARA
                  Yes.

                                ADAM
                  But these people --

        He indicates a particularly bad piece of Delia's sculpture.
        Juno walks around it shaking her head.

        The following conversation takes place as Barbara and
        Adam follow Juno as she looks around the house and ends
        up in their attic space.  They walk through doors, survey
        the Deetzes on the way.

                                JUNO
                  Hell is other people.  You
                  obviously don't read much.
                  Besides things seem pretty quiet
                  here.  You should thank God you
                  didn't die in Italy.
                         (checking the file)
                  The Deetzes.  Okay.  Have you
                  been studying the manual?

                                ADAM
                  We tried.

                                JUNO
                  The Intermediate Interface chapter
                  on Haunting says it all.  Get 'em
                  out yourself.  It's your house.
                  Haunted houses don't come easy.

                                BARBARA
                  We don't quite get it.

        Juno's WATCH BUZZES, she stops it.

                                JUNO
                  I heard.
                         (refers to her file)
                  Tore your face right off!  Bad
                  news.  It obviously doesn't do
                  any good to pull your heads off
                  in front of people if they can't
                  see you.

                                ADAM
                  We have to start simpler, is
                  that it?

                                JUNO
                  Start simply.  Do what you know.
                  Use your talents.  Practice.  We
                  only help those who help themselves.
                  Just do a little at a time.  And
                  of course, practice, practice,
                  practice.  It's tricky but -- you
                  weren't murderers by any chance,
                  were you?

                                BARBARA
                  No.

                                JUNO
                  Pity.  Murderers seem to have an
                  easy time of it.  Just look at
                  Amityville.
                         (reminiscing)
                  He was one of my boys.  Didn't
                  have to give that one any lessons.
                  From day one... But I must be off
                  ... I've got a planeload of
                  football players crashed in the
                  midwest... they need a lot of help,
                  just with the basics.

        Points at her head indicating dumbness.

                                BARBARA
                  If... we have trouble.  What about
                  the guy in the flyer?  Betelge...

                                JUNO
                         (quickly interrupting
                          her)
                  No.  You don't want his help.

        Adam and Barbara look at each other.  Puzzled.

                                ADAM & BARBARA
                  Well... We might...


        INT. ATTIC - NIGHT

        Juno peers into the model cemetery with interest.  A FLY
        BUZZES around her.  Juno blows it away.  Fly flees.

                                JUNO
                  No, you don't!  He does not work
                  well with others.

                                BARBARA
                  What do you mean?  What's he do?

                                JUNO
                  He's a freelance bio-exorcist.
                  Claims to get rid of the living.
                  But he's a troublemaker.  He's
                  pushy.  He's been sleazing around
                  that cemetery for 500 years.

                                BARBARA
                  Our cemetery?

                                JUNO
                  Yeah.
                         (looking around)
                  He still tries popping up all
                  over the place.  But he can't join
                  the party unless you call on him.
                         (stronger)
                  Get the Deetzes out by yourselves!
                  I gotta go.

        She sucks on cigarette and smoke billows out the hole in
        her throat.  Juno starts to fade.

                                BARBARA
                         (persistently)
                  But what if we do need this
                  Betelgeuse?

        Juno fades.

                                JUNO
                         (angrily)
                  Don't say his name!  Just practice.
                  Do it yourself!

                                ADAM
                  And if we need you again, how do
                  we...?

        He turns around but Juno is gone.  Barbara goes to the
        model, looks at the cemetery.

                                BARBARA
                  That guy is in our cemetery.  Oh,
                  Adam.

                                ADAM
                         (holds her shoulders,
                          calms her)
                  Look, she's right.  We'll just
                  start simple, honey, be tougher.
                  I feel... confident.  C'mon.

        They exit.

        CAMERA FOLLOWS action -- OVER the model -- the FLY BUZZES.
        It lands and crawls along into the model of the cemetery.


        CLOSEUP - FLY

        Now large scale, crawls past gravestones marked Johnson,
        Burton, Olson, and Lee, finally to a crooked gravestone
        overgrown with ivy.

        The Fly, resplendently green and iridescent, pauses and
        fiddles with its hairy parts.  Starts to walk by.

                                VOICE (O.S.)
                  Pssstt!  Over here!

        Fly stops.  Tilts its multi-eyed head.


        ANOTHER ANGLE

        Two hands come up from the earth of that grave.  White
        gloves holding a golden, dripping comb of honey.

                                VOICE (O.S.)
                  I can't use this.  You should
                  have it.  Flies get so little
                  respect anymore.

        The flattered Fly walks over to the grave.  In a flash
        -- the hands grab the struggling Fly and dance it like
        a doll over the grave and then pull it into the earth.

                                FLY
                  Buzzz!
                         (turns into)
                  Hellp me!  Hellp me!

        A MANIACAL LAUGH grows from the grave.  WIND BLOWS as
        the Fly disappears.  Ivy whips away from the gravestone.
        We see, for the first time, the chiseled name:

                                BETELGEUSE

        CLAP of THUNDER.


        INT. CHARLES' STUDY - NIGHT

        Charles is on the phone.  He has drawings laid out in
        front of him.  He is at his most urban persuasive.

                                CHARLES
                  Maxie, have I not always made
                  you money?  I think that is the
                  only real question here.


        INT. MAXIE'S OFFICE - NIGHT

        New York office, cool design, black couch, and MAXIE
        DEAN, a 55-year-old, super tan, white-haired wheeler
        dealer.

        Sign says:  CHAIRMAN OF BOTCO INDUSTRIES.  Maxie looks
        rich and he looks cool as he talks to Charles.  Behind
        him -- Sarah, his rich-looking blonde wife, is looking
        at herself in a mirror.

                                MAXIE
                  Well, Charles -- no one has made
                  me money like you.  Until your
                  nerves went, you were a demon.
                  It is just that... Winter River,
                  Connecticut is, you'll forgive me
                  -- no fucking where.  Why would I
                  invest that kind of money to buy
                  an old building way the hell up
                  there?

        INTERCUT conversation.

                                CHARLES
                  Not a building!  That's the beauty
                  of it.  I think I can buy the
                  whole town.  These people don't
                  know the value of their property!

                                MAXIE
                  Then we own a whole town full of
                  nowhere.

                                CHARLES
                  No, no, c'mon, Max, you know me.
                  I've got plans.  You gotta come
                  up here and see, then I'll tell
                  you about it.

        Maxie isn't much interested.

                                MAXIE
                  Well, sure, Charles, but I am
                  busy here... you know how it was
                  when you were active.

        This burns Charles.  But he swallows it.  He hears
        something in the corridor outside -- a kind of LOW
        MOANING.

                                CHARLES
                         (into telephone)
                  Just a minute, Maxie.  Somebody...

                                MAXIE
                  No listen... we'll talk about
                  this visiting later, I gotta go,
                  I gotta meeting on the Japanese
                  joint venture.

                                CHARLES
                         (torn between the
                          moaning and Maxie)
                  Great idea, Maxie!  Those Japanese
                  could run it for us.  Build them a
                  dormitory in the woods.  Listen,
                  think right about it, will you?
                  We've almost got the house ready,
                  you bring Sarah with you and I'll
                  show you.

                                MAXIE
                  Yeah yeah, we'll think on it.
                  'Bye ya, Charles.  You relax up
                  there, ya hear?

        Maxie hangs up.  Shakes his head.

                                MAXIE
                  Putz!  Winter River?  My ass.


        INT. CHARLES' STUDY - NIGHT

        Charles hangs up frustrated.  MOANING INCREASES.  He
        goes to the door and flings it open.

        A figure is right there in the doorway -- A ghost under
        a sheet.  But a "designer" sheet.  He flails away like a
        banshee.  Eyeholes cut in sheets, Charles jumps --
        recovers.

                                CHARLES
                  Oh, Jesus, Lydia!  Is Connecticut
                  so boring that you have to think
                  up shit like this?


        ON BARBARA

        She stands back away from the door observing skeptically.

                                CHARLES
                  I had Maxie Dean on the phone!
                  Darling, Dad's found a way to
                  make some money here while I
                  relax, so scram!

        He slams the door, turns around.  Then turns around
        again, and jerks the door open.  The ghost is retreat-
        ing, beaten.

                                CHARLES
                  And your mother is going to kill
                  you when she sees that you cut
                  holes in her $300 sheets.  You
                  provoke her, you know.  I mean
                  she can be an unreasonable bitch.
                  But you do provoke her.

        He slams the door again.


        INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT

        Adam helps Barbara on with her sheet.

                                BARBARA
                  God, this is so corny.  Have we
                  been reduced to this?  Sheets?

                                ADAM
                  Think of them as death shrouds.
                  And the moaning is important.
                  Really moan!
                         (imitating Juno)
                  Practice, practice, practice.


        INT. MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT

        TELEVISION still going, Delia asleep with curlers.
        Adam and Barbara glide inside, go over and stand
        beside the bed.

                                ADAM
                  Deep breath... and...


        INT. LYDIA'S ROOM - NIGHT

        She has her ever-present camera around her neck.  Sud-
        denly hears MOANS from her parents' room.  Thinking it
        is sexual.  She cringes.  Covers her ears.

                                LYDIA
                  Gross!  How can he stand that
                  woman?
                         (louder)
                  Hey, cut it out!  I'm a child!
                  For God sakes!

        The NOISE gets weirder.  Lydia gets interested.


        INT. MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT

        Adam and Barbara moan and groan.  Delia doesn't stir.

                                BARBARA
                  I feel really stupid.

                                ADAM
                  It's not stupid.  We're ghosts.
                  Do you want this woman for
                  breakfast for 125 years?  Moan
                  louder!

        Barbara moans louder and more weirdly.

        Delia stirs, sits up, but doesn't open her eyes.

        Adam and Barbara are excited then...  disappointed as
        Delia fumbles on the bedside table for the remote control
        device, and without opening her eyes, turns OFF the
        TELEVISION set.  Then she turns over, and is lost to the
        world totally.

        Barbara sighs.  She and Adam walk toward the door.  When
        they open it, however, Lydia is standing there in her
        pajamas -- she snaps a FLASH Polaroid -- and Adam and
        Barbara jump backwards with yelps of fright.

                                LYDIA
                  Sick!  Sexual perversion!  Total
                  gross-out.  If you're going to do
                  weird sexual stuff you ought to
                  stay in your bedroom, okay?  You
                  want me to be more twisted than I
                  am?  It's so embarrassing.

        Lydia starts back into her room.  Then looks at the
        developing photograph.  Something catches her eye.


        ON PHOTOGRAPH

        Sheets suspended above the floor.  No feet.


        LYDIA

        yelps with fear.

                                LYDIA
                  Holy cow!  No feet!

        She screams.  Adam and Barbara scream.  Lydia rushes back
        toward them, starts FLASHING pictures.  Adam and Barbara
        run around and are pushed into a corner.  Polaroids fly
        everywhere.

        Lydia runs out of film.  She stares at them, panting with
        fear.  A standoff.

                                LYDIA
                  A... Are you the guys who're
                  hiding out in the attic?

                                ADAM
                         (fake terror voice)
                  We're ghosts.

        Barbara moans.

                                LYDIA
                         (skeptical, cautious)
                  W... What do you look like under
                  there?

        Adam and Barbara pull shut bedroom door, go out into the
        hall -- as if to keep from waking Delia with their
        conversation.


        INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT

        All three stare at each other tentatively.

                                ADAM
                  Aren't you scared?

                                LYDIA
                  I'm not scared of Ralph Lauren.
                  Those are sheets.  Are you gross
                  under there?  Are you Night of the
                  Living Dead under there?  Like all
                  bloody veins and pus?

                                ADAM
                  What?

                                LYDIA
                  Night of the Living Dead?  It's
                  this gross movie.

                                BARBARA
                         (pulling off
                          the sheet)
                  If I had seen a ghost at your age,
                  I would have been frightened out
                  of my wits.

                                LYDIA
                  You're not gross.  Why were you
                  wearing a sheet?

                                BARBARA
                  We're practicing.

                                ADAM
                  You can actually see us?  Without
                  the sheets?

                                LYDIA
                  Is this like a trick question?

                                BARBARA
                  Tell the truth.

                                LYDIA
                         (offended)
                  I always tell the truth.  Of course
                  I can see you.

                                ADAM
                  Nobody else can.

                                LYDIA
                  I'm wearing contacts... Also I
                  read through Handbook for the
                  Recently Deceased.  It says that
                  live people ignore the strange
                  and unusual... not me... I am
                  strange and unusual.

                                BARBARA
                         (tenderly)
                  You look like a regular little
                  girl to me.

        Lydia blushes.  Barbara smiles warmly.  She is beginning
        to like Lydia.

                                ADAM
                  You read our book?  Could you
                  follow it?

        Lydia nods her head.

                                LYDIA
                  Why are you creeping around Delia's
                  bedroom?

                                ADAM
                  We were trying to scare your
                  mother.

                                LYDIA
                  Stepmother.  I'm very sensitive
                  about being related to reptiles.

        Barbara smiles.

                                LYDIA
                  You can't scare her.  She's
                  sleeping with Prince Valium
                  tonight.
                         (defiantly)
                  I stole the key to your attic,
                  you know.

        Adam and Barbara look at each other.

                                BARBARA
                  Maybe we better talk.


        INT. ATTIC ROOM - NIGHT

        Adam's rigged up the moon, and stars, too.  Adam and
        Barbara and Lydia stand just beyond the fringes of the
        town, dimly lighted giants.

                                LYDIA
                  You did this?  You carved all
                  these little figures and houses
                  and things?

                                ADAM
                         (pleased)
                  I certainly did.  I'd finish it
                  too, but... I don't get out much.

                                LYDIA
                  And this used to be your house, I
                  bet.  Why do you want to scare
                  everybody?

                                ADAM
                  We want to frighten you away.
                         (a little
                          embarrassed)
                  So that you'll move out.

                                LYDIA
                  You don't know the Deetzes very
                  well, do you?  My father bought
                  this place.  He never walks away
                  from equity.  Why don't you
                  leave?

                                BARBARA
                  We can't.  We haven't left the
                  house since the funeral.

                                LYDIA
                  Funeral.  God, you guys really are
                  dead!
                         (fascinated)
                  What was it like?  The funeral.
                  Did you cry?

                                ADAM
                  We weren't there.  The handbook
                  says funerals aren't for the dead.

                                LYDIA
                  God, if this is true this is like,
                  amazing!  I kinda like it up here.
                  Can I visit you sometimes?

                                BARBARA
                  Well, I don't know... We don't
                  get many visitors.

                                ADAM
                  Where are your skulls and bones?

                                BARBARA
                         (looking at her
                          pajamas)
                  You know you're really a pretty
                  girl.

        Lydia flushes.

                                LYDIA
                         (defensive)
                  I don't wear that stuff to bed.
                  Besides, there's nothing wrong
                  with it.  I'm getting out of here.

                                BARBARA
                  Wait... I don't think it would be
                  a very good idea if you told your
                  parents that we're up here.

                                ADAM
                  Unless you think it would scare
                  them off.

        Lydia hurumphs!  Starts to exit.

                                ADAM
                  You tell them that we are desperate
                  horrible ghoulish creatures who
                  will stop at nothing to get back
                  our house.

                                LYDIA
                         (looks him up
                          and down)
                  Wait a minute.  I had some licorice
                  ice cream earlier.  You guys could
                  be gas.  What if... I'm dreaming.
                  Can you do any neat tricks to
                  prove you're not gas?

        Barbara shakes her head, a little ashamed.

                                LYDIA
                  Well, if you are real ghosts you
                  better get another routine, those
                  sheets suck!

        She sneaks a smile at Barbara and exits.


        EXT. HOUSE - DAY

        A big ugly machine is doing something unnecessary to the
        yard.


        INT. BASEMENT - DAY

        Shadowed.  Potentially filled with terror as are all
        basements in horror movies.  CAMERA MOVES OVER TO a
        little shed-like room in the corner.  Noise of FAST-
        TICKING CLOCK.


        INT. DARKROOM - DAY

        The FAST-TICKING CLOCK is a timer.  Lydia is making
        Polaroid enlargements.  She's quick and expert at this.
        She's examining a print with a magnifying glass.


        INT. UPSTAIRS BATHROOM - DAY

        Delia shrieks.  Going through the dirty clothes, she's
        just come across the sheets with the eye holes cut in
        them.

                                DELIA
                  Lydia!  Lydia!  My hands are
                  shredded from doing the laundry,
                  and now I have to deal with your
                  vandalism!


        INT. DARKROOM - DAY

        A photograph coming up in the developing tank -- the
        ghosts in the hallway.

                                LYDIA
                         (hearing a commotion
                          from Delia)
                  Oh my God... the sheets!


        INT. DOWNSTAIRS HALLWAY - DAY

        Lydia, pounding up from the basement with the wet print,
        collides with Delia, rushing down from the second floor
        with the scissored sheets.

                                DELIA
                  Lydia, honest to God, I'm going
                  to kill you.  I'm having a party
                  tonight.  I'm cooking, I can't get
                  servants.  Do I need angst?  No,
                  I certainly do not!

        Lydia speeds by her.

                                DELIA
                  You owe me three-hundred bucks,
                  Lydia!  Don't go running to your
                  father, you worm.


        INT. CHARLES' OFFICE - DAY

        Lydia rushes in.  Charles is working furiously on a word
        processor, amidst an array of maps and plans.

                                LYDIA
                  Dad.  Do you believe me?

                                CHARLES
                  Yes.  Except when you creep around
                  in your mother's --

                                LYDIA
                  Stepmother's...

                                CHARLES
                  ... sheets.

                                LYDIA
                  Well this is... I mean, this is
                  the weirdest --

                                CHARLES
                  Lydia, I don't know what it is
                  with you and these pratical jokes,
                  but --

                                LYDIA
                  This is not a joke!  That sheet
                  was full of ghosts.

        She hands him the photo.  He looks.  Lydia points out...

                                LYDIA
                  No feet.

        Charles laughs a fatherly, patronizing, but affectionate
        laugh and cuffs Lydia lightly.  He laughs louder as he
        looks at photo again.

                                LYDIA
                  You don't believe me.  That sheet
                  was full of ghosts.  They live
                  here.

        Charles begins to scroll through a computer program.

                                CHARLES
                         (dismissing it)
                  That's air-brushing!  Now would
                  you please -- I'll tell you what
                  ... I know!  You're bored, right?
                  You take that camera and your bike
                  and photograph every building
                  downtown.  Don't tell anyone what
                  it's for...
                         (handing her a wad
                          of bills)
                  Here, take some cash and go do it.
                  How's that?  You want to stretch,
                  don't you?

        Lydia exits, with determination.  Charles looks up on the
        wall and runs his finger over a plat map of Winter River,
        just like Adam's in the attic.

                                CHARLES
                  Look at the size of these lots...

        Adam peers at the map, puzzled.

                                ADAM
                  What is this guy doing?

        Barbara follows Lydia out.  Adam thinks, intrigued.
        Exits.


        INT. KITCHEN - DAY

        Delia is frantically preparing for the evening's dinner
        party.  Lydia is very much in her way, trying to show her
        the photographs.  Delia isn't looking at them.

                                DELIA
                  I can't believe you are doing this
                  to me!  Ghosts.  I am giving a
                  dinner party for seven people
                  tonight.  Otho has agreed to come
                  back for the demolition of the
                  attic.  My agent, Bernard, is
                  bringing some woman who writes for
                  Architectural Digest.  In fact, no
                  one here tonight has not been in
                  Vanity Fair.  Except you.

                                LYDIA
                         (resigned)
                  I told them you were too mean to
                  be afraid.

                                DELIA
                  Don't you dare talk to others
                  about me.  I'm an artist!  The
                  only thing that scares me is being
                  embarrassed in front of my
                  friends.  Do you know how hard it
                  is to get civilized people to set
                  foot in this part of Connecticut?
                  Not a solitary word of this
                  pubescent tripe to anyone.

        Lydia exits angrily.

        CAMERA HINGES.  Barbara is watching, horrified at Delia's
        occupation of her (Barbara's) kitchen.  Adam appears.

                                BARBARA
                  Lydia's trying, but they don't
                  believe her.

                                ADAM
                  She's got photos, Barbara.

                                BARBARA
                  Adam, you had a photo of Big Foot!

                                ADAM
                  This is different.  Eventually
                  she'll take someone to the attic.
                  And then what?  We've got to try
                  to contact this guy Betelmyer.
                  We gotta get some help, hon.


        INT. ATTIC ROOM - DAY (LATER)

        Adam looks intently through the book.  Barbara is staring
        at the cemetery with his magnifying glass.


        REVERSE ANGLE ON HER MAGNIFIED EYES

                                BARBARA
                  Did you copy these gravestones
                  right, Adam?

                                ADAM (O.S.)
                  Of course I did.

                                BARBARA
                  Then it should be here.


        BACK TO SCENE

        She searches the tiny graves.

                                BARBARA
                  Burton, Lee, Bozman.  Wait.

        She takes a tweezer and moves some ivy on the Betelgeuse
        grave.  Adam approaches.

                                BARBARA
                         (very excited)
                  Here's something.

                                ADAM
                  I didn't do that one... Hmmm.

                                BARBARA
                  ... Yes this must be him.  Look...
                  Betelgeuse... Betelgeuse...

        She looks at Adam, "should I?" Adam chews his lip
        thoughtfully.

                                ADAM
                  Go ahead... third time's a charm.

                                BARBARA
                         (after a deep breath)
                  Betelgeuse!

        Zap!  They are transported into the model-graveyard.


        EXT. INSIDE MODEL GRAVEYARD - NIGHT

        WIND BLOWS -- with shovels and lanterns, Adam and Barbara
        are unlikely gravediggers.

        The mechanized clouds move in the sky across the
        mechanical moon, throwing weird shadows everywhere.
        Ground fog creeps slowly along the graves.  It is
        so eerie.

                                BARBARA
                  What happened?

                                ADAM
                  Three times.  Powerful number.

                                BARBARA
                         (standing in front
                          of grave)
                  Bet... el... geuse.  What an
                  awful name.  I thought it was
                  like -- you know.  The juice of
                  beetles.

        Adam cringes too.

                                BARBARA
                  Where is he?  What do we do?

        Adam looks down at the grave.  Knocks on the stone.
        Nothing.

                                ADAM
                  Has anything been simple so far?
                  From the look of the shovel, we
                  dig.

                                BARBARA
                  Oh, Adam.  I don't have gloves.  My
                  nails keep getting longer.  I'll
                  break them.

        Hands her a shovel anyway.  She digs.


        EXT. INSIDE MODEL GRAVEYARD - NIGHT (LATER)

        They're almost down six feet.  By now they are both
        almost out of sight in the grave.  Inside the grave,
        Adam suddenly hits wood.

                                BARBARA
                  It's about time.

        They lean down and brush dirt off a brass plate coffin.

                                   "BETELGEUSE"

                                ADAM
                  I guess we open it.

                                BARBARA
                  Maybe we should knock first?

        A slight TREMOR shakes them.  They look at each other and
        try to scramble from the grave.


        TOPSIDE

        They just barely crawl out when a mouldering corpse
        springs out of the grave and jumps on Barbara's back, and
        plants a thousand-year-old kiss on her lips.  She screams
        and burbles.  Adam pulls the corpse off her back.  The
        corpse does a Three Stooges hammer on Adam's head.  Adam
        staggers backward, unhurt but shocked.  All three stop.
        Something unreal about the corpse, almost mechanical.
        Then the corpse, grinning insanely at them, flies straight
        up into the air over their heads.  He crashes against the
        tombstone...

        And Adam and Barbara see the corpse is only a huge mari-
        onette on a string and pole.  A LAUGH comes from behind
        the gravestone.

        And out steps the puppeteer, Betelgeuse.  He is small and
        wiry, with vaguely middle-eastern features.  This is one
        slippery customer.  Betelgeuse speaks in a rapid polyglot,
        choosing words and phrases from every slang in the
        world.  Barbara is mighty uneasy.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  All right.  Who are you?

                                BARBARA
                  We're...

                                BETELGEUSE
                  You're the dead.

                                ADAM
                  Aren't you dead?

                                BETELGEUSE
                  Hell no!  I'm rolling.  I'm a
                  businessman.  I'm the man what am.
                  Beeetel Jooose!  Who do I gotta
                  kill?

                                ADAM
                  You don't kill anyone.

                                BARBARA
                  Just get some people out of our
                  house.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  Bio-busting.  I loves bio-busting.
                  Who do I gotta kill?  Family --
                  right?  Obnoxious I bet.
                         (contorting face)
                  Mommie, daddy, piglets.

                                BARBARA
                  Just one daughter.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  Hey you've been on Saturn!
                         (brushing yellow
                          dust off her)
                  I hate those sandworms!  Yecchhh!
                  I've lost a lot of buddies to
                  sandworms.
                         (back to work)
                  So a daughter?  She got good legs?
                  God I love a young leg.

        Air blows up Barbara's dress, exposing her legs.  He
        leers.

                                BARBARA
                  She's only fourteen...

                                ADAM
                  ... acts like she's thirty-five.

                                BETELGEUSE
                         (rubbing hands)
                  How does she feel about short old
                  men with dirty ears?

        Barbara is grossed out and increasingly uneasy.  Beetle
        Juice senses it and gets back to business.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  So you, the dead, want me, the
                  undead, to throw the live guys --
                  Mommie, Daddy and Lolita, who
                  might not mind a tumble with an
                  older guy, out into the cold?
                  Even though they have paid hard
                  casharoonie for your dump?

                                ADAM
                  But... the Deetzes are destroying
                  our house.

                                BETELGEUSE
                         (scolding sarcasm)
                  You Maitlands are the backbone of
                  the afterlife.  So what's my cut?

                                ADAM
                  Can you scare them off?

        Beetle Juice looks offended.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  Me scary?  You betcha bootie!

        He swirls his face and shoulders into a horrifying image.
        Pleased, he laughs at himself.

                                BARBARA
                         (decisively)
                  Honey.  Let's go.

                                ADAM
                  Go?  What d'ya mean?  We need
                  help.

                                BARBARA
                  No, we don't.  We can work
                  something out ourselves.  We just
                  have to try harder.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  Hold on.  Let's not be squeamish,
                  missy.  You rang my bell, you
                  gotta lick the pump.  I'm rolling!

        Barbara grabs Adam.  Betelgeuse is getting mad.  He
        changes colors a couple times.  Not pretty.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  Folks, be reasonable here.  I'm at
                  your service.  You be the judge.
                  I'm a harmless guy.  Try me.

                                BARBARA
                  Home.  Home.  Home!

        Zap.  They are gone.  Betelgeuse is furious.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  You fresh corpse creeps!  Who do
                  you think you are? ... Walking
                  away from a professional?

        He walks to a tree and kicks it hard.  The whole huge
        tree falls, KABLOOM!


        INT. ATTIC - DAY

        A small tree falls in the model.  Adam, across the room,
        walks over and straightens it.  Peers down at graves.
        All are covered and straight.  He looks at Barbara who is
        poring over the handbook.  Making notes.  Counting out
        procedures.

                                ADAM
                  Honey, I think that was a mistake.

                                BARBARA
                  I am not going to expose that
                  little girl to that... pervert
                  down there.

                                ADAM
                  But we let him out.

                                BARBARA
                  I don't care, I've changed my
                  mind.  ... I feel really
                  confident.  We're getting better
                  at this stuff.  We can scare them
                  off ourselves -- tonight!  I've
                  got an idea.  You're going to
                  love it... I'm going to hate it.

        Adam turns to look down at the model again.  Straightens
        the tree.  Turns away.  We can see a tiny light moving
        through the tiny model forest towards the house.

                                ADAM (V.O.)
                  Okay.  But that Betelgeuse sure
                  seemed mad.

                                BETELGEUSE (V.O.)
                         (singing)
                  Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I
                  go!


        INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

        Dinner for seven, as promised.  Everything looks very
        nice.  Deetzes are in control and in their element; The
        element is neurotic-chic.

        Some of the guests are affecting distaste for having had
        to make the long drive to Connecticut.  There's a bitchy
        feud going on between GRACE, the Art In America writer,
        and BERNARD, Delia's agent, that threatens to become a
        full-scale war.

        Otho is drunkish and engaged in his third favorite occupation
        -- direct attacks on the personal weaknesses of
        his friends.

        He's singled out his victim, BERYL, the editor for
        Ballantine, a frail-looking woman who is dressed
        "artistically."

                                OTHO
                         (to Beryl)
                  Well, darling, you can only have
                  a hysterectomy once, so why don't
                  you tell us what you really went
                  into the hospital for last week?
                  Or dare I ask, is that a nose
                  'nouveau' ?

        Beryl stands to get a drink.

                                CHARLES
                         (privately to Otho)
                  Otho, you've got to help me get
                  Maxie Dean up here.  I have a
                  deal that could make all of us
                  very comfortable.

                                OTHO
                  He's a cloven-hooved beast!

                                CHARLES
                  He's your cousin.

                                OTHO
                  I am ashamed to say he is.  Look,
                  nothing short of giving away free
                  sacks of money would get him up
                  here, Charles.  And Sarah?  Forget
                  it.  You can't get her out of
                  Bergdorf's with plastic
                  explosives.

                                DELIA
                  Let's sit down, everyone.

        They do.  Beryl returns.  Otho smells blood.

                                OTHO
                         (still on Beryl's
                          case)
                  I just hope it wasn't yet another
                  of your dreary suicide attempts.
                  You know what they say about
                  people who commit suicide.  In the
                  afterlife, they become civil
                  servants.

                                BERNARD
                  Otho!  I didn't know you were into
                  the supernatural?

                                OTHO
                  Of course you remember!  After my
                  stint with the living theatre.  I
                  was one of New York City's leading
                  paranormal researchers until the
                  bottom dropped out of the business
                  in '72.

                                BERYL
                         (sick to death of
                          this blowhard)
                  Paranormal... Is that what they're
                  calling your kind now?

        Lydia watches Otho thoughtfully.  Suddenly very curious.

        Delia senses that Lydia might talk ghosts here.

                                DELIA
                         (a threat; quietly
                          to Lydia)
                  Don't you dare.

                                LYDIA
                  I saw some ghosts.

        All quiet.

                                DELIA
                         (interrupting)
                  Lydia tried to play a most amusing
                  joke on me this afternoon.

                                LYDIA
                  It wasn't a joke.

                                DELIA
                  Tried to convince me that this
                  house is haunted.  Kids.  Kids.
                  Kids!  I love them.

        Otho's glance sharpens at this.  Everyone listens.

                                GRACE
                  By ghosts?

                                LYDIA
                  By what else?

                                DELIA
                         (laughing it away)
                  In sheets yet.  Designer sheets.
                  They --

        Charles, seeing things aren't going well for Delia, proposes
        a toast.

                                CHARLES
                  I propose a toast to our intrepid
                  friends who braved the expressway
                  and fourteen toll booths to visit
                  us.  May your buildings go condo.

        All lift their wineglasses.  All drink.  All synchro-
        nously spit out their wine.  All together now...

                                EVERYONE
                  Yechhh!

        Charles lifts the wine bottle from the cooler.  Disgust
        spans the room.


        ON BOTTLE

        It bears the familiar spread wings of Thunderbird!


        BACK TO SCENE

                                BERYL
                  Thunderbird wine?  My God, Delia,
                  don't you even have a Safeway up
                  here?

                                DELIA
                         (horrified, but
                          recovering)
                  Joke, Joke!  Charles get the good
                  wine and I'll serve the sushi!
                  It's a joke.

        Delia stares a spike through Lydia.  Delia and Charles
        rush into the kitchen.  Otho looks at his glass and peers
        at Lydia.


        INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

        Delia rushes to get the sushi.  Charles finds some good
        wine.

                                DELIA
                         (rapidly; furious)
                  Lydia switched wines.  Charles --
                  if you do not agree right now, to
                  boarding her out, right now, you can
                  forget having what you call sex --
                  ever again in your natural
                  lifetime.

        He nods reluctantly.  She rushes back to guests.


        INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

        Lydia is looking around curiously.  Delia and Charles
        rush back in with sushi and good wine.  Delia pours for
        Bernard, the obvious connoisseur.  He tastes the wine.
        All wait.  Is it Kerosene du Pape?  He smiles.  All smile.
        Beryl tastes her sushi and smiles.

                                BERYL
                  I'm famished!

                                DELIA
                  Isn't that a great grape?  So
                  melodic, exotic,...

        Otho is more interested in Lydia's story.  He leans
        toward her...

                                OTHO
                  Now, Lydia... Favor us about your
                  ghosts.

                                DELIA
                  No!  Do not encourage this
                  little... person.

                                OTHO
                  Oh, Delia, lighten up!

                                DELIA
                  She's been without therapy up
                  here and I will not allow her to
                  ruin...

        But then... something comes over Delia -- She straightens,
        then crouches a little, her hand sweeps across in front
        of her, almost mechanically.  And then our Delia Deetz,
        unable to help herself, leaves the white bread world behind
        and possessed, sings in someone else's voice, a rich, NEGRO
        TENOR.

                                DELIA
                  'If I didn't care, More than
                  words could say,'

        Lydia's eyes widen.  MUSIC UP.  All the guests are spell-
        bound.

        Charles, too, has the beat -- The Ink Spots in his eyes,
        In a voice not his own.

                                CHARLES
                  'If my every prayer, did not
                  begin and end with just your
                  name.'

        Delia is shocked.  She looks at Lydia.

                                DELIA
                  For God's sake stop me...

        She is cut short by her powerful inspiration.

                                DELIA
                  'I could not be true to you
                  beyond compare.'

        Suddenly all the guests, except Lydia, are possessed to
        become the chorus.  They stand by their chairs, they spin
        in perfect Motown choreography.

                                EVERYONE
                         (except Lydia)
                  'Shoo doo wop.  Shoo doo wop.'

                                DELIA
                  'If I didn't care... for you...'

                                EVERYONE
                  'Shoo doo wop.  Shoo doo wop,'

        A look of sheer delight comes across Lydia's face, unlike
        anything we have previously seen.  She dances and claps
        her hands in time with the music.  She is in teen heaven.

        NOTE:  Delia and the guests are fully aware of their
        singing/actions, but helpless to stop themselves.  While
        it is funny, it is nevertheless just a little frighten-
        ing.  Lydia excitedly looks around the room to see if she
        can see the ghosts.  She can't.

        Now the song pauses... Everyone tries to recover for a
        shocked second.  Instead, the tempo changes.  As the
        tempo quickens, the guest/chorus is syncopated like al-
        ternating pistons as they are pushed and pulled into
        their chairs.  They sing throughout.

        Lydia loves it.  Suddenly, caught up in the moment, she
        rushes to the table and in one swoop, pulls the tablecloth
        from under all the plates, revealing the clear glass
        top.  She is then swept back away from the table.  She
        giggles with delight at her trick.

                                LYDIA
                  Wheeeee!

        The song crashes to its end.  Bernard looks down at his
        sushi.  The shrimp draped over the rice roll suddenly
        rears up like a hand and, making a tiny fist, grabs his
        dangling tie and... smash --

        All the guests are punched by sushi, back over their
        chairs to the ground.  They are stunned.  Suddenly, every-
        one runs frightened into the next room.


        OUTSIDE ATTIC ROOM - NIGHT

        Adam and Barbara, with huge smiles on their faces, dance
        the bugaloo then hug and kiss on the landing in front of
        the attic.  Door is open.

                                TOGETHER
                  We did it!

                                ADAM
                  Let's watch 'em scatter.


        INT. ATTIC

        They enter the attic and run to the window.  Look out
        over the front yard.


        THEIR POV - YARD

        filled with the cars of the guests, as well as Delia and
        Charles' vehicles.

                                ADAM (O.S.)
                  Any minute now.  They'll all run
                  screaming.


        BACK TO SCENE

        They wait.  Nothing moving outside.

                                BARBARA
                  Your Ink Spots were wonderful!

        Adam smiles proudly.

                                ADAM
                  And your sushi was remarkable.

                                BARBARA
                  The sushi?  I did the wine.
                  Didn't you do the sushi?

                                ADAM
                  N... No,  I just did the Ink
                  Spots.

                                BARBARA (V.O.)
                  Who did the sushi?

        Timid KNOCK at the door of the attic.

        Barbara glances at Adam.  They don't know what to do.

                                LYDIA (O.S.)
                  It's me.  Lydia.

        Adam, puzzled, goes to the door and opens it.  Lydia is
        standing there, sheepish.

                                LYDIA
                  They'd like for you to come
                  downstairs.  Delia says you can
                  pick any sheets you want.


        INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

        The guests are sitting expectantly.  The photographs
        are being passed around.  Otho thinks that this is the
        choicest thing that ever happened to a family.  The
        wheels are turning in Charles' mind -- he sees a gold-
        mine.  Everyone speaks at once.

                                DELIA
                  It does indicate a marvelously
                  urbane sense of humor on the part
                  of these ghosts -- that they
                  actually appear in sheets!

                                OTHO
                  We're dealing with Tracy and
                  Hepburn here, a very sophisticated
                  pair.  We must protect them,
                  treat them with respect, nurture
                  them.

                                CHARLES
                  People will pay big money for
                  this.  Right, Grace?

                                GRACE
                         (nodding)
                  Charles, I want to know why you
                  didn't tell me about this --

                                DELIA
                         (now changing her
                          tune)
                  We were waiting for proof.
                  Lydia's photographs...

        Charles is scheming.

                                BERNARD
                         (skeptical)
                  What are you all talking about?
                  We... we just got a little drunk,
                  that's all.

                                OTHO
                  No matter how drunk you get, you
                  cannot sound like the Ink Spots.
                         (to Charles)
                  Charles, this is it!  You can get
                  Maxie Dean up here now.

        Charles plots and plans.

                                OTHO
                  His wife Sarah loves the
                  supernatural.  I did a reading
                  for her just last week.  Told
                  her her jowls would tighten
                  soon.  I mean she will make him
                  sprint up here in his helicopter
                  if you can produce ghosts for her.

                                BERYL
                  The Enquirer has offered fifty
                  thousand dollars for absolute
                  proof of life after death.  I'll
                  send them over.

                                BERNARD
                  I'm Delia's agent!  I've lost
                  money for years on her work.  If
                  anything actually happened here
                  I'll handle it, thank you.  But
                  not until I see some real proof.

        Lydia appears at the base of the stairs.  Everyone stops
        squabbling, looks at her expectantly.

                                LYDIA
                  They don't want to come down.

                                OTHO
                  Why not?

        Bernard shakes his head as if all this were an elaborate
        hoax.  He harumphs!

                                LYDIA
                  I think the reason is they were
                  trying to scare you, and you
                  didn't get scared --

                                DELIA
                  Of course we weren't scared.
                         (looking around)
                  Just a little startled.  One of
                  those sushi dropped down my
                  Kamali.

        Bernard is now convinced this whole business was a put-on.

                                BERNARD
                         (shaking his head)
                  Total collective hallucination.

                                BERYL
                  I was a little tipsy.

                                DELIA
                  This was not a hallucination,
                  people.  This was real, really
                  totally real.

                                GRACE
                  Of course, they were rather
                  spectacular effects -- for
                  Connecticut, I mean.

                                OTHO
                  All presences have a home space.
                  A place where they live, so to
                  speak.  Where do they hide out?

                                LYDIA
                         (reluctantly)
                  The attic.

                                CHARLES
                  The attic room is locked --

                                LYDIA
                  They're ghosts.  They do what
                  they want.

                                OTHO
                  Fabulous!  Otho Fenlock's 'locked
                  door' ghosts!  Probably committed
                  suicide up there -- hanging like
                  beeves from the rafters.  I'm
                  totally enchanted.

        Bernard gathers Grace and Beryl and walks out the door.

                                BERNARD
                  Delia, you are a flake.  You have
                  always been a flake.  I'm packing
                  up and going back to the tricks
                  of the city.  That I can manage.
                  If you must frighten people, do it
                  with your sculpture.

        They exit.  Delia is horrified and embarrassed.

                                DELIA
                  Wait!  I'm going to get to the
                  bottom of this!  Lydia, is this
                  some high-tech trick of yours?
                  I want you to take us up there,
                  tout sweet!


        INT. LANDING OUTSIDE ATTIC

        Delia, Charles, Otho and Lydia creep, creep.

                                DELIA
                         (whispering)
                  Shhh.  They're in there?  God,
                  they live like animals.  This
                  is where they've been hiding out?

        Lydia nods.  Delia suddenly, brashly pounds on the door.

                                DELIA
                         (shouting)
                  All right, you dead people!  Come
                  on out, or we'll break down this
                  door and drag you out on the ropes
                  you hanged yourself with!

                                LYDIA
                  Shhhh.  They didn't commit
                  suicide.

                                DELIA
                  It doesn't matter.  What matters
                  is I've got a roomful of guests
                  down there, who think I'm a fraud.
                         (to Lydia)
                  I am going to teach you something
                  here Lydia.  You've got to take
                  the right tone in things like this,
                  or people -- whether they're dead
                  or alive -- people will walk all
                  over you.
                         (loud)
                  Come on out, or I will make death
                  so miserable that you will wish
                  you had never lived!

        Delia pounds on door, which opens with an eerie CREAK.


        INT. ATTIC - DAY

        Lydia is pushed in first.  She looks around.  Delia,
        Charles and Otho come in next, carefully.  One by one
        they straighten up and look around.

                                DELIA
                         (whisper)
                  So where are they, Lydia?

        Lydia shrugs, looks around.

                                CHARLES
                         (offhandedly)
                  Answer your mother.

                                LYDIA
                  Listen, you guys.  These ghosts are
                  really nice people.  I think we
                  scared them off.  Let's just leave
                  them alone.  Okay?

        Charles is suddenly transfixed.  He stares at the model.

                                CHARLES
                  It's the whole damn town.

        They gather around.  Lydia is a little sad as she looks at
        the empty room and the model.

                                OTHO
                  Look at that detail!

                                DELIA
                  Look at the tiny figures.

                                CHARLES
                  Look at all that parking!

                                LYDIA
                  Come on.  Leave their stuff alone.

                                OTHO
                  They're not here, Lydia?

        She shakes her head.  Otho spots the handbook.  Palms it.

                                DELIA
                  I have never been so
                  embarrassed... They haven't
                  gone for good, have they?

        Delia is suddenly out the door, urging them all outside.

                                DELIA
                  Everyone out of there.  If
                  they're in there somewhere, I
                  don't want to scare them away.
                  Come on now, stay out of there.
                  We've got work to do.

        Otho pockets the handbook secretly as everyone exits.
        Delia carefully closes the door.

        CAMERA EASES OVER TO the window we see two pairs of
        hands, white-knuckled, gripping the window sill from the
        outside.


        EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT

        Barbara and Adam are hanging outside the window.  CAMERA
        EASES BACK to see that instead of hanging from the house.
        They are hanging from a ledge over the inferno.


        ON INFERNO

        Circles of rosy hell.  Several devilish monsters slaver
        up at them, hoping for new meat for the furnace.  Small
        geysers spurt foul gases.

        WINDS BLOW hard; rain beats on Adam and Barbara.  They
        struggle to hold on and pull themselves back up and into
        the window.

                                ADAM
                  Juno, help!  Juno!

        After nearly falling, Adam barely saves Barbara and they
        finally make it up, and disappear into the window.


        INT. ATTIC LANDING - NIGHT

        Delia, Charles and Otho all start down the stairs, one by
        one.  All are holding the hand rail.

                                DELIA
                  Lydia, I will never forgive you
                  for embarrassing me in front of
                  my social inferiors.  You help us
                  with these ghosts or you'll be
                  sorry.

                                LYDIA
                  I'm sorry already.

                                CHARLES
                         (fixing on Otho)
                  Now, let's get back to business.
                  I want to get Maxie Dean and
                  Sarah up here immediately.  I can
                  make history here!  I'm going to
                  turn this sleepy little backward
                  town into a leading supernatural
                  research center... and amusement
                  park.

                                LYDIA
                         (disgusted)
                  I cannot believe this.

                                CHARLES
                  Delia will cook...

        Delia glares at him.

                                CHARLES
                  I'll bring the wine... and the
                  business plan.  And Lydia
                  you'll bring the ghosts.

                                LYDIA
                         (frustrated)
                  I can't bring the ghosts.  They're
                  not here!

                                CHARLES
                  Otho, could you actually... do
                  something with them?

                                OTHO
                         (pats handbook
                          under his coat)
                  Perhaps if I were properly
                  motivated.

                                LYDIA
                  That's slavery and murder.  You
                  don't know these people.  They're
                  just like you and me.  They're
                  nice people!


        THEIR POV

        Down the handrail, as they walk downstairs.  Lydia lags
        behind, sullen.

        The lower end of the handrail lifts, and turns.  The
        handrail has become a long, fat, diamond-backed SNAKE
        -- unlike any we have ever seen.  It flashes terrifying
        teeth and a red-feathered comb.  It turns and HISSES at
        them.


        ON CHARLES

        He stops, hand still on rail, and stares.


        ON OTHO

        He looks at Charles.  Then at snake.


        ON CHARLES

        Fear begins to sink in.  He backs up.


        ON DELIA

        She screams as she looks down at her hand on the rail
        -- It grips the scaly, throbbing, dripping body of the
        snake.


        BACK TO SCENE

        The snake just gets longer and nastier as it turns back in
        the air, up the stairs toward them.  Its tail circles
        Delia and spins her like a top.  When she stops -- the
        snake gives her a big wet snake kiss.

        Snake snaps Otho in the behind.  It hurts.

        The three of them fall over each other trying to escape.

        The SNAKE rears up and spreads a red comb and HISSES
        LOUDLY.

        All three of them turn their backs and huddle on the
        stairs.

        The snake hovers horribly over them; grabs Charles in its
        coils and squeezes him hard -- his fearful face reddens,
        then it suspends Charles over the edge of the stairs.

                                SNAKE
                  We've come for your daughter,
                  Chuck!

        He leers at Lydia and drops Charles, like a rock, over
        the bannister.  Charles screams.

        The Snake grins at a terrified Lydia,

        Snake rears back for a strike, when suddenly, like
        thunder, one word is heard.

                                BARBARA (O.S.)
                  Betelgeuse!  Betelgeuse!  Betelgeuse!

        The snake looks up with familiar eyes.  At top of stairs
        stands an angry Barbara.

        What happens next is almost too fast for the eye to see.

        The snake shrinks and turns back into the regular mahogany
        handrail.

        Betelgeuse, or his outline, whips up the stairs, through
        the door, and is gone like a rocket.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  Rrratt shit!

        Otho and Delia rush downstairs -- Lydia is terrified.
        She runs away.

                                LYDIA
                  I hate you!  I can't trust
                  anybody!

                                BARBARA
                  No, wait!

        Lydia screams and runs down the stairs.

                                LYDIA
                         (screams)
                  I hate all of you!

        Slowly, Barbara returns to the attic.


        INT. ATTIC - NIGHT

        Adam and Barbara are wet and exhausted.  Agitated.

                                ADAM
                  Great choice we've got here.  We
                  get to spend the next century
                  either hanging out that window
                  or doing parlor tricks.

        Adam is working with the model town.  Barbara is pacing.

                                ADAM
                  Maybe they'll leave now.  That
                  snake was a pretty nasty customer.

                                BARBARA
                  He might have hurt somebody.

                                ADAM
                  But he didn't.  We've got him
                  where we want him.


        ON MODEL

        A column of water shoots high in the air.

        Adam rushes over to the model -- looks down.


        INT. MODEL - DAY

        Betelgeuse has run a beat-up old pickup into a fire
        hydrant.  He stands nearby, hopping mad; shakes his
        fist at Adam.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  You pansy-assed cretins!  How dare
                  you do that to me.  I had 'em
                  running; coulda finished the job!

        Adam's huge thumb comes down and stops the hydrant.
        Betelgeuse steps defiantly up to it.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  Come on, try to touch me, you
                  lousy do-gooder.

        Adam withdraws his thumb.  Betelgeuse gets on a Harley
        chopper MOTORCYCLE.  VARROOOM!


         INT. ATTIC

        Barbara and Adam, obviously disturbed, look at one another
        with concern.

                                BETELGEUSE (V.O.)
                         (thin and pip-
                          ing voice)
                  Why did you stop me?

        VRROOOM!  VRROOOOM!

        Barbara joins Adam and looks down.


        ON MODEL TOWN

        Betelgeuse is ROARING down the street on the BIKE.
        Barbara and Adam are titans in the sky.  He wheelies.

                                BARBARA
                  I don't like Charles Deetz
                  particularly, but you could have
                  killed him.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  Hey, I've been in a frigging
                  bottle for six hundred years.  I
                  was out.  Every dog has his day.
                  This is my town.  I need a night
                  to howl.

                                ADAM
                  This is my town.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  You wish!  I nearly scored with
                  that little blonde.  I need me
                  a short little queen.


        ON BARBARA

        Angry, Barbara reaches down into the model and plucks
        Betelgeuse up with the Harley.  Harley spins and winds
        up!

        Barbara lifts him up toward her, squeezing him slightly.

                                BARBARA
                  You leave her alone, you horrid
                  little prick!


        CLOSEUP - BETELGEUSE IN BARBARA'S HAND

        Betelgeuse grins.  Suddenly large spikes shoot out all
        over his body, piercing the skin of Barbara's palm and
        fingers.  Barbara's blood is a rich pink.

        She squeals and releases the evil spirit and he plummets.


        EXT. MODEL - DAY

        Betelgeuse parachutes to a soft landing on the town com-
        mon.  The Harley smashes to the ground heavily, sinking
        in over its tires.  Betelgeuse is defiant.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  Go ahead.  Make my millenium!

        We hear the tinny strains of "HONKY TONK ANGEL," as if
        from down the street.  He turns around to follow it.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  This burg got a cathouse?  I'm
                  getting anxious, if you know what
                  I mean.  Six hundred years and
                  all.

        He turns the corner to a whorehouse, with women -- women
        with demon horns -- hanging out of the windows, beckoning.
        Betelgeuse rubs his hands together and swaggers inside.


        INT. ATTIC - DAY

        Barbara aghast, watching this from above.

                                BARBARA
                  Adam!  Why did you build a
                  whorehouse?  Have you ever been
                  to...?

                                ADAM
                  I didn't --

        He doesn't finish -- a strong WIND BLOWS through the attic,
        nearly knocking Barbara and Adam over.  They close
        their eyes against the gale.

        When they open their eyes again, they're no longer in
        the attic.  They're in --


        INT. JUNO'S OUTER OFFICE - DAY

        A cubicle in a much larger office.  Miss Argentina
        swishes by.

                                RECEPTIONIST
                  God, you have got her steaming
                  now.

        She exits.  There are other special workers.  The place is
        really, really busy.  Adam and Barbara sit down to wait.
        Juno storms through with a sheaf of papers.  She sees
        them.  She is steaming mad.

                                JUNO
                  The whorehouse was my idea.
                  I want Betelgeuse out of the
                  picture!  We've got some serious
                  talking to do.

                                BARBARA
                  About what?

                                JUNO
                  You people have really screwed
                  up!  I received word that you
                  allowed yourselves to be
                  photographed.  And you let
                  Betelgeuse out and didn't put
                  him back, and you let Otho get
                  ahold of the handbook.

                                ADAM
                  Handbook?  When...?

                                JUNO
                         (continuing tirade)
                  Never trust the living!  We cannot
                  have a routine haunting like yours
                  provide incontrovertible visual
                  proof of existence beyond death.

                                ADAM
                  Well, we didn't know --

        A bunch of FOOTBALL PLAYERS follow Juno like hungry dogs.

                                DUMB #1 (FOOTBALL PLAYER)
                  Hey, Coach, where's the men's
                  room?

                                JUNO
                         (frustrated)
                  I'm not your coach.  He survived.

                                DUMB #2 (FOOTBALL PLAYER)
                  You don't need a men's room.
                  You're not no man no more.  But
                  Coach, let me get this -- What's
                  our curfew over here?

        They start squabbling.  Juno has to wrangle them into
        another room.

                                JUNO
                         (frustrated)
                  I'll be right back.


        INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY

        Charles sits on small hospital bed.  Delia takes off her
        Gucci belt and whips it on a chair absentmindedly.

                                DELIA
                  I feel like we've been at war,
                  Charles.

                                CHARLES
                  At least insofar as we have our
                  first casualty.  Me.

                                DELIA
                  Otho'll know what to do.

                                CHARLES
                  What's he going to do?  Viciously
                  rearrange their environment?

                                DELIA
                  Otho knows as much about the
                  supernatural as he knows about
                  interior decoration.

                                CHARLES
                  Let's hope he knows how to
                  produce those damn ghosts for
                  Max and Sarah... Because I've
                  bought options on property all
                  over town.  I need Max's
                  financing...

                                DELIA
                  Just don't tell Lydia.

                                CHARLES
                  Why not?

                                DELIA
                  I think she's in with them.

                                                   DISSOLVE TO:


        INT. LYDIA'S BEDROOM - DAY

        It's dark.  The bedroom curtains have been closed.
        Dramatic OPERA MUSIC builds throughout.

        Lydia melodramatically dressed in a long black dress
        appears carrying a candle.  She is softly crying.

        She sits at her dressing table, the candlelight shows
        her writing paper.  She begins a very dramatic letter.

                                LYDIA
                  I am alone.

        She looks at it and crumpling the paper, starts again.

                                LYDIA (V.O.)
                  I am utterly... alone.  You have
                  sealed my fate with your betrayal.
                  I can no longer stand to be used
                  like a puppet between two deceitful
                  worlds.  By the time you read this
                  I will be gone, having jumped off...

        She scratches that out.

                                LYDIA
                  ... having plumeted off the Winter
                  River Bridge.  Then you will know
                  that I am no longer a toy in your
                  petty feuds.  Goodbye, Lydia.

        A tear falls on the paper as she folds it and puts it in
        an envelope.  OPERA MUSIC BUILDS AND CONTINUES.


        INT. CHARLES' OFFICE - DAY

        Lydia slowly makes a copy of the suicide note.  The green
        of the Xerox light falls eerily on her sad face.


        INT. HALLWAY - DAY

        Lydia at bottom of attic stairs.


        LYDIA'S POV

        Stairs and door at top.  They look ominous.  She starts
        upward.


        INT. ATTIC ROOM

        The door opens and Lydia peers in.

        The room is empty.  Lydia comes inside.

                                LYDIA
                  Are you here?

        She hears something.  Looks all around the room.
        Nothing.

                                LYDIA
                  Mr. and Mrs. Maitland?  I've come
                  for the last time.
                         (laying note on
                          table)
                  Where are you?  Barb...

                                BETELGEUSE (V.O.)
                  They're dead.

        Lydia looks around, then peers into model.

                                BETELGEUSE (V.O.)
                  Think small.  I'm talking to you.


        EXT. MODEL TOWN - BUILDING ROOF - DAY

        A tiny Betelgeuse on the roof of a building, wearing a
        silk dressing gown, looking like he just dragged himself
        out of bed.  One of the horned whores is nude sunbathing
        in the corner, and Betelgeuse drapes a blanket over her.
        Lydia's face looms enormous in the sky.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  Cookie, they are dead, dead,
                  deadski.

                                LYDIA
                  Of course they're dead.  They're
                  ghosts.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  No, I mean they've gone.
                  Decamped.  Split.  Vanished.

                                LYDIA
                  Where'd they go?

                                BETELGEUSE
                  The happy hunting ground.  Who
                  cares?

                                LYDIA
                  Are you a spirit too?

                                BETELGEUSE
                  Sort of.  High spirit.  Heh heh.
                  Listen, cookie, I've been trapped
                  in this burg for hundreds of
                  years.  All I want is to get out.

                                LYDIA
                  I want to get in.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  You do?  Over here?  On my side?

                                LYDIA
                  I think so.

                                BETELGEUSE
                         (scheming quickly)
                  Well, yes, of course.  It's great
                  over here.  You'll meet all the
                  greats.  James Dean.  Buddy Holly.
                         (singing)
                  'The little things a you say and
                  do... make me want to be with
                  you-a-hoo.'

                                LYDIA
                  Well, it can't be any worse than
                  my life here.

                                BETELGEUSE
                         (sinister; encour-
                          aging her)
                  That's right.  They treat you like
                  scum I bet?

                                LYDIA
                  Yeah.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  I can't help you from this side,
                  but here's how we do it.  So
                  simple.  Say my name three times.
                  That's all.  I'll be all yours.
                  Then I'll bring you over here in
                  style.

                                LYDIA
                  I... I don't know what your name
                  is.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  Minor problem.  The rules.  I
                  can't tell it to you.  But... do
                  you know how to play charades?

                                LYDIA
                  Yes.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  Of course you do.

        He holds up two fingers in a V.

                                LYDIA
                  Two words.

        Betelgeuse holds up one finger.

                                LYDIA
                  First word.

        Betelgeuse puts two fingers on his arm.

                                LYDIA
                  Three syllables.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  No, dummy.  Two.

                                LYDIA
                  Your fingers are so small I can't
                  see them.  First word -- two
                  syllables.

        He points behind her.

                                LYDIA
                  I don't know what that signal
                  means.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  It means look behind you, bimbo.

        Lydia looks behind her.  A green beetle the size of a
        Volkswagen is crouching.  Its feathery antennae reach out
        toward her menacingly.  Lydia yelps.

                                LYDIA
                  Beetle!

                                BETELGEUSE
                  Good girrrl!

        POP!  The beetle disappears.  Betelgeuse holds up two
        fingers.

                                LYDIA
                         (still shaken)
                  Second word.  Be careful.

        Apprehensive, she jumps when a simple carton of orange
        juice materializes.  Orange juice pours out into a ghostly
        glass.

                                LYDIA
                  Breakfast?  Orange?

        The orange juice disappears.  He shakes his head.

                                LYDIA
                  Breakfast beetle?  Beetle?  Beetle
                  fruit?  Fruit bat?  Fruit battle?
                  Volkswagen?  Fruit wagon?

                                BETELGEUSE
                  Good thing you are beautiful, kid.
                  You are dumb!

        Betelgeuse does the signal for "now put them together."

                                LYDIA
                  I am not!  Beetle... Juice?

                                BETELGEUSE
                         (jumping with
                          delight)
                  That's it!

                                LYDIA
                  Your name is Beetle Juice?  Yecch!
                  That's as bad as Deeelia Deeetz.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  It's spelled different, but
                  basically... Now you said it
                  twice; just one more time, and
                  I'll be free.
                         (sinister)
                  And then you'll be free.

        Lydia, puzzled, gets the magnifying glass and peers at
        him.


        ON HIS UGLY FACE

        Big in the glass -- Betelgeuse jumps in the air, his robe
        parts -- we don't see anything but maybe Lydia does.

                                LYDIA
                  God, you're anatomically correct!

                                BETELGEUSE
                  Just say it.

                                LYDIA
                         (recognizing some-
                          thing about him)
                  You were the snake!  Right?  I
                  know.  I saw you.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  You've got to say it!

                                LYDIA
                  No I don't.  I don't take orders
                  from smurfs.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  How'd you like to have the biggest
                  boobs in the world?  Right now.  I
                  can do it if I get out.

                                LYDIA
                  They'd look silly on me.  I'm
                  fourteen years old!

                                BETELGEUSE
                  How'd you like to be married to...
                  the King...?

        Lydia doesn't get it.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  ... Elvis?...
                         (boasting)
                  You know, ever since he came
                  over he and I have been just like
                  this.
                         (crosses his
                          fingers)
                  I can arrange it.  Just say my
                  name one more time.

        She thinks about that one.  Shakes her head.

                                LYDIA
                  No, No... I need to talk to
                  Barbara.

        Betelgeuse smiles.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  Well, cookie, just say my name.
                  I can get her.
                         (rubbing his horny
                          little hands together)
                  That and so much more...

        Lydia walks around thinking for a moment.

                                LYDIA
                  Who else did you say is over
                  there?


        INT. JUNO'S OFFICE - DAY

        Juno staring at them, hard.

                                JUNO
                  Yes... or no?  Do you want the
                  Deetzes out or in?

                                ADAM
                  Out.

                                BARBARA
                  What about Betelgeuse?

                                JUNO
                  Forget him.  He'll remain with
                  his whores until someone calls
                  him.  You need to worry about
                  people like Otho.  There are a lot
                  of phony trance mediums.  They
                  usually can't make the formulas
                  work, but if Otho stumbles on the
                  right words in that handbook...
                  he could hurt you.  As in --
                  exorcism.

        They both look puzzled.

                                JUNO
                  In plain English -- that's death
                  for the dead.  So keep going,
                  over the top!  And you'll have it
                  done.  It's better for everyone.
                  It's not pretty but -- that's
                  death!  So, finish the job.

        Adam stands to go.

                                JUNO
                  Wait a minute.  Let's see what
                  you're going to do...

        They look at Juno.

                                JUNO
                  ... to scare her.  I want to make
                  sure it's not some silly parlor
                  trick.

        Barbara looks at Adam.

                                ADAM
                  I'll do the hard part, hon.

        Adam reluctantly pulls on his face, and contorts it into
        a living, breathing, horror.  Juno is even a little
        repulsed.

                                JUNO
                  Not bad.  Not bad.  Now you?  Go
                  ahead.

        She reluctantly does with her face a minor version of
        Adam's horror.

                                JUNO
                  Okay.  You look great!  Now go
                  clean house.  And don't forget
                  the photographs and the damned
                  handbook.

        Barbara and Adam slowly stand and walk out the door.
        Barbara/monster looks back pleadingly.  Football players
        flood into Juno's office.  One PARTICULARLY DUMB PLAYER
        has had a revelation.  (He's pretty grisly, maybe sat too
        close to the engine.)

                                PARTICULARLY DUMB PLAYER
                  Coach!  Coach, I don't think we
                  survived the crash!

        Barbara and Adam look at each other and continue out the
        door.


        OUTSIDE JUNO'S OFFICE

        They enter a long dark hallway.  They suddenly find them-
        selves standing in front of Lydia's room.  Adam/monster
        looks at Barbara/monster as he grabs the doorknob.  She
        stops him.  Tears fall down her sad ghostly face.

                                BARBARA/MONSTER
                  Adam.  I can't do it.  I like that
                  little girl.

                                ADAM/MONSTER
                  It's too late.  Sometimes things
                  just work out this way.  We have
                  to, honey.

                                BARBARA/MONSTER
                  No we don't.  We can rebel or
                  something.  We'll just stay up
                  there in our room.  I'll read,
                  you can build on the model.  Come
                  on.

        She rushes up the stairs, toward the attic.  He follows
        her.

                                ADAM/MONSTER
                  Wait.  We can't, honey.  Our
                  house...

        She gets to the door.  Grabs the handle.

                                BARBARA
                  I want to be with Lydia!

        She throws open the door.


        INT. ATTIC - DAY

        Lydia is standing over the model, about to say
        Betelgeuse's name.

                                LYDIA
                  Okay.  Beetle... J...

        Barbara/monster, horrified, screams!

                                BARBARA/MONSTER
                  No!  Lydia, stop!

        Adam/monster runs to grab her.  Lydia is terrified.
        Screams.

                                ADAM/MONSTER
                  No, don't say it!

                                BETELGEUSE
                  Say it!  Rat shit!

        Betelgeuse slips off the roof into a patch of thorny
        bushes.


        INT. ATTIC - NIGHT

        Lydia screams; Adam/monster tries to calm her.  Lydia
        struggles and, thinking she is being attacked, runs out
        the door, smack into Barbara/monster.

        Barbara/monster catches her, frightens Lydia even more.
        Barbara/monster holds onto her as she struggles.
        Barbara/monster slowly changes back into regular Barbara.
        Lydia sees who it is and she hugs her.  Like mother and
        daughter.


        ON ADAM

        slowly returning to himself.  He smiles slightly at the
        scene.

                                BETELGEUSE (O.S.)
                  You lilly-livered bleeding hearts!

                                BARBARA
                  I'm so sorry we frightened you.
                  What were you doing?

                                LYDIA
                  He... Beetle Jui...

        Barbara quickly puts her hand over her mouth.

                                LYDIA
                  He said if I let him out he would
                  take me over to the other side to
                  find you.

                                BARBARA
                  No, Lydia, we're dead.

                                LYDIA
                  I want to be dead too.

                                BARBARA
                         (shocked)
                  No you don't!  No... Lydia... Why?

                                LYDIA
                         (after a pause,
                          dramatically but
                          for real)
                  Life is just... too awful.

        Barbara hugs her.  She fumbles for words.  This is an
        unusual situation, a dead person talking a live person
        out of killing herself.  She rocks Lydia a little.
        Barbara looks at Adam.

                                BARBARA
                  Lydia, believe me... we know... all
                  the hard stuff is the same over
                  here.  You're going to be who you
                  are... whether you're alive or dead
                  ... and over here -- it's... It's
                  flat... there's no food, no colors
                  ... you can't smell the flowers.
                         (thinking)
                  If we knew then what we know now
                  we'd have been more careful...

                                ADAM
                         (in the style of the
                          dead receptionist)
                  ... we wouldn't have had our
                  little accident.

        Lydia looks at Barbara lovingly.

                                BARBARA
                  So, never let Beetle Juice out.
                  Never.  Besides...
                         (looking at Adam)
                  We're thinking about letting
                  everyone stay... You and your
                  father and mother can stay too.

                                LYDIA
                         (smiles and says
                          slowly)
                  Step... mother.

        Adam/monster is not sure, huffs around a little.  He is
        trying to change back into Adam, except for his nose,
        which remains like a beak for a minute.  Finally, it
        changes too.

        Lydia and Barbara laugh at him.

        Suddenly, two men push in through the door.  They push
        by Lydia and grab the model.  They take it out the door.

        Adam is beside himself.  Doesn't know what to do.

        Barbara stops him from taking action.

                                ADAM
                  What is going on?

                                LYDIA
                  Really.  I don't know.

        Adam looks suspiciously at her.

                                LYDIA
                  I really don't.  I'll go find out.

        She runs out the door.

                                BARBARA
                  Be careful.


        INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT

        Lydia runs through the hallway and into the dining room.


        INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

        Lydia walks into a presentation in progress.

        Sitting around the table are Otho, Maxie, and Delia.
        SARAH DEAN is there too.  She looks around Lydia hoping
        for ghosts.  Sarah is heavily made up, smells bad.

        Lydia's photos of the sheeted ghosts are blown up and
        standing on a nearby easel.  Charles, over the model with
        a pointer, is lost in mid-sentence.

                                CHARLES
                  -- In short, I've got options to
                  buy enough of the stores on Main
                  Street to control the city council
                  for a hundred years.  And at the
                  prices I'm talking about, if it
                  all fell apart tomorrow, we just
                  move out and sell to the Arabs and
                  we still come out... I've talked
                  to Ed Cornwall about a wax museum,
                  here... in Thanksgiving park...
                  Ed's the man who made the talking
                  Jesse Jackson statue.  And I've
                  got a museum dedicated to fifty
                  great moments in the paranormal --
                  and parenthetically D-Con wants
                  the right to start an insect zoo
                  here in the old hardware store.
                         (seeing Lydia)
                  Lydia, did you finally decide to
                  join us?

        They all give her an oily smile.

                                CHARLES
                  Honey, I am just finishing the
                  first phase presentation about
                  our little project here.  Then
                  we'll take a stretch and invite
                  our friends... to meet your
                  friends.

        Sarah gets Maxie's attention and unable to contain her
        excitement, silently urges him to get on with the ghosts.

                                SARAH
                  Are they here yet?

                                MAXIE
                  Yes, Charles, let's cut the
                  bullcorn.  We're here to see
                  ghosts.  This whole ghost-town
                  museum and such-like, follows like
                  a train, if you've got the
                  engine... so let's see your
                  goddamned engine.

        Everyone looks at Lydia.

                                LYDIA
                  They're... not here anymore.

                                CHARLES
                         (smiling apolo-
                          getically)
                  Nonsense, everytime she says that,
                  the paint peels, and some wild
                  creature tries to kill us.

                                SARAH
                         (motioning)
                  We've got these pictures, Lydia.

                                LYDIA
                  No, really... they said they might
                  come back and all of us could live
                  in peace if you agreed not to
                  tease them or make them do silly
                  tricks.

        Sarah is disappointed.  She goes to Maxie.  Delia takes
        over.

                                DELIA
                  She's become a little emotional
                  about all this.  No counseling up
                  here.  But we aren't relying on
                  her.  No, we rely only on
                  professionals.  We have... Otho.

        The whole room turns to Otho.  Who is scribbling something
        and mumbling.

                                CHARLES
                  Are they still here, Otho?

        Otho looks up, he missed the question.

                                DELIA
                  Are they still here, Otho?

                                OTHO
                  Oh, they're still here.  They're
                  Just not showing up.

                                CHARLES
                  They're probably guilty about what
                  they did to me.

                                DELIA
                  Not these people!  They are
                  ruthless!

                                MAXIE
                  I don't care from guilt.  I just
                  want to see them.

                                CHARLES
                  Otho, can you do it?

                                OTHO
                  It's tricky, but I think I can do
                  it.

        He dramatically produces the handbook.

                                LYDIA
                  No!

        Lydia begins to think about this scene and she shifts to
        another point of view.

                                LYDIA
                  Wait a minute!  What am I worried
                  about?  Otho, you can't even
                  change a tire!

                                OTHO
                         (taking the
                          challenge)
                  I'll need something personal of
                  theirs.

        Lydia smiles, confident that the house is stripped of
        Maitlands' possessions.

        Delia carefully brings out a big plastic bag.  Lays something
        out on the dining room table.

                                DELIA
                  I'm deeply sentimental about...
                  weddings.

        Lydia stands to see:  Delia carefully lays out Barbara's
        white wedding dress.  Then next to it, Adam's wedding
        tux.

        Lydia looks at it.  A chill runs through her.

                                LYDIA
                         (hushed realization)
                  Their wedding clothes.

                                OTHO
                         (dramatically)
                  Their wedding clothes.

        Lydia starts edging for the door.

                                OTHO
                  Now lock all the doors.

        Charles and Maxie do it.  Lydia is getting nervous.

                                LYDIA
                         (whistling in the
                          dark)
                  This is a joke.  You have got to
                  be kidding.


        EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT

        The moon stares down icily through gray clouds.  WIND UP.


        INT. ATTIC - NIGHT

        Barbara is looking out the window.

                                BARBARA
                         (wistful)
                  You know, I've been thinking.  I
                  could teach Lydia to sew.

                                ADAM
                  Little black party dresses?

                                BARBARA
                         (punching him
                          playfully)
                  Ah, Adam, you don't know anything
                  about little girls.  She's just...
                  missed out on some love, that's
                  all...

                                ADAM
                         (huffy)
                  Let's see if she can get my model
                  back.

                                BARBARA
                  You can build another one... with
                  her.

        Adam isn't convinced.  Barbara motions him to sit next to
        her.

                                BARBARA
                  Come here, I want to talk to you.


        INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

        The group is sitting silently in chairs and on the living
        room couch.

        In the middle of the room, the carpet has been rolled
        back.  Otho -- despite his massive bulk -- is on his hands
        and knees.  He has laid out the clothes in a red square
        on the floor.  (He refers to the handbook throughout.)

                                OTHO
                  It's the shape that will trap them.

        He's measuring the string, making sure that it's even.
        He holds up the handbook.

                                SARAH
                  The 'words?'

        Otho nods.


        INT. ATTIC - NIGHT

        Barbara with her arm on his shoulder, talks to Adam.

                                BARBARA
                  We've been given a gift here,
                  honey.  A real live little girl.
                  She likes us a lot.  She needs us.
                  Maybe that's why we died so young,
                  to keep us from getting so...
                  attached to things.  The house,
                  antiques, your model.  Look at us.
                  We didn't have room for anyone.

                                ADAM
                         (after a long thought)
                  What makes you think she likes me?

        Barbara slowly smiles.  He does too.


        INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

        Lydia is nervous now.  Otho lights a candle and Delia
        turns out the lights.

                                OTHO
                  As sudden thunder
                  Pierces night;
                  As magic wonder
                  Mad affright
                  Rives asunder
                  Man's delight:
                  Our ghost, our corpse and we...
                  Rise to be.

        Nothing happens.  Lydia nervously turns away.

                                LYDIA
                         (sarcastically)
                  Doo wah.

        Then a SIZZLE, a TINY CRACKLE, along one side of the
        square.

                                OTHO
                  Hands vermillion
                  Stars of five
                  Bright cotillion
                  Raven's dive
                  Nightshades promise
                  Spirit's strive,
                  To the living
                  Let now the dead...
                  Come alive.


        INT. ATTIC - NIGHT

        Adam is looking at his model thoughtfully.  He smiles.

                                ADAM
                  I do kind of like her, you know...

        He turns to Barbara.  CAMERA HINGES WITH him to see --


        ON BARBARA

        Her face is frightened.  She cannot speak.  She reaches
        out to him -- but is disappearing.  He reaches for her,
        but she is suddenly -- gone.


        INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

        Vari-colored lightning bolts shoot from every corner of
        the square.  A gasp from everyone but Lydia.


        ON LYDIA

        She is looking away.  She turns to see --


        ON DRESS

        Barbara's wedding dress floats over the table and fills
        slowly, painfully, with the arms, legs and finally the
        frightened face of Barbara.  A lightning bolt flares.

        Lydia rises slowly to her feet, unable to resist.

        More lightning bolts.

                                OTHO
                  As sudden thunder
                  Pierces the night;
                  As magic wonder
                  Mad affright
                  Rives asunder
                  Man's delight:
                  Our ghost, our corpse and we
                  Rise to be.

        Lydia walks slowly toward Barbara.


        ON BARBARA

        She is in pain, she is very slowly aging.  She speaks,
        but no words can be heard.  Not even by Lydia.  But we
        can see she is calling for... Adam.

                                LYDIA
                  Stop it!

                                MAXIE
                  Shhhh!

        Lydia screams for Adam.

                                LYDIA
                  Adam!  Adam!

                                OTHO
                         (louder)
                  As flies the lizard
                  Serpent fell;
                  As goblin vizard,
                  At the spell
                  Of pale wizard,
                  Sinks to hell;
                  The buried, dead, and slain...
                  Rise again.


        INT. ATTIC - NIGHT

        In a lightning flare we see Adam searching for Barbara.
        He rushes out into the hallway.

                                ADAM
                  Barbara!  Barbara?  Ba...

        His last plaintive call becomes mute as he too begins to
        slowly disappear.


        INT. DINING ROOM - ON EACH OF WATCHERS - NIGHT

        One by one.  They are scared but delighted too.  No one
        is watching Lydia.


        ON OTHO

                                OTHO
                  Hands vermillion
                  Stars of five
                  Bright cotillion
                  Raven's dive
                  Nightshades promise
                  Spirit's strive,
                  Into the living
                  Let now the dead
                  Come alive.


        ON LYDIA

        tears well up in her eyes.


        ON BARBARA

        She is slowly aging.  Now a bewildered Adam appears,
        floating in his wedding suit.  Seeing his Barbara, now
        older than he is, Adam reaches for her hand...


        ON HANDS

        As he grasps her hand, it seems to be made of white
        crepe, it wrinkles and nearly collapses.

        Adam... puzzled, calls her name silently.

                                DELIA
                  What's happening to them?

                                OTHO
                  I don't know.

                                CHARLES
                  Are they suffering?

                                MAXIE
                  They're already dead.  They can't
                  feel a thing.

        Obviously not true.


        ON LYDIA

        She cries.

                                LYDIA
                  Oh, no.  No!


        ON BARBARA

        She looks down slowly at Lydia and with effort makes a
        loving smile.  She reaches out toward Lydia.

        Lydia rushes for the door.  Pulls on it, can't open it.

                                LYDIA
                  No.  No.  No.  This is a
                  nightmare.

        Completely helpless now, Lydia weeps openly and then
        something comes over her.  She rushes across the room.
        Stares down at the model.

                                LYDIA
                  Where are you?  Help us!  Please.
                  Betelgeuse!

        A CRACK of LIGHTNING.


        EXT. MODEL TOWN GRAVEYARD - NIGHT

        Someone, or something, with leathery black wings, like
        the figure of death in the Goya drawing, is perched atop
        the gravestone of Barbara and Adam Maitland.  The graves
        beneath him are open.  The figure turns... it is
        Betelgeuse.  He is filing his talons casually.

        He speaks with a ghastly rasp.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  So... You're ready for me now?

                                LYDIA
                  You've got to help them.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  Can you help me?

                                LYDIA
                         (frightened)
                  ... I will.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  Then I'll help them.  For a price.

        He grins.

                                LYDIA
                  W... What is it?

                                BETELGEUSE
                         (his words echo
                          horribly
                  Be... my... queen!

                                LYDIA
                         (repulsed)
                  Your qu...?  But you're...

                                BETELGEUSE
                         (smiling devilishly)
                  I'm beeyoo-teeful.


        ON LYDIA

        She is chilled.  Steps back.  She turns back to the
        Maitlands who are continuing to age.  Looks back to the
        model.

                                LYDIA
                  All right... Betelgeuse...


        ON BETELGEUSE

        He flaps a wing.  He's also doubled in size.  The tombstone
        crumbles beneath him.

                                LYDIA (O.S.)
                         (louder)
                  Betelgeuse...


        WIDER ON GRAVEYARD

        He doubles in size again.  Behind him, one of the model
        BUILDING BURSTS INTO FLAME.  He soars off across the
        graves.


        ON LYDIA

        She hesitates.


        TIGHT ON BETELGEUSE - TOMORROW

        He looks up at her confidently.

                                LYDIA
                  Betelgeuse!


        DINING ROOM - NIGHT

        The ghostly square is now entirely zig-zagged on the inside
        with lightning.

                                CHARLES
                  All right, that's enough.  Can you
                  stop this now?

        Otho doesn't answer.

                                CHARLES
                  Otho?

                                OTHO
                  It's too late, Charles.  I'm
                  sorry.


        INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

        Lydia peers at the model.  Betelgeuse is transforming.
        There is a LOW RUMBLE.  The model town starts to shake.


        INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

        Lydia backs away.  Betelgeuse's head, now human-size,
        rises from the center of the model town.


        TIGHT ON HIS FACE

        His grin is malevolent and malicious.  It's showtime,
        folks!

                                BETELGEUSE
                  Attention K-Mart shoppers!


        INSIDE SQUARE

        Barbara and Adam's corpses are nearly at the end of their
        ropes.


        ON DEETZES

        who have been focused on the Maitlands.

                                CHARLES
                         (turning around
                          to the model)
                  Did you hear something?


        ON MODEL

        Betelgeuse begins a bright but sinister carnival barker's
        pitch.  His shoulders now are clearing the model.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  Welcome to Winter River!

        Sarah rushes over to the model, thinking this is more of
        the show.  Maxie follows.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  Hel-lo, piggies!  Welcome to Winter
                  River!  See the museum of natural
                  greed.  The monument to bored
                  businessmen!  Come closer!  Picnic
                  on the shores of the river of
                  cheap labor.  Watch out!  See the
                  terrible river monster!

        Suddenly six squid-like arms push out from his shoulders
        and grab Maxie and Sarah.  She shrieks!  The arms begin
        to rotate like a carnival ride.  CARNY MUSIC UP.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  Yowser, yowser, yowser.  Exit to the
                  rear puleeze!

        Maxie and Sarah are hurled across the room into furniture.
        They run out screaming!  Betelgeuse springs out of
        the model, back to his regular shape.

                                BETELGEUSE
                         (in style of game
                          show host)
                  Yowser, yowser.  Well who do we
                  have here tonight?

        He looks up at the suspended Maitlands.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  Let's have a hand for the
                  Maitlands, Barbara and Adam.  They
                  deserve a rest.


        ON MAITLANDS

        Wispy shadows by now, still alive/dead.  They fall in a
        heap on the floor.  NOTE:  They immediately start to
        regenerate themselves.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  Well, we'll get back to them after
                  they recover from their flight.

        He turns his attention to the living.  Suddenly the
        PHOTOS of the sheeted Maitlands BURST INTO FLAMES and
        disappear.


        ON ADAM

        filling out again, he struggles to stand, but falls.
        Barbara shakes her head trying to regain her focus.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  Look at this mess.  Look at that...
                  ugly dust!
                         (feeling the wallpaper)
                  My God, what ugly wall dressing.
                  Who is responsible for all this
                  ugliness?
                         (spying Otho trying
                          to hide)
                  Otho, it's you!  Watch out for the
                  taste patrol!

        He waves and the door opens.  A little Italian gentleman
        appears --

                                OTHO
                  No.  Noooo!  My God.  It's Giorgio
                  Armani!

                                GIORGIO
                  Before youa getta started herea, I
                  joost wanta to saya, Otho, don'ta
                  weara my stuff?  Okay?  Youa too
                  fat for human-type clothes.  Ita
                  makes my designs looka like
                  aircraft covering.

        Otho is horrified.  Suddenly, Otho's clothing begins to
        rip and fall off as he runs out the door screaming.
        Betelgeuse laughs with delight.  Delia pleads with the
        recovering Maitlands.

                                DELIA
                         (frantic)
                  Please, can't you do something!
                  Please!


        ON BARBARA AND ADAM

        Adam, not fully recovered, heroically tries to speak, but
        his jaw falls off.  An exhausted Barbara tries to help
        him reattach it.

        Betelgeuse looks at Delia, with an evil grin.

                                BETELGEUSE
                         (Lawrence Welk-like)
                  Anda now our lovely champagne
                  lady.  To whoma grace and elegance
                  are as natural as a simple blue
                  leather couch.
                         (suddenly exploding
                          like Tweetie Bird)
                  Do you know how many smurfs died
                  needlessly to make that couch?
                         (like calling a dog
                          on her)
                  Get her, Blue!

        Suddenly, Delia tries to run for it.  But she falls into
        the blue leather couch.  The couch arms swell and grab
        her.  The couch, now alive, holds her tight, bucks her
        like a bronco, and gallops around the room (as in her
        entrance), and out the door.

                                DELIA
                  Help!  Help!

                                BETELGEUSE
                  Shane!  Shane!  Come back Shane!
                         (he turns and winks
                          at Lydia)
                  Heh heh!  Hell... llo honey!

        Lydia screams!!


        ON BARBARA

        horrified, she tries to go to Lydia, but falls hard
        against the wall.

        Charles moves protectively toward Lydia, who is cowering
        in a corner.  A LOUD ZOOMING is heard from the model.
        Charles freezes, looks down at it.


        ON MODEL

        It shakes as many little CARS ZOOM around in the
        streets.  They have angry little faces!  ZOOM!  ZOOM!


        MED. SHOT - CHARLES

        He is puzzled.

                                BETELGEUSE (O.S.)
                  Look at that, Charles!

        (Recalling Charles' earlier speech to Lydia)

                                BETELGEUSE (O.S.)
                  You're the first trickle... in a
                  couple of years this town will be
                  filled with people like you and
                  they will need...


        CLOSE ON CHARLES

        He freezes, his eyes big, he is sweating and shaking.  A
        serrated yellow stripe rolls up the center of his face.

                                BETELGEUSE (O.S.)
                  Lots of parking!


        ON MODEL

        CARS ZOOM off the model and all over Charles, parking
        like crazy.  He screams!

        Charles has turned into a parking structure.  He is
        quickly weighed down with hundreds of the nasty
        machines.

        Two slightly larger cars drive off the model, under his
        shoes and like skates, propel Charles out the door.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  Okay.  You can go now, you're
                  full.

        He laughs hysterically as Charles spins out, hollering.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  I love it when I have a good time.
                  What a guy!
                         (suddenly reflective)
                  But Betelgeuse is tired of the
                  fast lane.  He wants to be a
                  country boy.
                         (looking around at
                          the house)
                  I think I'll settle here.  I
                  think...
                         (big and dangerous
                          grin, looks to
                          Lydia)
                  I'll get ... married.

        Suddenly the room glows red.  A fire burns on top of the
        mantel.  The WEDDING MARCH PLAYS EERILY.  An ominous
        feeling creeps into the scene.

        His leering horned whores walk, like bridesmaids, in
        step, through the door.  They rush toward Lydia.

        Frightened, Lydia is assaulted and pulled forward by these
        ugly handmaidens, she suddenly looks down and sees she is
        now clothed in a BLOOD RED WEDDING DRESS.  LYDIA SCREAMS!

                                BARBARA
                  No... No!

        Adam's eyes widen.

                                LYDIA
                         (frightened, but
                          hurling the incan-
                          tation to make him
                          disappear)
                  No... Betelgeuse.  Bet...

        Betelgeuse waves a hand and Lydia's mouth freezes.

        A death-masked old PREACHER stands ready to perform the
        service.  He speaks with a hissing death rattle.

                                PREACHER
                  Do you, Betel...

        His mouth drops and is frozen.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  Uh, uh!  No one says the B word!

                                PREACHER
                  Do you __________ take this woman
                  to be your wedded wife?  To
                  honor...

                                BETELGEUSE
                         (interrupting)
                  You betcha!

        Lydia screams and struggles.

                                PREACHER
                  And... you?  Do you, Lydia, take
                  this man? ... er, uh... man... to
                  be your lawful wedded husband?
                  ... In sickness...

        Lydia struggles.  Her screams are muffled and distant.
        Betelgeuse grabs her and shakes her.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  You don't have to answer him,
                  snookums.  I'll do it for you.
                         (eerily, speaking
                          in her voice)
                  I'm Lydia Deetz and I'm of sound
                  mind.  The man next to me, is the
                  one I want.  You asked me... I'm
                  answering.  Yes.  How I love that
                  man of mine.

        Adam, now fully regenerated, moves toward them.  He
        shouts the incantation.

                                ADAM
                  Beetle...

        Betelgeuse turns to him and with a sweep of his hand --
        Adam's teeth (as if they were false), fly out of his
        mouth and CLATTER to the floor.  Adam, toothless, musters
        up his ghost powers and --


        TIGHT ON TEETH

        They rare back and continue shouting...

                                TEETH
                  Beetleju...

        Mayhem breaks out.  A furious Betelgeuse stomps at them
        with his feet.  The teeth scuttle under the model.

                                BETELGEUSE
                         (angrily, to old man)
                  Now move it, pops!


        ON ADAM

        Speechless, Adam heroically charges toward Betelgeuse,
        ready to strike him.  Betelgeuse spins on him and waves
        his hand.  Sound of RUSHING WIND.  Betelgeuse animates
        the drapes, which reach out and twist around Adam like a
        shroud.

        Adam struggles, but the drapes slam him hard against
        the wall and spin around him like a cocoon.

        Adam violently thrashes but is helplessly hanging off
        the wall, as the drapes keep twisting and tightening
        around him.

        Barbara screams and jumps at Betelgeuse.

                                BARBARA
                  Beetlejuice...

        Betelgeuse turns on her, eyes flashing.


        ON BARBARA

        A gag comes over her mouth.  She tears away her face like
        tissue paper -- tries to say his name again.

                                BARBARA
                  Beetlegeuse...


        ON BETELGEUSE

        More angry, he waves his hand magically.


        ON BARBARA

        Her lips are zippered shut.  She angrily rips off that
        face.

                                BARBARA
                  Beetlej...


        ON BETELGEUSE

        As fire darts from his eyes.


        ON BARBARA

        A chromium steel plate is riveted across her mouth.  She
        screams wordlessly behind it.


        ON BETELGEUSE

        He laughs maniacally.

        THUNDER ROARS.

        The mood in the room is now fevered and dangerous.  Adam
        is hopelessly fighting to get out of the twisting drapes.

        Barbara, struggling with her mouth, she pulls off the
        chrome, frustrated to the breaking point, looks all
        around the room, screams and rushes to the window and
        crashes through into the night.

                                ADAM
                         (screaming in
                          anguish)
                  Barbara?!!

                                BETELGEUSE
                         (angry)
                  Now, let's get rolling!

                                PREACHER
                  Then, by the authority vested in
                  me by...

        A RUMBLE comes from outside.  Everyone notices but the
        Preacher.  He stutters to finish the wedding.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  By me!  Get on with it!

        LOUDER NOISE from outside.  Now nearly DEAFENING.

                                PREACHER
                  Yes... by him.  I now pronounce
                  you man and...

        A CRASH at the window.


        ON WINDOW

        Through it, amidst a cloud of yellow dust, CRASHES
        the sandworm.  Barbara rides him bareback.  Barbara
        struggles to control the ROARING WORM.  She pulls on his
        ears and looks around for Beetle Juice.  Seeing him she
        spurs the worm after Beetle Juice.

        Beetle Juice struggles, trying to run from the worm.  But
        Barbara and the worm outmaneuver him, corner him, and
        when the worm reaches him, he opens his hungry mouth and
        gulps Betelgeuse in one mouthful.

                                BETELGEUSE
                  Rrrat shit!

        Barbara leaps off, as the sandworm continues back
        through the hole in the wall around the window.

        WIND HOWLS.  Lydia runs to Barbara who holds her, Adam
        staggers up and stares at her with admiration.

                                ADAM
                  What...?

                                BARBARA
                         (shrugs)
                  Just a hunch.


        ON HOLE - FOOTBALL PLAYERS

        peer down into the room.  Pull the whores up through the
        hole.

        Barbara looks around the room.  Sees something.  Walks to
        the wall.  A piece of Delia's wallpaper has been ripped,
        exposing Barbara's wallpaper underneath.  She grabs a
        corner and rips it off, revealing her old clean floral.

                                BARBARA
                  Just goes to show you.  Nothing
                  lasts forever.

        Lydia and Adam watch.

                                                   FADE OUT.

        FADE IN:


        EXT. WINTER RIVER - MAIN STREET - BRIGHT DAY

        BIRDS SING.  Ernie polishes the lion.  Old Bill sleeps.
        People stroll.


        EXT. MISS SHANNON'S BOARDING SCHOOL - DAY

        A lovely white boarding school with long green lawn.  A
        BELL RINGS.  Girls come out the front door.  Say good-
        byes.  Lydia walks out too, carrying books.

                                LYDIA
                  'Bye, Serena.  See you later.

        Lydia walks along Main Street of Winter River.


        EXT. WINTER RIVER - MAIN STREET - BRIGHT DAY

        BIRDS SING.  Ernie polishes the lion.  Lydia passes him.


        INT. JANE BUTTERFIELD'S ANTIQUES/TRAVEL/REAL ESTATE

        Lydia enters and begins to use the Xerox.  Little Jane
        is collating nearby.  She looks up at Lydia.

                                LYDIA
                  Are you a kid or a machine?

        Little Jane frowns at her.  Big Jane sits at a cluttered
        desk trying to find something.  She spies Lydia.

                                JANE
                  Hellooo!  How's school?

                                LYDIA
                         (not particularly
                          interested)
                  It's okay.  How's the dirt
                  business?

                                JANE
                  Well, I just placed a call to your
                  mother.  She had stepped out but I
                  have some news for her.

        PHONE RINGS.  Lydia happily walks out the door.

                                LYDIA
                  Tell her I'll see her soon.

        Jane answers the phone.


        EXT. WINTER RIVER MAIN STREET - BRIGHT DAY

        Ernie polishes the lion.  Lydia passes.

                                LYDIA
                  Don't forget the balls, Ernie.

        He looks around surprised.


        INT. JANE BUTTERFIELD'S ANTIQUES-TRAVEL-REAL ESTATE

        Jane screams into the phone.

                                JANE
                  What do you mean no?  After all
                  I've done for you.  I don't do
                  this for my health you know.

        CAMERA EXPLORES a row of photographs of houses for sale.


        ON PHOTOGRAPH OF OLD MAITLAND HOUSE

        It is dilapidated and haunted looking.  A legend reads:
        FIXER-UPPER'S SPECIAL.


        BACK TO JANE

        She is frustrated.

                                JANE
                  I have here a bonafide offer of
                  $250,000 for that dump.

        Little Jane is now at the Xerox machine.  The NOISE
        irritates Big Jane and she throws a wad of paper at
        Little Jane.  Little Jane gets mad and throws her papers
        into the air and exits.

                                JANE
                         (to phone, not
                          so polite)
                  What do you people want?  The
                  Franklin Mint?


        INT. NEW YORK APARTMENT - DAY

        We recognize the furniture.  It's the Deetzes.  Delia
        is on the phone to Jane.  Charles comes in with the Wall
        Street Journal.  He fidgets, taps his fingers, as he
        reads and pours coffee -- all at once.

                                DELIA
                         (whisper to Charles)
                  It's Mrs. Butterworth again.
                         (to Jane)
                  Listen to me, Jane.  Read my
                  full red lips.  We don't want
                  anyone looking at the house.  We
                  don't want it painted, the yard
                  mowed, the trees trimmed, nor do
                  we want it termite inspected.
                  It's not for sale.


        INT. JANE'S STORE - DAY

        Jane listens.  Silent.  Thinking.

                                JANE
                  Well.  Okay for now.  When will
                  you sell it?


        INT. NEW YORK APARTMENT - DAY

                                DELIA
                         (smiles)
                  Never, honey.  Never.

        She hangs up.  Looks at Charles.

                                DELIA
                  Some people never know when to
                  leave things the way they are.

        Charles smiles.


        INT. MAITLAND ATTIC - DAY

        Sound of SWEEPING -- CAMERA EASES UP -- Barbara is sweeping
        out the attic.  Adam working on his model.

                                ADAM
                  What time is it?

                                BARBARA
                  3:30 I guess.

                                ADAM
                  Give or take a year.

        Barbara smiles.

        The kitchen DOOR SLAMS.  Barbara looks up at Adam.  They
        exit carefully and walk down the stairs.


        INT. ATTIC STAIRWAY - DAY

        Adam and Barbara walk down the stairs.  They smile at
        something at the foot of the stairs.

                                ADAM
                  Did you get the paint?

                                LYDIA (O.S.)
                  I got it.  And I took pictures
                  of the new church for you, too.

                                BARBARA
                  How'd you do on the science test?

        ON LYDIA

                                LYDIA
                         (hangs her head)
                  It was gross.
                  They wanted me to dissect a frog.
                  I told them no way.  I said it
                  was against my religion.  I got
                  a C.

        Adam frowns a little.

                                BARBARA
                  How did you do on the math test?

        Lydia looks down coyly.

                                ADAM
                  We studied all day yesterday.
                  Don't tell me...

                                LYDIA
                  I got an A!

        They grin with pride.

                                LYDIA
                  So can I?

                                ADAM
                         (shaking his head)
                  Uh-uh.  Only if you got above a
                  C on science.

                                LYDIA
                  Oh puh-leeze!

                                BARBARA
                  Oh, Adam, don't tease her.  You
                  never got an A in science in your
                  life!

                                ADAM
                  All right.


        ON LYDIA

        She puts down her books.  Loosens her collar, ruffles
        her hair and waits.

                                ADAM
                  Okay.

        Lydia looks down.

        She lifts her head and leaves the white bread world
        behind!  In a voice as deep and soulful as Percy
        Sledge:

                                LYDIA
                  'When a man loves a woman.
                  He cain't keep his mind on nothin'
                  else.'

        Adam and Barbara sway and clap.

                                ADAM & BARBARA
                  Oooooo.  Hummm.  Oooooo.

                                LYDIA
                  'He'd change the world for the
                  good thing he's found.  When a
                  man needs a woman, he cain't
                  keep his mind on nothin' else.
                  If she's bad, he won't see it,
                  she can do no wrong.'

        MUSIC CONTINUES OVER:

                                  CREDITS

        OVER:


        INT. ATTIC - DAY

        CAMERA APPROACHES the model --


        INT. MODEL (WINTER RIVER) - DAY

        CAMERA FLOATS ABOVE the little town.  PAST the hardware
        store, with its new sign.

                    MAITLAND "FAMILY" HARDWARE STORE

        CAMERA FLOATS ABOVE the graveyard and DOWN the country
        lane.

        Juno walks past a great pile of sand with the whorehouse
        in the middle.  An irritated Betelgeuse crawls out on
        the roof.  Hating the singing he shakes his fist at the
        sky -- loses his footing and tumbles into the sand.
        Terrified, he scrambles to get out.


        ON PILE

        A moving coil under the sand sends him scurrying inside
        again.  The sandworm snapping right behind him as he
        runs back out on the roof.


        ANOTHER ANGLE

        Juno walks past the Maitlands' yard.


        ON BENJI-LIKE DOG

        The same one who caused the Maitlands' accident on the
        bridge.  He is taking a leak on a big tree.

        Juno whistles and the dog joins her on the lane.  They
        walk away together.

        CAMERA TILTS UP to see house.  It is the perfect, New
        England house.  CAMERA PULLS BACK FROM the model -- OUT
        the window of the real house.


        OUTSIDE REAL HOUSE

        We see it is dilapidated, and undeniably, the perfect
        haunted house.

                                                   FADE OUT.