Something Borrowed
Written by
Dana Fox
First Revision
April 22, 2003
FADE IN:
CLOSE ON A WOMAN’S FACE, BEAUTIFUL AND STRONG. SHE’S CRYING.
INT. KAT’S BEDROOM - NEW YORK CITY - DAY
The woman is KAT ELLIS, 30. Tears stream down her face as
she sits cross-legged amid the detritus of a packing frenzy.
There is an unfortunate green bridesmaid’s dress hanging on
the back of the door.
Kat’s pain is palpable. She buries her head in her lap.
Suddenly, the doorbell RINGS.
Kat sits bolt upright, wide eyed. She looks around in
disbelief. How did this happen? What is she doing on the
floor?
KAT
(sweetly)
Hold on!
INT. HALLWAY
A BIKE MESSENGER stands outside Kat’s door. He busts a
covert ipod dance while he waits.
KAT (O.S.)
Coming!
INT. KAT’S FOYER
Kat wipes her face and inhales, summoning deep calm.
INT. HALLWAY
The Bike Messenger looks up as the door swings open.
Kat is a changed woman. Nothing like the girl we saw on the
floor. You’d never know she had been crying. Or that she
even knows how.
KAT
I’m so sorry. I wasn’t quite ready
for you.
Kat props the door open with her foot as she slides a plane
ticket into an envelope. She scribbles a name on the
envelope, seals it, and hands it to him.
BIKE MESSENGER
Lady, you said this was a rush. I
can’t rush anything anywhere if you
don’t give it to me.
Kat looks down at the envelope, she’s still holding on to it.
KAT
It’s a plane ticket.
BIKE MESSENGER
So it is.
KAT
For a date.
(beat)
For my date. To my sister’s
wedding. In London.
(beat)
He’s never met my family.
BIKE MESSENGER
I hear that noise.
Kat wills herself to surrender the envelope.
BIKE MESSENGER (CONT’D)
You need to let go.
KAT
Yeah.
(beat)
You’re going to have to help me.
The Bike Messenger gently tugs the envelope out of her hand.
Kat smiles.
KAT (CONT’D)
Thank you.
The Bike Messenger looks at her with genuine concern.
INT. KAT’S APARTMENT
Racing against time, Kat throws open a linen closet to reveal
three neat rows of plastic bins, all perfectly labeled. Kat
reaches into the bin marked "TRAVEL" and pulls out a prepacked
toiletry kit.
Kat pulls a box marked “LONDON” out from underneath her bed.
She opens it.
Pushing aside an old private school uniform and some letters,
she pulls out a worn London A-Z, a Ziploc marked “ADAPTERS,”
and her passport.
She’s about to close the box when she sees an old photo. In
it, a GORGEOUS GUY kisses Kat on the cheek. He’s holding the
camera himself -- it’s blurred and goofy, but full of love.
Kat jams it back in the box and shoves it under the bed.
EXT. NEW YORK STREET
The Bike Messenger darts in and out of traffic, avoiding the
throngs of NEW YORKERS enjoying this crisp fall day.
INT. KAT’S APARTMENT
Kat races through her apartment, packing, cleaning, getting
ready. Her place is small yet put together. It’s Crate and
Barrel meets Martha. But in a good way.
INT. KAT’S BATHROOM
Kat, finally still, stares into the mirror as she brushes her
teeth. There’s a strange intensity to it, like she’s
scrubbing away the last of her distress.
EXT. BROWNSTONE APARTMENT
The Bike Messenger passes a waiting Town Car as he pulls up
to a stoop. He hefts his bike, runs up the stairs, and slips
the envelope into the door of...
INT. BROWNSTONE APARTMENT
A tasteful flat. Stylish yet masculine. A MAN stoops to
pick up the envelope. We don’t see his face, just his
ordered, minimalist apartment as he zips his carry-on and
walks out the door.
EXT. NEW YORK STREET
His face obscured, the man steps into the purring Town Car.
EXT. KAT’S APARTMENT BUILDING
A TAXI DRIVER slams his trunk as Kat gets in. Kat’s
apprehensive face peers out the window as they pull away.
INT. JFK AIRPORT
A ridiculously long line snakes towards the X-Ray machines.
Latte in hand, Kat cuts right through the middle.
Irate PASSENGERS scowl at her. Kat does this every day. She
should be used to the looks by now. She’s not. She
pointedly flashes the crowd her AIRPORT EMPLOYEE BADGE as she
sails through security.
INT. CUSTOMER SERVICE - JFK AIRPORT
Kat enters the Virgin Atlantic customer service hub. It’s as
cramped as it is busy. A FEMALE EMPLOYEE approaches with a
question. Kat puts up her hand.
KAT
I’m off duty. I do not exist.
Don’t even look at me.
The lady backs off. As Kat hurries away, a HARRIED EMPLOYEE
matches her step and launches in.
HARRIED EMPLOYEE
I’ve got a tour group from Taipei
trapped in customs, a dead poodle
in Cargo parked at T9, and a lost
grandmother staggering around
International asking for her mommy.
Oh, and there’s a guy on two who
was stuck with his in-laws for a
week because we couldn’t get him
out of Dulles. The in-laws aren’t
speaking to him anymore and, for
some reason, he’s pissed.
Kat’s trying not to get sucked in.
KAT
I would love to help you.
Sincerely. But my sister’s getting
married this weekend, I haven’t
seen my family in two years, and my
flight leaves in fifteen minutes.
The Harried Employee looks like he’s going to lose it. Kat
struggles, then caves.
KAT (CONT’D)
You take Taipei. Tammy’s schnauzer
just had puppies.
Put her on the dead dog. Park reps
with wheelchairs at every john in T8.
If Grandma just got off a trans-con,
she’s gotta go sometime.
Kat starts to walk away.
HARRIED EMPLOYEE
What about line two?
Kat spins around and glares at him.
INT. OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
On the phone, Kat is in the middle of saying way too much.
KAT
(into phone)
I completely understand, sir. You
just want your in-laws to see you
the way you see yourself. Or at
least the way you would see
yourself if you didn’t feel so
victimized by them.
At that moment, a CLIPBOARD manager walks by. He overhears
Kat’s diatribe and is incredulous.
CLIPBOARD
Hello? Calls may be monitored for
quality control?
KAT
Huh?
CLIPBOARD
Over-share!
Kat waves him off. Then, by rote:
KAT
(into phone)
Mr. Rajagopal, we regret that you
were snowed in at Dulles but
snowstorms fall under a category
called force majeure. Along with
earthquakes, hurricanes, and floods.
In short, we’re not liable.
Kat checks to make sure the Clipboard has moved on. Then,
she continues, softly but very quickly.
KAT (CONT’D)
(into phone)
But just this once, I’m going to
refund the full price of your
ticket and credit you 10,000
frequent flyer miles. Thank you
for calling Virgin Atlantic!
INT. CABIN - PLANE
Kat sits in first class, absently scanning the safety card.
A PRETTY WOMAN across the aisle notices and smiles.
PRETTY WOMAN
Your first trip?
Kat realizes she’s been reading the safety card. She laughs
and puts it back in the seat pocket. As she often does, Kat
feels compelled to explain.
KAT
Hardly. My family moved to England
when I was fourteen. My stepdad’s
a professor at University College,
London.
(beat)
I’m going back for my sister’s
wedding...and the best man’s my ex.
In case I chicken out, I want to
know where all the exits are.
Kat eyes the front door, nervously.
PRETTY WOMAN
I don’t believe in marriage. I
believe in hot sex. Of course,
that draws men to me like flies to
shit.
Kat doesn’t know what to say, but then a HOT GUY walks up the
aisle. Kat looks at the empty seat next to her and smiles at
him. He returns the smile but sits next to the Pretty Woman.
HOT GUY
Hello, my sweet darling.
He gives the Pretty Woman a “madly in love” kiss. The Pretty
Woman rolls her eyes to Kat -- what did I tell you?
INT. GALLEY - PLANE
Kat is hiding out. She tries to calm her nerves as a MALE
FLIGHT ATTENDANT pours her a cup of water.
KAT
I’m not a knuckler. I fly all the
time. In fact, I transferred from
Heathrow two years ago and now I
run Bags and Nags here at Kennedy,
so things are going really well for
me. The reason I can’t feel my
legs is that any minute, my date is
going to walk in that door. And I
need him to look really, really
good today.
MALE FLIGHT ATTENDANT
(not listening)
I wish I couldn’t feel my legs.
Kat peeks around the corner and spots the back of the
mysterious MAN from the opening as he loads the overhead bin
above Kat’s seat. Kat gasps, ducking back.
KAT
Oh, no. He’s here.
The Male Flight Attendant looks out at the Man, who leans
against Kat’s seat as he chats with a FEMALE FLIGHT
ATTENDANT. Kat’s in a panic.
KAT (CONT’D)
What do you think? Does he look
hot, and is it the kinda hot
that’ll translate overseas?
MALE FLIGHT ATTENDANT
I resent your stereotyping of a man
in my profession but...
He checks out the guy again.
MALE FLIGHT ATTENDANT (CONT’D)
...darling, he’d be hot on Mars.
I’d like to unwrap him like a
Harrod’s gift basket.
Kat smiles, relieved.
INT. CABIN - PLANE
The mystery man is NICK MERCER, 32, commanding and classy,
yet somehow totally genuine. He carries his ’40s-crooner
good looks like he has no idea that men just aren’t made that
way anymore.
Nick takes two glasses of champagne from the blushing Female
Flight Attendant.
NICK
Thank you, Lisa.
He turns around to take his seat and finds Kat standing
there, awkwardly.
KAT
Hi. Hey.
NICK
Kat.
Nick kisses Kat warmly on the cheek and hands her a glass of
champagne. Nick’s totally at ease. This may as well be a
candle-lit bar.
NICK (CONT’D)
Let’s sit.
Kat awkwardly negotiates her drink as they take their seats.
KAT
I’m glad you found it okay. The
airport. The plane, I mean.
Nick notices Kat’s anxiety, tries to settle her.
NICK
I really am sorry I couldn’t leave
earlier. I know you would have
loved a few hours to settle in
before the party.
Kat melts a little. That’s just what she was thinking.
KAT
Work must be crazy right now.
Nick gives Kat a quizzical look. There’s something going on
here. Though it’s not clear what. Kat fills the space.
KAT (CONT’D)
I’ve gotta warn you, you know those
families where everyone’s out of
their minds but at the end of the
day, they’re family, so you love
them?
(off his nod)
Mine’s not like that.
The Flight Attendant appears with a small tray. Kat notices
the woman’s cheeks flush as she fumbles Nick’s drink.
Nick smiles warmly, but deftly ends the moment. He’s like a
famous person who has learned to manage his adoring fans with
casual grace.
KAT (CONT’D)
I love my dad. But since he’s my
stepdad, he’s technically not
family. He’s more like a hostage.
Kat tries to find her seat belt. It’s under Nick.
She reaches beneath him, tentatively, then pulls back,
embarrassed.
KAT (CONT’D)
My seat belt, it’s....
Nick pulls out the seat belt and hands it to her. Kat
buckles up, checks that it’s snug, then checks again.
They sit in silence as the plane starts barreling down the
runway.
As they pick up speed, Nick takes Kat’s hand. She finds
comfort in his touch, her need to talk abates momentarily.
She is safe.
Kat closes her eyes as the plane levels off, then peeks over
at Nick, who’s calmly staring out the window. She closes her
eyes again, this time for good.
EXT. LONDON - ESTABLISHING - DAY
INT. BAGGAGE CLAIM - HEATHROW
Nick and Kat wait at the baggage claim. She looks at his
tie, then down at her dress. They are the exact same color.
KAT
(concerned)
Please tell me you’re not wearing
that tonight.
Her dress is indeed the exact same color as Nick’s tie.
KAT
It’s no big deal. Really. It just
looks like a tailor cut off a yard
of my dress and made your tie out
of it.
Nick doesn’t get it. He heaves one of Kat’s suitcases onto a
trolley full of matching suitcases.
KAT (CONT’D)
Don’t get me wrong, matching’s
fine. It’s “matchy matchy” you’ve
got to watch out for.
(re: outfits)
This is matchy-matchy.
Nick, amused, tugs the last of the bags off the carousel and
adds it to a pile of what appears to be an entire floor model
of matching luggage.
NICK
You think we look like we’re trying
too hard.
KAT
Exactly. I want us to look like we
fit, but not like we’re trying too
hard to look like we fit.
(beat)
It’s welcome cocktails, not prom.
With this level of matchy-matchy, we
should be drinking peach schnapps
under a bleacher somewhere.
Nick laughs at Kat. Then fixes her with an intense stare.
NICK
I’ll teach you a trick. If you
look people in the eye, they’ll
never even notice what you have on.
Kat, overwhelmed by his charisma, is mesmerized.
NICK (CONT’D)
What color are my shoes?
KAT
(dreamily)
You have feet?
Nick smiles sweetly and touches her cheek.
EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - OUTSIDE LONDON - DAY
The Heathrow Express thunders towards London.
INT. HEATHROW EXPRESS - [MOVING] - DAY
Nick stands by the W.C., flipping through Cosmo. He can do
that without looking gay. He talks to Kat through the door.
NICK
I understand how important this is
to you, but you’re a beautiful
woman and you’ve got everything in
the world going for you. I
couldn’t care less what you have
on.
Kat comes out modeling a black strapless.
KAT
Don’t patronize me.
They’ve clearly been at this a while.
NICK
You’re funny.
KAT
Yeah, but I feel like crap. And if
you feel like crap, it’s way better
to look hot while you’re doing it.
He checks her out.
NICK
Mission accomplished.
KAT
Really?
(beat)
Don’t get too attached.
She bolts back to the bathroom, nearly knocking over a ZITTY
TEENAGER who’s waiting his turn.
ZITTY TEENAGER
I liked the red one better.
NICK
I’ll let her know.
INT. W.C. - HEATHROW EXPRESS
Kat, alone in the W.C., meticulously rearranges a layer of
paper towel on the floor so she can step out of her shoes.
She expertly slides off the first dress while simultaneously
pulling another one on -- not an inch of skin shows.
She struggles as the train rocks back and forth.
NICK (O.S.)
(through the door)
I bet you’re doing that girl thing,
where you get undressed without
showing any skin.
Kat looks around suspiciously.
KAT
No, I’m not.
How’d he know?
INT. HEATHROW EXPRESS - CONTINUOUS
Kat emerges from the bathroom wearing the new dress. Nick
checks it out.
NICK
Mmm.
KAT
Mmm, nice dress? Or mmm--
(British accent)
Gorgeous, I was insane to let you
go!
NICK
Both.
Kat looks to the Zitty Teenager for his opinion.
ZITTY TEENAGER
I’d do you.
(to Nick)
I mean, if it was all right with
you.
Kat gives the passenger an appreciative smile, then flies
back into the bathroom. Nick, amused by her antics, steps
closer to the door.
NICK
You know, they say you can tell
everything you need to know about a
person from the way they act when
they’re naked.
KAT
(popping her head out)
I don’t do naked. My sister? She
does naked.
Kat ducks back into the bathroom.
MUSIC UP. NAKED MONTAGE:
INT. W.C. - HEATHROW EXPRESS
Kat pulls her dress over her head.
MATCH CUT TO:
ANOTHER WOMAN, PULLING OFF HER DRESS.
INT. AMY’S BATHROOM
The woman is Kat’s sister, AMY ELLIS, 28. She graces a bath
mat in all her infinite nakedness. Totally nude, she gently
places her veil on her head and begins the ablutions of a
Greek goddess. A dot of bath oil, a pure white towel, one
squirt self-tanner, one squirt lotion.
Finally, she pulls out a bottle of olive oil, pours two drops
into her hands and rubs them together.
Then she stares in the mirror, regarding herself with a look
so blank it could be anything from admiration to revulsion.
Just then, a KNOCK.
The groom, EDWARD FLETCHER-WOOTEN, 31, enters, wearing a
robe. He flashes Amy as he does a silly dance then smothers
her inside his robe. Amy giggles and tries to break free.
At first she’s laughing, but then she turns on a dime and
shoves him off more forcefully than she meant to.
She kisses him on the lips, trying to cover, and shoos him
out the door.
INT. BUNNY’S DRESSING ROOM
The mother of the bride, BUNNY ELLIS, 60, drops her robe on
the floor. She is about to put on a bra when she catches her
reflection in a full-length mirror on the door.
She is momentarily surprised by what she sees. She turns and
faces her image. This is not the woman she is in her head.
This is an old woman with uncooperative skin. With one swift
movement, she slams the door.
INT. ELLIS HOUSE - ST. JOHN’S WOOD
The father of the bride, VICTOR ELLIS, 65, wearing only a
pair of socks, walks downstairs. He's completely comfortable
in his nakedness and trots around as if he's fully clothed.
He sings to himself. The words of the song are
incomprehensible but he sings with an unrestrained Sinatra
sass.
Victor enters the kitchen, opens the fridge and starts
scrounging. Inside the fridge door, Victor bends over and
his bare butt sticks out. As he closes the fridge door, we
cut to...
A SHOWER DOOR SLIDING OPEN.
INT. JEFFREY’S FLAT
Inside, the best man, JEFFREY JOHNSON, 31, the guy from the
snapshot under Kat’s bed, glistens with a post-shower flush.
Jeffrey towels off with a miniscule washcloth.
Stepping out of the bathroom, Jeffrey notices an 18-year-old
NYMPHETTE watching him through her kitchen window. He
crosses to the window but instead of closing the blinds, he
opens them wider and jumps up onto a pull-up bar.
The Nymphette blushes and looks away. As he starts pumping
and his manhood rises dangerously close to frame, we...
CUT TO:
EXT. LANESBOROUGH HOTEL - ESTABLISHING - DAY
Upscale cars deliver upscale people to this stately hotel in
Central London.
INT. LOBBY - LANESBOROUGH HOTEL
Nick pays the BELLHOP, who trolleys away their bags. He
turns to find Kat. She’s wearing the red dress. The Zitty
Teenager was right. It’s really hot.
Kat starts doing a yoga breath of fire, trying to relax.
Nick takes Kat’s hand and pulls her close.
NICK
You okay, hon?
Kat nods, clearly not okay. Nick smooths a piece of hair
behind her ear. There is a practiced intimacy to the way he
touches her and Kat is almost settled by it.
KAT
I’m not sure I can do this.
Nick moves towards Kat as if he’s going to kiss her, but then
he whispers in her ear.
NICK
You’re never going to be sure of
anything, but we still have to go
inside.
Just then, Kat’s mother appears.
BUNNY
(singing)
“Baby love, my baby love.”
A few BRITS dart looks at this very American display.
KAT
Please, Mom. This is not the time
to be yourself.
Bunny folds Kat and Nick into a drunken embrace. Bunny gives
Nick the once-over.
BUNNY
(to Nick)
And who might this be?
Kat’s mortified but Nick quickly saves her.
NICK
I’m the new guy.
(kissing Bunny)
It’s great to meet you.
Bunny throws Kat an unsubtle, “I’m impressed” look and leads
them into the party.
INT. LANESBOROUGH HOTEL
Bunny, Kat and Nick emerge into a sea of Burberry, floppy
hair, and unspoken judgments. Bunny turns to Nick and Kat,
all business.
BUNNY
This is a marathon, not a sprint.
After welcome cocktails, you’ve got
the hen party. Tomorrow, there’s a
picnic and the rehearsal dinner and
since you’ve conveniently left no
margin for jet lag--
(squeezing Kat’s cheek)
I need you to hydrate, baby.
Nick and Kat are stunned. Bunny hops away as Victor
approaches. Kat throws her arms around her stepfather.
KAT
Dad!
VICTOR
Hi, kiddo.
KAT
Meet Nick.
NICK
Sir.
They shake hands. Just then, Kat’s sister, Amy, dressed to
the nines, strikes a pose in the doorway.
AMY
I’m getting MARRIED!
As Kat and Amy squeal loudly and hug, Victor leans into Nick.
VICTOR
I find a good, strong drink helps.
Nick smiles, looks at Victor’s glass.
NICK
Can I get you a refill, sir?
Victor hands Nick the glass.
NICK (CONT’D)
(sniffing the glass)
I’m guessing MacCallum, 18 years.
(beat)
Neat, with a water-back.
VICTOR
Is there any other way to take it?
Nick heads toward the bar and Victor turns to Kat.
VICTOR (CONT’D)
Where’d you find this guy?
Kat smiles, appreciatively.
KAT
The Yellow Pages.
Victor laughs. Across the room, Bunny has found a
microphone. She taps a knife on the side of a glass to get
everyone’s attention.
BUNNY
Welcome, friends and family!
Then she taps the mic, which squeals.
ON KAT, panic stricken.
KAT
Sweet Jesus, who gave that woman an
amp?
ON BUNNY, drunk with happiness.
BUNNY
Victor and I would especially like
to thank our out-of-town guests for
coming to celebrate with us as we
welcome Edward and the Fletcher-
Wootens into our family.
THE CAMERA ID’s LYDIA and GEORGE FLETCHER-WOOTEN, 60’s.
George shifts uncomfortably. Lydia waves as though
addressing a room full of her subjects.
ON JEFFREY, searching the crowd for someone. His eyes land
on Kat. She doesn’t see him. He stares at her meaningfully.
BUNNY (CONT’D)
It’s funny. We always thought we’d
marry off Kat first. We came close
once, but that crashed and burned.
Nervous laughter from the crowd. Kat smiles through the
pain. Jeffrey winces sympathetically. His mind working, he
spots a piano nearby.
BUNNY (CONT’D)
Still, we had reason to hope. She
was always one of the more “active”
girls at the American school, and
that’s saying a lot.
Suddenly, a loud, lovely arpeggio from the piano. Bunny
looks over, surprised. Then she smiles.
ANGLE ON JEFFREY, sitting at the piano, playing.
BUNNY (CONT’D)
Okay, okay. I get the hint!
Anyway, imagine our surprise when
Ed moved in next door and fell in
love with...the girl next door.
Our Amy. Lucky for us, he had no
idea it was an unforgiveable
cliché.
(raising her glass)
A toast to the bride and groom to be.
Congratulations, babies!
Everyone claps as Jeffrey plays a final flourish.
INT. NEAR W.C. - LANESBOROUGH HOTEL - LATER
Kat is sneaking towards the ladies room when Jeffrey comes
out of the men’s room. Their eyes meet. Both stop dead.
Neither can find words or even a smile. Kat pretends that
seeing him isn’t a gut-punch, forces a silly grin.
KAT
Thanks for, you know, with the
piano.... It was really.... Hm.
(beat)
I have to pee.
Kat slithers past Jeffrey into the W.C.
INT. W.C. - LANESBOROUGH HOTEL
Kat wills her breath back. She turns on the water as if she
were washing her hands. Then she confronts herself in the
mirror and applies a coat of lipstick like she’s putting on a
suit of armor.
INT. NEAR W.C. - LANESBOROUGH HOTEL
Jeffrey, a dashing Brit, is not a man who likes to wait, but
wait he has. Kat emerges from the W.C. as if she hadn’t seen
him before.
KAT
Why, Jeffrey. Hello.
JEFFREY
Hello, Katmandu.
As Jeffrey kisses her on the cheek, Kat’s eyes close and she
takes in his smell. It’s like coming home. She doesn’t want
it to, but something inside her stirs.
JEFFREY (CONT’D)
You look well, Gorgeous.
All he has to do is look her in the eyes and her big plans
fly out the window. Kat blushes.
JEFFREY (CONT’D)
Seeing you again....
KAT
Yeah?
Just then, TJ, 30, Kat’s cousin, appears, wrapping Kat in a
hug. TJ’s deb-of-the-year perkiness is undercut by her
Longshoreman’s tongue.
TJ
Kat Ellis! We live two hundred
miles away from each other but I
have to fly all the way to London
to see you. You haven’t visited me
once in D.C. Where the hell have
you been? I have gynecologists
that call more often.
KAT
You have more than one gynecologist?
TJ
Sure. You’ve got to play them
against each other. Otherwise they
think you’re easy.
TJ turns on Jeffrey like she just realized he was there.
TJ (CONT’D)
Hey, asshole, since you dumped my
cousin brutally and without cause,
you won’t mind if I steal her away?
I have all kinds of interesting
things to tell her.
TJ darts Jeffrey a dirty look and drags Kat away.
INT. LANESBOROUGH HOTEL - CONTINUOUS
Arms locked, Kat and TJ rejoin the party.
KAT
You didn’t have to do that.
TJ
I wasn’t saving you from him. I
was saving you from yourself.
You’re too fucking nice.
KAT
Don’t worry. I’m so over him.
(beat)
By the way, do you know if he’s
seeing anyone?
They spot Nick talking to Bunny, surrounded by OCTOGENARIANS.
He doesn’t look the least bit lost. In fact, he’s charming
the Dockers off them.
TJ
Why waste ten more seconds on the
slimy limey when Mr. Tie-Me-Up-Tie-Me-
Down is waiting for you at the bar?
ANGLE ON NICK, listening patiently as Bunny pours her heart
out.
BUNNY
After Kat’s father died and I
married Victor, I was so desperate
for my little girl to love him. It
never occurred to me that she might
love him more.
ANGLE ON KAT AND TJ, still staring at Nick.
TJ
What’s he do anyway?
KAT
Therapist.
Just then, Nick looks up and gives Kat an intimate, “get over
here” look. TJ sighs audibly.
TJ
I think I just came.
INT. LANESBOROUGH HOTEL - LATER
Nick stands with Kat at the bar. The BARTENDER hands Kat a
drink.
AMY (O.S.)
Can I have that?
Kat looks over and sees Amy. She puts her drink on the bar,
but Amy can’t quite reach it from her stool. Amy makes an
exaggerated reaching gesture and whimpers.
Nick takes note as Kat slides the drink closer. Amy sips it
through the straw without picking it up.
AMY
You know what I love about all
this?
KAT
There’s finally a reason for the
whole world to revolve around you?
AMY
Exactly! Today’s my day. Tomorrow
will be my day. And the day after
that? My day.
As Amy gloats, Ed dances over. He’s a refreshingly
unaffected upper-class Brit.
ED
How’s the future Mrs.?
Amy kisses him on the lips.
AMY
Perfect. All ginny.
KAT
Except it’s Scotch.
AMY
(ignoring Kat)
But I’m not taking your name,
buster. I’m a feminist!
(shaking her drink)
I need icey! Mr. husband-man, get
me more icey!
ED
All right, then kiss me.
(she kisses him)
God, I’m a lucky sod.
Ed lifts Amy off the stool and spins her around. He does an
awkward dance move and steps on her toe.
AMY
See what happens when you put off
dance lessons til two days before
the wedding?
Ed looks to Nick for support.
ED
Who’s ever heard of dance lessons
for a wedding, honestly?
NICK
Um, just about everyone.
ED
You are taking the piss?
Ed looks to Kat, who shakes her head.
NICK
We’ll go with you guys tomorrow. I
suck too. It’ll be fun.
Amy kisses Nick’s cheek.
AMY
I don’t even know you, hunky-dunky,
and I love you already.
Kat throws Amy a dark look.
ED
(to no one)
Dance lessons. Right.
EXT. BALCONY - LANESBOROUGH HOTEL
Escaping, Nick steps outside and bumps into Jeffrey, who
teeters on the railing.
NICK
Hey.
JEFFREY
Oh, hello.
Jeffrey looks upset. Nick tries to break the ice.
NICK
A wedding is a sacrament...a joyous
celebration of love and commitment.
In Utopia. In the real world...
it’s an excuse to drink excessively
and say things you shouldn’t say.
JEFFREY
Ah, a philosopher.
NICK
Shrink, actually.
JEFFREY
Crikey.
NICK
What?
JEFFREY
Nothing, nothing.
NICK
No, tell me.
JEFFREY
You Yanks and your therapy. It’s
great.
(beat)
It’s all a bit too touchy-feely for
me.
A beat as Jeffrey watches the party. He sees Kat and Amy at
the bar and slowly turns to Nick. With difficulty, he begins
to unburden himself to his new therapist.
JEFFREY
It’s just, there’s this girl I care
for -- God, I suppose I could even
say I love her -- and the bugger
is, of course, she’s here with
someone else. Bollocks!
Nick hides his surprise as Jeffrey raises his glass in a
silent toast to his misery. Nick is just clinking glasses
with him when Kat appears and slips her arm in his.
KAT
Here you are.
Jeffrey is horrified. Stares at Nick, aghast.
JEFFREY
Hey, Kat.
KAT
Hey, yourself.
(to Nick)
I see you’ve met my ex.
They all stand there, awkwardly.
KAT (CONT’D)
Did I interrupt something?
Jeffrey looks desperately at Nick. Nick hesitates, then
covers.
NICK
I was just telling Jeffrey how we
met.
Kat gives Nick a confused look. Nick smiles warmly--
NICK (CONT’D)
The Knicks game? We both wanted
the last hot dog?
KAT
Oh, yeah.
(pointedly, to Jeffrey)
So we split it. You know, as in
“share.” People do that.
JEFFREY
You hate sports.
Kat squeezes Nick’s arm, adoringly.
KAT
Not when Nick explains them.
Jeffrey’s desperate to get out of there.
JEFFREY
(to Nick)
Right. I should be going. Good to
meet you. Perhaps I’ll see you at
the stag party. My place.
(to Kat)
You know the address.
Kat watches him rejoin the party.
KAT
Well, he looks miserable. What
were you talking about?
NICK
Love.
Kat and Nick walk back into the party.
INT. LANESBOROUGH HOTEL - CONTINUOUS
They walk arm and arm. After the confrontation with Jeffrey,
Kat’s excitement is almost manic.
KAT
Jeffrey knows love like he knows
macramé.
NICK
He was pretty drunk, but I think
he’s still crazy about you.
KAT
Of course he is. I’m here with my
new man.
(beat)
I love it! Your magic’s already
working. Let the suffering begin.
Nick stops Kat and faces her. He is quiet but intense.
NICK
The only one suffering here is you.
You need to stop worrying about
everyone else. You think you can
do that?
Kat takes a deep, calming breath.
KAT
No.
She turns and surveys the room, trying to calm down. But
then slowly her face begins to tense.
KAT
What did he say exactly? I mean,
you don’t think he wants me back?
NICK
I don’t know.
KAT
What does your gut say?
NICK
You’re too good for him.
EXT. ST. JOHN’S WOOD - LATER
Nick drives slowly down St. John’s Wood’s tree-lined main
street. Nick looks out the window as they pass a corner
market, a flower shop, pubs, restaurants.
EXT. ELLIS HOUSE - ST. JOHN’S WOOD
A charming period house in a row of identical houses. You’d
never know where the Americans lived but for a conspicuous
boat trailer parked in the driveway.
Victor and Bunny try to help Nick unload Kat’s many bags from
the taxi. He won’t let them. As Nick lugs the bags up the
driveway, he reads the name, “JACK SHIP,” off the back of the
dilapidated cabin cruiser.
INT. HALLWAY - ELLIS HOUSE
Nick struggles with Kat’s many bags as Kat’s parents escort
them upstairs. Kat stops by her bedroom door, doesn’t go in.
KAT
Well, here we are.
They stand there, awkwardly sandwiched into the small space.
NICK
(to Bunny and Victor)
Thanks again for having me.
BUNNY
Don’t be silly. It’s wonderful to
finally meet you. Although,
technically, I had no idea you
existed because when my daughter
turned twelve, she stopped talking
to me, except when she needed
money. So let me rephrase that.
It was nice to discover you existed
and then finally meet you all at
once. I love surprises.
VICTOR
Okay, Bun. That’s enough.
Kat gives them a look, but doesn’t open her bedroom door.
KAT
Where’s Nick sleeping?
BUNNY
Why, with you.
KAT
(not listening)
My mother has a rule about men and
women sleeping in the same room
without a ring in the picture. She
thinks it’s--
Kat puts her fingers up to do air quotes, then suddenly
realizes what her mother just said.
KAT (CONT’D)
Huh?
BUNNY
(twinkling at Nick)
I’m not as square as my daughter
thinks.
As Kat’s parents walk away, Bunny flirtatiously sidles up to
Victor and pulls him into their bedroom.
KAT
She must have drowned her rules in
the Chardonnay.
With that, Kat closes the door.
INT. KAT’S ROOM
The door CLICKS shut and the happy couple separates
instantly. Kat to one side of the room, Nick to the other.
Kat’s childhood bedroom has an aggressively floral decor.
KAT
Sorry about the creepy room. I
went through a painfully earnest
Laura-Ashley phase.
Kat takes a brown envelope out of her purse, opens it, and
removes A STACK OF HUNDREDS.
She hands the pile of money to Nick.
KAT
Count it. Six thousand even.
Nick doesn’t look at the money, just tucks it into his bag.
NICK
I trust you.
Kat almost lets it go, but then...
KAT
No, count it, anyway.
NICK
Why?
KAT
I’m compulsive and weird?
Nick humors her. Pulls out the stack of bills and counts it.
KAT (CONT’D)
Six thousand, right?
NICK
On the nose.
(beat)
I tell you what, because you’re so
cute, I’ll take care of our
incidentals.
KAT
How does it feel to get that much
money just for being you?
NICK
(wryly)
Great, with the occasional stabs of
shame. Now, listen, this covers
the weekend, but as we discussed,
if you want to be intimate, we talk
money before anything happens.
KAT
That won’t be an issue, believe me.
I find the idea of sex for money
morally repugnant.
(realizing)
No offense.
NICK
It’s okay. Hell, I’ve never paid
for it. But please don’t feel like
you have to explain yourself to me.
Kat walks over to an old dollhouse. Its rooms have been
gutted, their mini furnishings replaced with a teenager’s
cassette-tape collection.
Kat pulls out Guns and Roses’ “Appetite for Destruction” and
opens it. There’s no tape inside, just some nicotine
patches. Nick watches as she opens one up and slaps it on.
NICK
You quitting?
KAT
I’m desperate to start but I don’t
have an addictive personality.
Except for approval. That, I can’t
get enough of.
Nick notices an ‘80s poster of two guys with guitars, all big
hair and laser light shows.
NICK
Who are they?
KAT
Graham Russell and Russell
Hitchcock.
Nick thinks about those names for a second, then his face
twists.
NICK
Air Supply?
Embarrassed, Kat hastily rips down the poster and stuffs it
in the closet.
KAT
My parents had a German exchange
student a few years back.... He
must have left it here.
Nick hides a smile as Kat ducks into the bathroom.
INT. KAT’S BATHROOM
Kat has left the door open a crack as she gets ready for a
shower. Unbeknownst to her, Nick watches from the bed,
enjoying the ritual.
KAT
(quietly)
Everyone knows their greatest hits
but some of their lesser-known
ballads are surprisingly poignant.
Inexplicably, Kat stands on her tiptoes as she looks into the
mirror. It’s a little thing, maybe the tiles are cold, but
it gives her an innocence that makes Nick smile.
KAT
What?
NICK
It’s cute.
KAT
What is?
NICK
You stand on your tiptoes.
KAT
I do?
Kat looks down, she never noticed before.
NICK
Is it an old habit from ballet
class or a childhood spent walking
on eggshells?
She throws him a glance, impressed with the sharpness of his
mind.
KAT
I never took ballet.
She smiles and kicks the door closed with her foot.
INT. KAT’S ROOM - LATER
Nick hangs up his tux. It’s definitely not a rental. Kat
comes out of the bathroom, drying her hair with a towel.
KAT
Have you ever done anything like
this before?
NICK
A weekend?
KAT
A wedding.
Nick thinks about that. Kat wonders what’s taking him so
long.
NICK
No. Though strangely, I’ve done
quite a few funerals.
Kat makes a face.
NICK (CONT’D)
Not the way you’re thinking. The
women wanted me there for support.
You can understand that.
KAT
I think that’s disgusting.
Kat immediately backpedals.
KAT (CONT’D)
Not you. You’re not disgusting.
You’re lovely. Just the idea that
they’d bring an escort. I mean, a
stranger who, um, didn’t...who
never.... I mean, someone’s dead.
NICK
That’s right. Imagine facing it
alone.
Kat blanches.
KAT
Sorry. I’m a little nervous. I
never thought something like this
would happen to me.
NICK
This happened to you?
KAT
Well, happen, in the sense that I
picked up the phone, tracked you
down, flew you here and gave you
six grand out of my 401K.
Nick laughs at her. Kat pulls something out of her purse.
KAT (CONT’D)
Can I ask you something?
Nick sees what she’s unfolding. It’s a crinkled New Yorker
article. The artsy photo shows the FACE OF A MAN, blurred
against a neon cityscape. The title: “Discretion Assured:
Diary of a Male Escort.”
NICK
How did you know that was me?
KAT
I have a friend at the magazine.
NICK
(sharply)
Your “friend” guaranteed my
anonymity.
KAT
If it makes you feel any better, to
get your number, I had to cough up
two round-trip tickets to Amsterdam
and a case of mini-Baileys.
Nick shakes his head at her and pulls off his shirt. Kat
instinctively looks away.
NICK
You can look. It’s part of the
package.
Kat can’t tell if he’s joking. She sneaks a look as Nick
disappears into the shower. Wow. Kat looks down at the
papers in her hand. She moves towards the bathroom but at
the last minute, shies away.
NICK (O.S.)
Would you grab my shampoo?
KAT
Shampoo, got it!
Kat grabs the shampoo and rushes into the bathroom.
INT. KAT’S BATHROOM
Without looking in the shower, Kat hands him the shampoo and
hurries out, way too quickly. Nick peeks out of the shower
curtain. She’s gone. He shakes his head and closes the
curtain. Suddenly, Kat reappears. She stands by the door.
KAT
The part where you were a sexual
surrogate and then started to, um,
freelance. Is that really how it
happened?
Kat pretends to straighten things up as she moves closer to
the shower.
NICK
The real story is that my mother
was a hippie. And a stripper. She
was insanely inappropriate with me.
She used to wash her lingerie in my
bathwater. While I was still in
the bath.
KAT
Oh, no.
NICK
Yeah. As an adult, I needed to find
some way to experience intimacy and
sex, but with rules that couldn’t be
violated.
Kat’s totally engrossed now. She closes the toilet lid and
sits down.
KAT
Wow.
Nick pokes his head out.
NICK
Yeah.
Nick sees that Kat’s heartbroken for him, feels bad.
NICK (CONT’D)
I’m just screwing with you.
Kat throws a towel at him.
KAT
You shit!
NICK
I have a different story for every
woman who asks. I look at her and
figure out what she needs to hear
to feel okay about being with me.
KAT
And you thought I’d respond to the
hippie stripper with no boundaries?
NICK
Admit it. You were disturbed, but
ultimately moved.
Kat gives him a dirty look, then examines the article again.
KAT
This part here. You say, and I
quote. “Each woman has the exact
love life she wants.”
(beat)
That seems like a pretty broad
generalization.
Nick steps out of the shower. Kat, her eyes at the level of
his manhood, covers her subtle jaw-drop. Nick wraps a towel
around his waist as Kat tries to pull it together. She looks
down at the article, tapping it indignantly--
KAT (CONT’D)
So...what was I...oh, yeah. Do you
honestly think that I want to be
single and miserable? That I want
to be obsessed with some asshole
who led me on for years then -- out
of the blue -- shattered my heart.
NICK
First of all, it’s never out of the
blue. And second of all--
Nick levels his gaze at her.
NICK (CONT’D)
Yes.
KAT
What?!
NICK
When you’re ready to let go, to be
unsingle and unmiserable, you will.
Until then....
Nick shrugs and walks out of the room.
INT. STAIRWELL - ELLIS HOUSE - LATER
Nick and Kat walk downstairs, ready for a night out. Kat’s
wearing an over-the-top sexy golf outfit -- pleated mini
skirt, tight white oxford, plaid vest. On the bottom step,
Kat stops short.
KAT
(quietly)
Is it always women?
Nick looks at her like she’s crazy.
NICK
Are you asking me if I’m gay for
pay?
KAT
I guess so.
NICK
What do you think?
Nick confronts her. She takes him in.
KAT
Got it.
INT. SITTING ROOM - ELLIS HOUSE
Victor reads a book as Bunny scratches hieroglyphics on a
white board featuring an elaborate chart of information. Kat
and Nick enter, see the chart.
KAT
(to Nick)
Mom’s refining her strategy for DDay.
BUNNY
I’m sure General Eisenhower never
had to master the finer points of
the seating chart and centerpieces.
(pointing proudly)
Oh, and tomorrow afternoon you are
carpooling to the country with the
Fletcher-Wootens.
KAT
Sir, yes, sir!
She turns on her heel like a soldier, walks to Victor, and
holds out her hand,
BUNNY
Make sure you show Nick Regents
Park.
(winking)
It’s romantic at night.
Victor doesn’t look up, just pulls the car keys out of his
pocket and tosses them past Kat to Nick.
VICTOR
Better him on the wrong side of the
road than you behind the wheel.
Kat huffs grumpily and they head out.
EXT. ELLIS HOUSE - NIGHT
Kat and Nick walk toward the car.
KAT
So, um. What about testing?
Nick opens Kat’s door for her.
NICK
There’s a guy on 81st and Madison.
You get your results in 24 hours.
(beat)
Do you make your lovers get tested
before you sleep with them?
KAT
My sixth-grade science project was
entitled, “Love Hurts: The
Heartbreak of Human Papillomavirus.”
Trust me, I’m careful.
Kat gets in the car and Nick shuts her door.
INT./EXT. CAR - LATER
Nick drives while Kat navigates. They crawl down a small
street, which bustles with activity. PATRONS of London’s
many pubs spill out onto the pavement.
NICK
I love that you’re asking
questions, but do you really want
to get into all of this?
KAT
This is awkward for me.
(beat)
Talking about it makes me feel
better.
Nick looks over at Kat, who gets quiet. She picks at nothing
on her skirt. The TICK TICK TICK of the indicator fills the
silence as Nick changes lanes.
NICK
Hey.
Kat looks at him.
NICK (CONT’D)
Don’t stop asking questions, okay?
KAT
Okay.
Kat smiles, but stays quiet. Then--
KAT (CONT’D)
Do you pay taxes?
EXT. QUIET SIDE-STREET - CONTINUOUS
Nick holds the door open for Kat as she gets out.
NICK
(with a laugh)
I swear. I don’t have a signature
move.
KAT
Oh, come on. You’re like the Yoda
of escorts.
KAT(cont'd)
Getting you on the phone was harder
than getting into college.
Nick turns off the car, gets out, walks around, and opens the
door for Kat. She gets out and stands by the door.
NICK
I don’t have gimmicks or play
games. It’s way more...
Nick rubs two fingers together, he can’t think of the word.
KAT
Subtle?
NICK
I disappear. It’s not about me.
It’s about you.
Nick is standing very, very close to Kat now. She didn’t
even see him move but there he is.
NICK (CONT’D)
It’s hard to explain.
KAT
Show me.
Nick shakes his head.
KAT (CONT’D)
Come on.
NICK
I’ve got this bad taste in my
mouth. What is it? I think it’s
the words: “morally repugnant.”
Kat tugs urgently on his waist.
KAT
Show me.
Nick doesn’t say anything for a moment. Then he pushes her
up against the car. It’s a gentle movement, but firm. Kat
breathes in sharply from the power of it.
NICK
Close your eyes.
Kat’s hesitant. She looks around the empty parking lot but
Nick takes her cheek and guides her eyes to his.
NICK (CONT’D)
Close your eyes.
She does. Nick leans in close and begins whispering into her
ear with a hypnotic intensity.
NICK (CONT’D)
I’m not going to kiss you. You can
relax. You’re safe.
Nick takes Kat’s head in his hands and moves his lips across
the contours of her face. It’s incredibly intimate. His
mouth hovers over hers but their lips don’t touch. They
breathe each other in.
NICK (CONT’D)
I’m not going to kiss you. Trust
me. All you have to do is listen
to my voice.
Kat’s body starts to relax. Slowly, she slumps back against
the car.
NICK (CONT’D)
He’s going to be so sorry he let
you go.
He moves his lips across her eyelids.
NICK (CONT’D)
He’ll look at you with your sexy
dress and your perfect date but it
won’t matter because it’s not about
him. It’s about you.
As Nick slowly talks, he moves his lips across Kat’s
forehead, then her cheek, then her nose:
NICK (CONT’D)
I want you to let go of the hurt.
...the insecurity...the past. When
you do, he’ll see you the way I see
you, and, in that moment, he’ll
finally understand what he lost.
Nick tips Kat’s chin towards him. She opens her eyes. Nick
is suddenly serious.
NICK (CONT’D)
But by then, the amazing thing
is...you won’t care.
Kat shudders, and gradually comes to. Her eyes are lazy, she
feels off balance.
KAT
Holy crap. You’re worth every
penny.
Nick gives her a half smile.
NICK
You better get going.
Kat is turned on and can’t seem to move.
KAT
Okay, Yoda.
Silence.
NICK
Go.
Nick turns Kat around and points her toward the bar next
door. Wearing an almost dopey look of pleasure, she adjusts
her underwear, and stumbles towards the bar. A sly smile
creeps across her lips as we...
CUT TO:
A LINE OF TWENTY SHOTS BEING SET AFLAME. WIDEN TO REVEAL --
INT. THE COCK & BOTTLE
Kat passes out the shots to a pack of WOMEN all wearing
hybrid golf-slut outfits: ass-tight polo shirts and plaid
Capri pants abound. It’s “Society Girls Gone Wild.”
KAT
Yo, ladies! Listen up! The bride
has made the foolhardy and perhaps
fatal request, that we play Pub
Golf tonight.
(holding up a shot)
Behold hole one. There’s a twostroke
penalty for failure to
finish a hole and a three-stroke
penalty for barfing. Yell “Fore!”
before you barf and it’s only two
strokes.
The girls are scared shitless.
KAT (CONT’D)
We’ve got eight more holes waiting at
eight more bars, so in the name of
all things sacred, pace yourselves!
(raising her shot)
To Amy!
Amy loves the attention.
AMY
To me!
Cheering, the girls blow out their shots and do their best to
down them in one go. Just then, Nick walks in.
All eyes are drawn to him. The WORLD SLOWS as he beelines
for Kat. He hands Kat her purse.
NICK
I thought you might need this.
Kat gives Nick a shy smile.
KAT
Silly me, where was my head?
Kat can’t help noticing that the group of girls has subtly
clustered around Nick.
TJ
Stay. Have a fiery drink with us.
NICK
I don’t know....
A SMITTEN GIRL puts a drink in Nick’s hand.
SMITTEN GIRL
Stay.
Nick looks to Kat, she smiles. Amy furrows her brow
theatrically. Unfortunately, no one sees her.
INT. THE COCK & BOTTLE - LATER
Nick is surrounded by women and completely at ease. Amy’s
drunk and pouty. TJ stands between Kat and Amy. Oblivious
to the brewing tension, she’s eating beer nuts and staring at
Nick.
TJ
It’s like the director’s cut of “9
1/2 Weeks.”
She pops a nut in her mouth.
TJ (CONT’D)
The thing about Nick is, you’re
either looking at him, or you’re
pretending not to.
(beat)
Me? I’m looking.
(to Amy)
Can you believe Kat gets to sleep
with this guy?
Amy sneers. TJ turns back to Kat.
TJ (CONT’D)
Honestly, you should send God a
bottle of wine or a muffin basket.
TJ clinks glasses with Kat. Kat appreciates the attention.
Amy appreciates it less. She suddenly wails.
AMY
Why is he still here?!
This snaps Kat out of her reverie. She scurries into problemsolving
mode.
KAT
Oh, sorry. You’re right. Girls
only.
Kat turns and throws Nick a look. Nick, ever sensitive to
nuances, easily catches the hint and puts on his coat to go.
NICK
Ladies, thank you for granting me
this rare glimpse into a timeless
female ritual.
(raising his glass)
To the husbands who won you, the
losers who lost you, and to the
lucky bastards who have yet to meet
you.
They all clink glasses. Kat beams, until...
AMY
(sour)
And to the cock in the hen house.
Nick kisses Kat on the cheek and smoothly departs. They all
watch him walk out. TJ is still watching the door, as if
Nick’s essence has lingered.
TJ
I can’t believe you met him first.
It’s so depressing. Somebody buy
my wooha a drink.
Kat raises her drink to TJ’s nether region.
KAT
To TJ’s lady business. And to Amy!
GUYS (O.S.)
To Ed!
INT. JEFFREY’S FLAT - SAME
A DOZEN MEN down their shots. Jeffrey immediately refills
their glasses with tequila. Alcohol and alpha abound. Nick
walks in the front door. He takes off his suit coat and
tries not to feel like the chaperone at a frat party.
Over by the bar, Jeffrey stands with Ed, eyeing Nick.
JEFFREY
What’s his problem?
ED
What?
JEFFREY
There’s something about him that’s
just a bit odd.
ED
Other than, he’s shagging your exgirlfriend?
JEFFREY
No, that’s not it.
Jeffrey pours Ed another drink.
JEFFREY (CONT’D)
You are a tosser.
Jeffrey’s suddenly emotional.
JEFFREY (CONT’D)
Remember when we went hiking in the
lake district and Amy was wearing
that little bikini thing.
ED
No.
JEFFREY
It was before you started going
out. We had lunch at that inn on
the lake.
ED
Oh, yes. Right. The Rat and
Parrot.
JEFFREY
And Kat was fully clothed.
ED
But, somehow, it was Kat’s arse
that was stung by nettles. And you
rubbed it with a dandelion leaf.
JEFFREY
That’s when I realized I wanted to
be a doctor.
ED
Oh, shut up. You’re an optician.
JEFFREY
Lasik surgeon, actually.
Jeffrey takes a thoughtful sip of beer.
JEFFREY (CONT’D)
I didn’t deserve her back then.
ED
And you do now?
Jeffrey looks genuinely pained, then something dawns on him.
JEFFREY
Maybe I hate women.
Nick appears.
NICK
All women or just the two-legged
ones who steal your money, screw
your friends, and vacuum during the
World Cup?
Jeffrey laughs. He has no idea Nick is making fun of him.
ED
Jeff was just reminiscing about
your girlfriend’s backside.
Ed crosses away and Jeffrey glances nervously at Nick.
JEFFREY
Look, the thing is. About that
love-of-my-life nonsense. I would
appreciate it if you didn’t say
anything to Kat. It was silly.
It’s all rather complicated.
Nick is about to respond when the music CRESCENDOS and a
STRIPPER strides in from the back room. Spotting Ed, Jeffrey
clothes-lines him and drags him off into a chorus of GUYH
OWLS and CHEERS.
INT. WOODY’S WATERING HOLE - LATER
The bachelorette-party girls CHEER as they down drink number
seven at bar number seven, an Australian outback-themed pub.
Things have gone way downhill -- or uphill -- depending on
how you look at it.
Kat sits at the bar. In the background, Amy dances drunkenly
with TJ. WOODY, the dorky, sexy Australian bartender,
appears behind the bar with a drink for Kat.
WOODY
This one’s on the house.
Kat grabs his sleeve.
KAT
I’m worried. Amy’s not good at
drinking. She gets sooo drunk sooo
fast. Does free alcohol get you
less drunk or more drunker?
(to herself)
Is it ‘drunker’ or ‘drunker-er’?
WOODY
Just drunk enough.
Woody dumps out the free drink and exchanges it with a bottle
of water.
WOODY (CONT’D)
If you switch now, you might be
able to stand up for the ceremony.
Kat looks at him for the first time and realizes she knows
him.
KAT
Woody?
Woody just smiles.
WOODY
“Not yet...”
KAT
“...but it’s getting there. “
Kat clumsily lunges across the bar to hug him, knocking over
a bottle of beer, which Woody deftly catches.
KAT (CONT’D)
I thought you were living in San
Francisco. Or was it Nepal?
WOODY
Close. Sydney. Turns out, I
missed the rain.
They take each other in. Her smile is bleary.
KAT (CONT’D)
You look so much better.
Woody’s trying not to feel shy around Kat.
KAT (CONT’D)
Is this what you’re doing?
Bartending?
(beat)
Not that it’s not great. It’s
just, you used to have dreams and
plans.
Woody proudly points to Kat’s cocktail napkin. It says,
WOODY’S WATERING HOLE.
KAT (CONT’D)
Whoa! Good for you!
Woody’s weighing something. He decides to say it.
WOODY
I always wondered what happened
with us.
KAT
(taken aback)
I haven’t thought about that in
years.
Just then, Amy comes up behind Kat.
AMY
Did Kat tell you she dumped you
because of your funky breath?
KAT
Did Amy tell you she keeps her
Homecoming tiara by the bed?
To Kat’s annoyance, Amy laughs.
KAT (CONT’D)
She’s drunk. -er than me. But I
didn’t really dump you, did I?
WOODY
Hard.
Woody smiles, sweetly.
WOODY (CONT’D)
Which was understandable -- you
were one of the hottest girls at
the American School, but I sort of
thought you‘d be nicer...at least
tell me why...’cause we were
friends first.
Kat’s on the spot. Embarrassed. Amy’s drunk-dancing and
mumbling to herself.
AMY
And we know Kat was the hottest expat
in school because she was voted
Best Eyes, Brightest Smile, and Most
Likely to Age Well. No, wait. That
was me. Never mind.
Kat can’t take it.
KAT
Christ, Amy.
AMY
Oh, shut up and be happy. It’s always
this or that. You’re never happy, you
frowny-faced Grumplestilskin.
KAT
Drunk isn’t the same thing as
happy, Amy.
They both know they’re serious but Amy pouts and throws her
arms around Kat.
AMY
You’re my half sister, but I whole
love you.
Kat’s furious but she forces a smile.
KAT
Why don’t you get my half sister
her seventh hole?
AMY
Bacardi 151.
Woody disappears just as Amy teeters and catches herself on
the bar.
KAT
Are you okay?
Amy’s drunkenness turns. Tears well up in her eyes.
AMY
I don’t think I can go through with
this.
KAT
Pub Golf?
AMY
The wedding.
(loud whisper)
I am so, so bad! I don’t think I
should be allowed to get married.
Kat is blindsided.
KAT
What are you talking about?
Then, as quickly as she went into the darkness, Amy pops out.
She yells over to TJ.
AMY (CONT’D)
TJ! Virginia Slim!
TJ comes dancing up, hands Amy a cigarette and a lighter. The
crowd watches as Amy puts the cigarette in her lips, pours
the shot into TJ’s open mouth and lights it on fire with her
lighter. Then she leans over and LIGHTS HER CIGARETTE ON THE
FLAMES COMING OUT OF TJ’S MOUTH.
The bar erupts in CHEERS but Kat is left worried, troubled by
Amy’s confession. A beat, then she downs her shot.
EXT. ED’S HOUSE - LATER
The cheers ECHO in the night as Nick helps Ed walk towards
his house. Ed navigates the pavement like it’s made of
water. They reach the front door.
NICK
(propping Ed up)
You’re okay. You got it.
Ed wobbles, then stands up by himself. Nick unlocks the
door.
ED
Just because some slag’s been paid
for, doesn’t mean you’ve got
to...you know.
NICK
It’s been my experience that the
people who hire a prostitute, need
a prostitute.
(beat)
You did the right thing.
Ed blinks at Nick.
ED
I think I love you, mate.
(beat)
How do you know so much about so
much?
NICK
I’m a hooker.
Ed bursts out laughing, pats him on the back, and walks into
his house.
EXT./INT. LONDON STREET [DRIVING] - LATER
The bachelorette girls ride home in “The Pub Prowler.” It’s
a senior citizen med-van that’s been pimped out with a full
bar and an all-shag-all-the-time interior.
The girls are drunk and rowdy. Kat climbs up behind the
DRIVER and taps her on the shoulder.
KAT
Can you pull over at the next seven
ATMs?
The Driver gives Kat a dubious look, then pulls up to a bank.
ATM MONTAGE:
EXT. STREET [VARIOUS]
--Kat jumps out of The Pub Prowler and clumsily slots her ATM
card into the machine.
--Kat checks her lipstick in The mirrored security camera of
a different ATM machine then flips through a stack of credit
cards. She pulls out a different card and slips it in.
--ECU on screen: MAXIMUM WITHDRAWAL £200. Kat’s at another
ATM. In the Prowler, a couple of girls heckle passers-by as
Kat rifles through her cards, desperate for some un-maxed
plastic.
--The Prowler drops off a couple more girls. Kat walks back
from an ATM and gets in.
EXT. TJ’S HOTEL - NIGHT
Kat and Amy wave at TJ as she trips out of the Prowler and
stumbles towards her hotel. TJ waves back with a bright,
happy smile--
TJ
That was awesome! How much do we
rock?
(beat)
Fore!
She whips around and throws up in a topiary. In the Prowler,
Amy and Kat wince. TJ whips back up.
TJ (CONT’D)
I WIN!
She waves at Kat and Amy and trots past the STOIC DOORMAN,
who holds the door open for her.
EXT. ELLIS HOUSE
Kat and Amy stand in the driveway. They watch as the Prowler
pulls away. Amy is about to head next door, when she turns
to Kat.
AMY
It was a great party. Thank you.
Amy reaches out to hug Kat. Kat wasn’t expecting the hug and
it’s awkward. Amy senses it and pulls away.
KAT
Do you want to come in for a minute?
We could talk about--
AMY
When I freaked out at the pub?
(she hiccups)
That was nothing, just nerves.
Don’t worry about it.
KAT
But I do. I will. You’re my
sister.
With a post-Bacardi 151 suddenness, Amy’s face contorts with
shame. She recoils, an angry tear running down her face.
AMY
God, Kat! Please. Don’t be nice to
me. I can take anything right now
but you being nice to me.
KAT
(wildly confused)
What? Why? What do you mean?
Amy is suddenly in terrible distress.
AMY
I should get going.
KAT
Are you sure you’re okay?
AMY
I’m fine. I promise.
Kat wants to say more but Amy is already walking away. Kat
turns towards the house and just catches the light shutting
off in her upstairs room.
INT. HALL - ELLIS HOUSE
Kat shuts the front door. She leans against it for a moment
to get her balance, clear her head.
INT. KITCHEN - ELLIS HOUSE
Kat sits at the kitchen table, a glass of water in front of
her. She downs three aspirin and stares into the darkness.
INT. HALL - ELLIS HOUSE - LATER
Kat starts up the stairs. The first step CREAKS loudly.
Remembering countless school-age sneak-ins, Kat flattens her
foot against the back of each step and soundlessly walks up
the stairs.
INT. KAT’S ROOM - ELLIS HOUSE
Nick is asleep in Kat’s bed, bare-chested under a single
sheet.
The CAMERA FINDS Kat standing with her back to the door,
staring at Nick. Nick stirs, opens his eyes, and rises onto
one arm.
NICK
You okay?
Kat walks to him, takes his hand.
KAT
(whispering)
Shhhh.
EXT. DRIVEWAY - ELLIS HOUSE
Kat leads Nick down the driveway towards the BOAT TRAILER.
On it, the twenty-six-foot CABIN CRUISER with peeling paint.
Kat unbuttons the weathered cover and peels it back. She
climbs up a ladder and hoists herself into the boat. Nick
smiles at the strangeness of this, then climbs in after her.
INT. BOAT
In the cabin, Kat flicks a couple of switches and a row of
lights flicker on. She flicks another switch and a piercing
sea-horn BLARES the “William Tell Overture.” She scrambles
to turn it off and checks the house for activity. A dog
BARKS in the distance.
Relieved, Kat pushes a tape into an old radio. MUSIC limps
through hollow speakers.
Kat leads Nick into the cabin and onto the bed. Without
taking her eyes off him, Kat starts to slowly undress. Her
shirt drops to the floor. Then, a moment later, her skirt.
Kat breathes deeply then reaches behind her back and flicks
open her bra. We watch Kat’s face as she lets it fall to the
floor. Kat is indeed a woman who doesn’t do naked -- this is
killing her.
On the bed, Nick doesn’t say anything, just watches. Kat
wants to read something into his stare. Longing, desire,
anything. But he’s utterly inscrutable. It’s both unnerving
and extremely sexy.
Kat steels herself and removes her underwear. She loses her
nerve momentarily and pulls them up again. Finally, she
slips them off and tries not to laugh as she scurries onto
the bed.
Hovering lazily in the waking dream of interrupted sleep,
Nick gazes at Kat. In a trick of light, the cabin windows
glow liquid, as though the moon were reflecting off water.
Nick runs his hand across Kat’s waist. She’s trying to hold
back. He knows it and likes it. He takes her face in his
hands and kisses her. It’s amazing. A different kind of
kiss. They pull back and look at each other.
In one swift movement, he flips Kat underneath him.
Suddenly, the space between them collapses and they attack
each other.
EXT. DRIVEWAY - ELLIS HOUSE - DAWN
Kat’s house beams in the scarlet light of dawn. Two BIN-MEN
walk down the driveway toward the bins. They grab three bins
and drag them noisily past the boat parked in the driveway.
INT. BOAT
CLOSE ON Kat and Nick, asleep, their faces pressed up against
each other.
We PULL BACK to reveal Kat and Nick entwined, naked. We PULL
BACK further to reveal that they’re covered with a fleece
blanket and a pile of life vests.
Nick opens his eyes and looks at Kat, who is as calm and
content as we’ve seen her. Then, he realizes where he is.
It’s like waking up in a strange hotel room, only weirder
because it’s a boat...in a driveway...in London.
Nick carefully extricates himself and begins to dress. We’ve
seen this scene a thousand times before, but Nick’s escape is
breathtakingly precise and practiced.
EXT. DRIVEWAY - ELLIS HOUSE
Nick climbs down the ladder of the boat just as the Bin-Men
are returning the empty bins beside the garage. Nick gives
them a nod.
NICK
Morning.
The guys nod back and finish their job as Nick sneaks toward
the house.
INT. KITCHEN - ELLIS HOUSE
Victor and Bunny sit at the kitchen table. Victor’s buried
in the International Herald Tribune crossword puzzle. Bunny
looks out the window and sees Nick creeping towards the
house, shoes in hand.
BUNNY
She still thinks we don’t know
about the boat thing.
Victor looks up from his paper. He sees Nick, snorts, and
goes back to his crossword.
INT. BOAT - LATER
Kat’s eyes flutter open. Her hair is plastered into an
impromptu quasi-beehive. She looks down at her “pillow.”
It’s a buoy.
Kat suddenly sits bolt upright. She grabs a life vest to
cover her naked chest and looks around in horror. Then her
eyes widen as she remembers the rest of the night.
EXT. DRIVEWAY - ELLIS HOUSE
Kat slinks towards the house, retreading Nick’s walk of
shame.
INT. KITCHEN - ELLIS HOUSE
Victor looks up from his paper and sees Kat.
EXT. DRIVEWAY - ELLIS HOUSE
Kat’s almost to the house when she hears a loud, POUNDING.
She looks up to see HER FATHER tapping on the window and
laughing at her. Kat’s mortified, but can’t help smiling.
She waves and keeps walking.
CUT TO:
INT. KAT’S ROOM
Kat looks around frantically for something. She finds her
purse and checks to see if the ATM money is still there. It
is. She breathes a sigh of relief, then, hearing footsteps,
hastily stuffs the wad back in.
Nick opens the door, carrying a breakfast-in-bed tray. Kat
spins around, guiltily.
NICK
I wasn’t sure what works for you,
so I’ve got a pack of Saltines, a
bottle of Pedialyte -- preferred by
infants and rock stars -- an eggand-
cheese sandwich, a black
coffee, and a Bloody Mary.
Kat slumps onto the bed. She hasn’t gotten her land legs
back yet.
KAT
This is really sweet of you, but I
need to ask you something.
(desperately)
What happened last night?
Nick is taken aback. He sets down the tray. He’s not sure
what to say, then makes a decision.
NICK
Nothing.
Kat looks surprised, then skeptical.
KAT
Are you sure?
NICK
We kissed. Made out a little.
Then you passed out.
She stares at him long and hard.
KAT
Whether it’s true or not, thank
you.
Kat disappears and Nick bites into a Saltine as the shower
HISSES on. Then something catches his eye. It’s Kat’s purse
lying next to the bed. Stuffed on top,
A WAD OF MONEY. His brow furrows, Nick picks it up and leafs
through the stack of pounds and euros.
INT. KAT’S BATHROOM
In the shower, Kat lets the scorching water punish and purify
her.
NICK (O.S.)
What’s this?
Startled, Kat peeks her head out of the shower curtain and
sees Nick holding the pile of money.
KAT
Oh. Shoot. I--
She retreats into the shower, yanking the curtain closed.
KAT (CONT’D)
(mouthing words)
Shit! Shit! Shit!
Nick pulls open the curtain and Kat instantly stops her
pantomimed self-flagellation.
NICK
Is this for last night?
KAT
Of course not. How...how could it
be? Nothing happened.
NICK
If I was going to charge you, I
would have told you beforehand. I
thought I explained that.
Naked in front of Nick, Kat is trying not to flinch.
KAT
I didn’t want you to think I was
expecting anything to be free or
that I was expecting something at
all. Well, clearly I was expecting
something or I wouldn’t have
stopped at all those ATMs on the
way home.
(beat)
By the way, would it have been
enough? I mean, if something had
happened. Which it didn’t?
Kat wants to slip down the drainpipe. Nick looks at her,
considers his words carefully.
NICK
Don’t they have a limit at those
machines?
KAT
(quietly)
Not if you take an advance on your
credit card.
Now Nick has to really try to stifle a laugh. Nick puts the
money on the sink. He goes to leave, then turns back.
NICK
You’re three hundred short.
With that, he walks out. In the shower, Kat gently bangs her
head against the tile. She looks down and notices something.
KAT
And my Brazilian wax looks like...
Brazil.
(resting against the tile)
Awesome.
INT. KITCHEN - ELLIS HOUSE
Nick and Victor are eating breakfast, the newspaper spread
out between them. Victor’s still working on the crossword
puzzle.
VICTOR
What’s a four letter word for
daughter defiler?
(beat, writing it in)
Oh. N-I-C-K.
Before Nick can react--
VICTOR (CONT’D)
You a boating man, son?
Victor’s expression is inscrutable. Nick weighs his options
and then--
NICK
I am now, sir.
VICTOR
(laughing)
At least somebody’s using the damn
thing.
(beat)
I was gonna fix her up but we took
one trip and the kids fought so
much, we never launched her again.
Just then, Kat walks in with an air of feigned nonchalance.
KAT
That’s not true. We checked for
leaks a few years back.
(kisses her father)
Good morning.
VICTOR
Ahoy!
Kat throws him a look. He chuckles. As Nick gets up to get
himself some orange juice, Kat corners him behind the
refrigerator door.
KAT
(hushed)
So you’re telling me. If something
had happened last night...it would
have cost me fourteen hundred
dollars? That’s a down payment on
a Ford Focus!
NICK
Not dollars. Pounds.
Nick pours a glass of juice and offers it to Kat. Kat shakes
her head.
NICK
My rate isn’t arbitrary. It was
determined by prevailing market
conditions. By the way, it
includes oral. That’s the extra
three hundred.... Pounds.
He smiles and sips his juice. She is outraged by his
presumption--
KAT
And what if I didn’t want you
to...to do that to me?
NICK
No, no. The three hundred is for
you doing it to me.
KAT
What?
NICK
Believe me, if anything had
happened, that would have been one
of the highlights. For you.
KAT
But nothing did.
NICK
Yup. That’s why you get to keep
your money.
Nick walks away. Sits down next to Victor. Kat glares
daggers at him. Nick smiles and toasts her with his juice.
Just then, Amy enters in a flurry of cheerfulness, as if last
night never happened. Bunny follows, carrying a clipboard.
AMY
Hey, Ginger! Hey, Gilligan! How
much do I love all this? I’m going
to get divorced and remarried over
and over again so it’ll last
forever. Kat, be a sweetie, and go
help with the rings. No way
Jeffrey’s going to get it right.
Amy breezes out.
KAT
(to no one)
I’d be happy to. You’re welcome.
BUNNY
Oh, don’t be that way.
VICTOR
(sticking up for Kat)
Come on, Bun. Leave her alone.
BUNNY
(to Kat)
It’s not always about you, sweetie.
Kat’s stung. Nick watches out of the corner of his eye.
KAT
How could you say that? Of course
it’s not about me. It’s never
about me when she’s in the room
because you two are on a special
team. You might as well have Tshirts
made up.
Kat lowers her voice.
KAT (CONT’D)
I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m
being so sensitive. I just get
tired of being odd man out.
Bunny looks over at Victor.
BUNNY
Tell me about it.
Bunny squeezes Kat’s cheek and kisses her.
BUNNY (CONT’D)
Oh honey, it’s not that I love Amy
more. It’s that she lets me love
her.
This flip comment hits Kat hard.
BUNNY (CONT’D)
(obliviously)
I’m off. Ta-ta!
As Bunny walks out, Victor raises an eyebrow, then goes back
to his crossword. Kat stands a moment, feeling awkward.
KAT
(to Nick)
Okay, then. I’ll catch up with you
at the dance thing.... Sweetie.
Nick gives Kat a casual nod. She exits. Behind the BUSINESS
section, Nick’s face is a mask. Then he smiles. This girl
is nuts.
A door BUZZES.
INT. JEWELRY STORE - ST. JOHN’S WOOD
Kat enters and approaches SAL, 60, a tough-talking, Cockney
teddy bear.
KAT
Hey, Sal.
SAL
I heard you were back in town,
kitty cat. You’re here for the
highland flings, I bet.
KAT
I get all the glamour jobs.
He smiles and heads into the back. Kat casually looks into
the counter. Her face is blank as she scans row after row of
engagement rings.
Sal reemerges with two ring boxes. Kat takes the rings and
smiles.
KAT (CONT’D)
Thanks, Sally.
She turns to go.
SAL
The one I made for you is the
cherries. You hang onto it or give
it back?
KAT
Give it back? Are you nuts?
SAL
You pawned it.
KAT
Not exactly. I wear it.
(defiantly)
On my right hand. And only rarely.
Just then, the door BUZZES. Kat turns. It’s Jeffrey,
tugging on the handle. Sal scowls.
SAL
You want I nut him in the boat?
KAT
Yes? No. What?
(beat)
Save the patter for the tourists.
SAL
You want me to let him in?
KAT
Of course, don’t be silly.
Sal BUZZES Jeffrey in and gives him the dirty eye before he
disappears into the back.
KAT (CONT’D)
Hey, you!
JEFFREY
Let me guess. Amy presumed I’d
forget the rings.
(off her look)
I think I’m her least favorite
person.
(beat)
You know, I am sorry.
KAT
(warming)
Maybe not her least... There’s
always--
KAT/JEFFREY
Ed’s mother.
They share a moment.
KAT
So, tell me, how’s unmarried life?
JEFFREY
I have regrets.
Kat jumps down his throat, instantly abandoning her false
largesse.
KAT
Whoa, Jeffrey. Slow down. You and
me, we’re the past. I’m not sure
if you noticed, but I’m here with
someone else.
JEFFREY
Kat, we must talk. This guy,
there’s something not quite right.
KAT
It’s called character. God, you’re
predictable.
JEFFREY
Is that why you brought him?
Because of me.
Kat laughs way too hard.
KAT
Don’t be absurd.
Kat is about to walk out the door, but she can’t help
herself. She stops.
KAT (CONT’D)
I brought him here because he’s my
boyfriend. Because I adore him.
Because late at night he takes me
in his arms and....
Kat leans in and whispers something into Jeffrey’s ear.
KAT (CONT’D)
I’d stick around and explain what
that means, but even if I give you
the instruction manual, it doesn’t
mean you’ve got the tools to get
the job done.
Kat tries not to do a little “fuck-you” jig as she walks out
the door.
EXT. STREET - ST. JOHN’S WOOD
Kat strides away but Jeffrey catches up to her. She secretly
smiles at the power she is exerting over him.
JEFFREY
Kat, wait. I don’t want you hating
me. We’ve never had this talk.
You know how crap I am at this.
KAT
Um, news flash: I don’t give a
shit.
JEFFREY
Kat, stop it. You do. You can’t
even look me in the eye. You went
back to the States when we split
up.
Jeffrey sees Kat flinch. He knows he’s hit something. She
looks away.
KAT
That was a long time ago.
JEFFREY
It was. And it took your sister
getting married to get you back
here.
KAT
(wavering)
So, what’s your point?
JEFFREY
I should have told you why I broke
up with you. I was a coward. You
deserve to know.
Just then Nick walks up. He puts a protective hand on Kat’s
back and shakes Jeffrey’s hand.
NICK
Hey, man.
JEFFREY
Sorry, can you give us a moment?
NICK
No, I can’t. We’re late for a
dance lesson. I guess you’ll have
to finish up later.
Kat gives Nick an angry look as he pulls her away.
INT. DANCE CLUB STAIRCASE
Kat, furious, charges up the stairs--
NICK
Hello, goodbye, I want you, I hate
you. It’s all just words. None of
it means anything. What matters is
what you do. You either stay put
or you walk away. If you look
back, you’re not walking away!
KAT
Oh, cut the crap!
NICK
I just hate seeing you so stuck.
KAT
He was about to un-stick me!
(hissing)
I paid you to help me get closure.
NICK
You paid me for a lot of reasons.
Closure wasn’t one of them.
Kat is infuriated. She huffs and pushes open the door.
INT. STEP-BALL-CHANGE DANCE CLUB
Nick and Kat burst in, late. Glistening hardwood floors,
mirrored walls. Eyes closed and hands clasped, Amy and Ed
stand in a circle with SONJA, late 50’s, the melodramatic
dance teacher. Kat and Nick join the circle.
KAT
(mumbling)
Sorry.
Sonja barely tolerates the interruption, closes her eyes and
breathes in deeply.
SONJA
The wedding dance is, sans doubte,
the most important dance-moment in
a person’s life.
Ed cracks open his eyes to see if anyone else thinks this is
a crock of shit. Nick catches Ed’s eye. Amy darts Ed a “pay
attention” look.
SONJA (CONT’D)
A room full of friends, family,
enemies...watching, smiling,
betting on how long the marriage
will last. All you’ll have is each
other and whatever skills you
acquire today.
Kat’s grip on Nick’s hand tightens. Ed cracks open his eyes
again. This time, he looks unnerved.
SONJA (CONT’D)
There are people who will tell you
that the wedding dance is symbolic of
a couple’s compatibility. Of a
rapport that cannot be faked. That
an unskilled man on the dance floor
is a man who lacks grace in bed.
(beat)
These people are right.
Sonja claps three times.
SONJA (CONT’D)
Eyes open and pair off!
They all open their eyes wide.
INT. STEP-BALL-CHANGE DANCE CLUB - MOMENTS LATER
Ed and Amy dance awkwardly to a standard as Sonja gives them
instructions.
ANGLE ON KAT AND NICK, dancing sedately, if awkwardly. There
is still tension between them. Kat, contrite, dares a glance
into his eyes.
KAT
I’m sorry I was such a bitch. I
really appreciate your doing this.
NICK
(simply)
It’s my job.
Kat gazes deep into his eyes. A long look. The longest
she’s been able to sustain since the boat. She can’t read
him.
SONJA (O.S.)
(to Amy and Ed)
She knows you better than anyone.
You know her better than she knows
herself. Where does that feeling
live? I don't care if it's your
heart, your head, or your crotch.
Find that place and dance from it.
KAT
You know what pisses me off? I’ve
been spilling my guts all weekend
but I don’t know anything about
you. Not one thing.
Nick looks down at her, considering.
NICK
I’m allergic to fabric softener, I
majored in Comparative Literature
at Brown, and I think I’d miss you
even if we had never met.
Kat blinks, the power of his words hitting her hard. They
dance a moment in silence.
KAT
Now will you tell me how you became
an escort?
Nick smiles enigmatically. Then without warning--
NICK SPINS KAT AROUND, THEN REELS HER IN TIGHT.
In a hyper-romantic cinematic flourish,
THE FLOOR SWELLS AND THE WALLS DISAPPEAR.
The music sharpens as if it’s no longer coming from an old
record player but from a classic MGM soundtrack.
Nick and Kat are weightless as they glide across the floor.
Their eyes stay locked on each other as though it were this
connection, and not gravity, that keeps them on earth.
Kat and Nick seem to slow down but the world stays at normal
speed.
ON SONJA, astonished. She stops and watches.
ON AMY AND ED, as they notice what’s going on. They stop
dancing and stare, too, slacked-jawed, as Nick and Kat float
past, completely wrapped up in each other.
Nick and Kat are incredible together.
The music CRESCENDOS as Nick gracefully spins Kat to a
perfect stop.
ED
So you can’t dance, eh? Bloody
liar.
Nick and Kat crash back to earth. They stop dancing. The
walls close in and the music sucks back into the speakers.
ED (CONT’D)
I thought you said you were crap.
NICK
I had to say something to get you
here.
ED
Fair enough, but I’m stepping on
toes here and you’re waltzing
around like...
AMY
Fred Astaire and what’s her face!
NICK
It’s not me. I swear. It’s her.
She’s magic.
Kat blushes. Sonja claps her hands, happily.
SONJA
And, switch partners!
EXT. STEP-BALL-CHANGE DANCE CLUB - LATER
Nick, Kat, Amy, and Ed walk out of the studio. Ed skips down
the steps and onto the street. Then he realizes what he’s
doing and abruptly stops.
ED
You’d better get going. My parents
will be ‘round to cart you off to
the country.
AMY
Whatever you do, don’t mention
Italy. Or politics. Or baby
buggies.
(beat)
Or Edith Piaf.
ED
Your probably best off pretending
you’re asleep.
Ed grabs Amy by the neck and pulls her away.
Amy laughs but Kat catches a look on her sister’s face. It’s
not quite nervousness. It’s something closer to panic. Amy
waves over her shoulder as they walk away.
CUT TO:
A BOAT SAILING ACROSS FRAME, WIDER TO REVEAL--
EXT. KAT’S HOUSE - ST. JOHN’S WOOD
Victor tows the boat with an annoyed Bunny in the passenger
seat. As they pull out of the driveway, they wave to Nick,
who sits on a stone wall in front of the house.
Nick talks on his cell phone, Kat’s bags piled high next to
him, as Pigeons walk and flap around him.
Kat appears carrying two bottles of water. When Nick sees
Kat, he hangs up too quickly. Kat pretends not to notice.
She eyes the pigeons suspiciously.
KAT
Pigeons creep me out. They’re like
dirty doves...plotting something.
Nick playfully pulls Kat down next to him. Spooked by the
increasing number of pigeons, Kat inches away from them and
closer to Nick. Kat frowns, suddenly pensive.
KAT (CONT’D)
How do you have real relationships?
You know, ones you don’t get paid
for?
Nick isn’t sure he wants to get into this.
KAT (CONT’D)
You have had girlfriends?
NICK
Sure, but it’s never easy. They
say they’re okay with it, and they
are...for a while. Then one day,
they’re not.
They sit in silence. It’s not awkward, it’s nice. London
beams under a rare cloudless sky.
NICK (CONT’D)
When I said I’d never done a
wedding before, I didn’t say that
no one ever asked. I just never
said yes.
KAT
So, why’d you say yes to me?
NICK
There was something in your voice
on the phone that day.
KAT
Desperation?
Nick doesn’t acknowledge her joke. Kat sneaks a look at him.
NICK
I think it was hope.
Kat hides a smile as her leg touches his. They are both
keenly aware of the contact.
KAT
What would you do if you weren't an
escort?
NICK
Make out with you for free.
Nick puts his arm around her. Kat laughs.
NICK (CONT’D)
What would you do if you stopped
worrying about what other people
think?
KAT
Spontaneously combust?
They sit in silence a moment. Just then, Ed’s parents drive
up in a beautiful old Bentley. Ed’s mother reaches over her
embarrassed husband and HOOTS the horn.
INT/EXT. BENTLEY [DRIVING]- LATER
George drives through the lush countryside while Lydia
carries on. In the back seat, Kat drops her head on Nick’s
shoulder; they’ve clearly been enduring this awhile.
KAT, NICK, AND ED’S PARENTS -- SCENE FORTHCOMING.
CUT TO:
EXT. FLETCHER-WOOTEN ESTATE
Nick, Kat, and Ed’s parents unload the Bentley and carry
their bags up the steps of a stately stone mansion.
EXT. BOATHOUSE - FLETCHER-WOOTEN ESTATE - LATER
A small boathouse sits at the edge of a charming lake that
borders the main property. Nearby, “Jack Ship” struggles to
say afloat as PASTY KIDS sun themselves on the moored junker.
Ed mans an elaborate grill as GUESTS in summer hats mill
about.
AT A PICNIC TABLE, Victor plays poker with Nick, Kat, and TJ.
From the pile of money in front of him, it’s clear Victor’s
kicking ass. Victor throws in ten pounds.
TJ
(shrewd poker voice)
You know, I might just call you...
but if I did...I would lose...
because my hand blows.
She throws down her cards. Kat studies her hand and tosses
in a bill.
KAT
Call.
All eyes are on Nick.
VICTOR
Let’s see what kind of a man my
daughter’s found for herself.
Nick looks down at his money. Ten pounds. He reaches into
his pocket and pulls out a HUGE WAD OF CASH. Everyone is in
shock but he doesn’t notice. He strips off a hundred, tosses
it in the pot, and takes back sixty.
NICK
Raise you thirty.
Victor raises an eyebrow.
ON TJ, looking at Nick. She leans over to Kat and whispers--
TJ
(re: Nick’s penis)
Can I see it? Just for a sec?
Kat laughs and hits TJ.
TJ (CONT’D)
Come on, it’s so not fair. At
least describe it to me.
Just then, Nick's cell phone RINGS. Victor plucks the phone
out of Nick's hand. Kat darts a worried look at Nick and
reaches for the phone.
KAT
Daddy!
Victor won’t give it up. He answers.
VICTOR
(into phone)
I’m sorry, Nick's about to win a
pile of my money. He's gonna have
to call you back.
Kat and Nick are frozen as Victor listens.
VICTOR (CONT’D)
Thank you for your understanding,
ma’am. And good luck putting out
that fire.
He hangs up the cell phone and looks quizzically at Nick.
VICTOR (CONT’D)
What is it you do again?
NICK
What would you say if I told you I
was a member of an elite task force
employed to safeguard our nation’s
most precious resource: your
daughter.
Victor snorts.
VICTOR
Oh, yeah, shrink. Call.
Kat hides her relief. Victor throws in the cash.
VICTOR (CONT’D)
Let me save you some trouble. My
old man hit the bottle like it was
his job and he had a mean streak as
wide as the English Channel. So,
me? I drink in moderation and have
never raised my voice around a kid.
Kat throws in thirty pounds. Victor lays down a PAIR OF ACES
AND TWOS.
VICTOR (CONT’D)
What do you say to that?
NICK
I say that feeling compelled to do
the opposite of your parents is as
enslaving as emulating them.
Nick lays down his hand. THREE KINGS. Victor shakes his
head. Nick glances at Kat. She twinkles at him, then lays
down a LOW STRAIGHT.
VICTOR
That’s my girl!
She does a little dance as she swipes the pile of money
toward her. Nick can’t believe it.
VICTOR (CONT’D)
Best thing about being a dad is
when your kid starts kicking your
ass--
NICK
--and The ass of The man who adores
her.
Nick rises from the table, but his comment lingers. Kat
searches his face, wondering if he was serious. He holds her
gaze a moment, then begins picking up the cards.
Ed appears holding a plate piled high with bangers.
ED
Anybody seen my future-wife?
(re: sausages)
She’ll kill me if I don’t serve her
first.
KAT
Have you guys ever had a real,
honest-to-God fight?
Ed thinks about that.
ED
(lying)
Of course.
KAT
Yeah, right.
ED
I hear that make-up sex is the best
kind. Unfortunately, I’ll never
know.
Victor calls out to Nick--
VICTOR
Hey, Sigmund, you think you could
rustle up the bride and tell her to
join the party?
NICK
Will do.
Nick smiles at Kat and heads toward the boathouse. Kat
watches with a hint of apprehension.
FOLLOW NICK, walking across a carpet of pine needles. He
passes through a latticework of shadows and steps into the
boathouse--
INT. BOATHOUSE - FLETCHER-WOOTEN ESTATE - SAME
NICK’S POV: Amy and Jeffrey, their backs turned, are in the
middle of an argument.
AMY
(pulling her arm away)
I said no! I’m getting married
tomorrow! What do you want from
me?
Amy turns and sees Nick. Her face falls. Jeffrey sees him,
too, and blanches, then badly covers--
JEFFREY
Right, then. I’ll get you a
Tofurky Burger instead.
Jeffrey walks out stiffly and Amy, mortified, turns and
stares blankly out the window.
NICK
Sorry to interrupt. Your dad sent
me.
AMY
What for?
NICK
To make sure you’re okay.
Amy turns around and looks at the tiny boathouse. Although
it had looked perfect to us before, under her gaze, we see
all the cracks and dirt.
AMY
You know all that “if these walls
could talk” stuff? Do you believe
it? That a place has a memory?
NICK
Actually, I do.
Amy’s expression clouds as her eyes fall on the bedroom door.
Through the open door, Nick can see a small bed surrounded by
bookshelves.
AMY
This place has been in Ed’s family
forever. We used to spend weekends
out here every summer.
(with a sigh)
God, I hope it doesn’t remember
everything.
LAUGHTER floats in from outside, an ironic soundtrack to
Amy’s desperation.
Nick pushes out the chair across from him. Amy looks at him
a moment, then sits down.
EXT. LAKE
Kat is standing with her mother, absentmindedly looking for
Nick, when Jeffrey approaches.
JEFFREY
May I have a word? It’ll be just a
minute.
BUNNY
Let me think. You stole seven
years of her life with your charm
and your bullshit and now you want
a couple more minutes? Sure. Go
right ahead.
As Jeffrey walks away, Kat whispers to her mother.
KAT
Thanks for the solidarity, but next
time? A little less information.
Kat follows Jeffrey toward the lake.
INT. BOATHOUSE - FLETCHER-WOOTEN ESTATE
Amy is now sitting across from Nick at the kitchen table.
Nick is shell-shocked.
NICK
Does Kat know?
Amy doesn’t even bother shaking her head.
AMY
It was such a long time ago.
NICK
Still--
AMY
If Ed ever found out....
NICK
Or Kat....
AMY
And she wonders why I swim to the
bottom of a Lemondrop every time I
see her.
Nick pushes back from the table. He’s at a loss for words.
EXT. LAKE
Jeffrey speaks to Kat with disarming sincerity. Kat tries to
keep her guard up, but despite herself, she’s listening.
JEFFREY
You were so good to me. I swear I
never meant to hurt you. We were
together what, five years?
KAT
Seven if you count the on-and-off
years. Which I do.
JEFFREY
Right. Seven.
(realizing)
Christ, that’s a long time, isn’t
it?
KAT
Not for a dog.
JEFFREY
Well, we had a lot of good years,
but then...
Jeffrey fumbles.
KAT
Is this supposed to be an apology?
JEFFREY
It’s not supposed to be anything,
Kat. It’s just my rather feeble
attempt to.... Oh, I don’t know.
(beat)
You see, I thought I could deny my
feelings--
Something catches Kat’s eye: Nick exiting the boathouse.
Even from this distance, she knows that something is wrong.
JEFFREY (CONT’D)
You’re not even listening.
KAT
When we were together I was “too
here,” now I’m not here enough.
FOLLOW KAT, as she walks away from Jeffrey through a stand of
trees and meets Nick.
In the background, Jeffrey watches, confused, then walks
away. Kat reaches out and touches Nick’s arm, tentatively.
KAT (CONT’D)
Are you okay?
Kat’s tenderness finds its way into Nick. It takes him a
moment to recover.
NICK
Yeah. You?
KAT
Yeah.
They look at each other a moment.
KAT (CONT’D)
Let’s go.
EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - DAY
Nick and Kat walk back to the main house. Side by side, they
cut through a picturesque glen. Nick shoots Kat an anxious
glance, deciding whether to reveal what he knows.
Kat catches him and smiles back, sweetly. Nick takes her
hand and kisses it, surprising her. His eyes turn back
toward the house but he doesn’t let go of her hand.
INT. BATHROOM - FLETCHER-WOOTEN ESTATE - NIGHT
Kat is getting ready. She's up on her tiptoes, doing her
make-up in the mirror. The radio is blaring Air Supply. Kat
sings along, passionately, embarrassingly.
Kat was clearly lying about not liking the cheesy greatest
hits. She knows every word. Somehow, she seems different,
freer. She's singing like she means it.
EXT. BALCONY - FLETCHER-WOOTEN ESTATE
Nick and Victor, sipping cocktails, stand on a back balcony
overlooking the party preparations. In the backyard below,
Bunny zips around, hissing orders at the STAFF.
BUNNY
You, with the hair and all the
bright ideas. Paper lantern plus
open flame equals no-no.
VICTOR
That woman is insane. God damn if
I don’t love her.
Nick wants to come clean but can’t find the courage. He
chooses his words carefully.
NICK
Kat does this thing. She stands on
her tiptoes when she’s looking in
the mirror. You ever notice that?
Victor smiles, he knows what Nick’s talking about.
VICTOR
I remember the day I met Kat. It
was in New York. I’d been dating
Bunny for a few months, and she
finally trusted me enough to
introduce me to her kid. So I’m
over at her place and in walks this
little monster that won’t stop
talking.
(remembering)
She hands me a walkie-talkie made
out of an orange juice can and
drags me over to her fort. The
fort was this lop-sided mess of
blankets and the walkie-talkie
almost took my ear off, but she was
having the time of her life.
(shaking his head)
That was it. I was a goner.
A wave of nostalgia passes over him.
VICTOR (CONT’D)
That was the day I became a dad. And
from that moment on, I just knew.
I’d give that little girl everything
she ever needed, I’d love her
unconditionally, and I wouldn’t let
her out of the house until she was
thirty.
Nick laughs.
VICTOR (CONT’D)
You think it’s going to get easier
when they get older. That you’re
going to worry about them less. Or
trust the world more. But that’s
just not how it goes.
They stand in silence a moment.
NICK
I’m not sure if this is going to
make sense to you, Sir, but I’d
like to ask permission to date your
daughter.
Victor gives Nick an intense but unreadable look.
VICTOR (CONT’D)
The ladies are fond of you, Nick.
I can see that. I also see that
whatever else you are, you’re a
helluva good guy.
(beat)
She paid a real price dating
Jeffrey. This will be different,
won’t it?
Nick’s not sure what Victor knows. He wants to assure him,
to make promises. Instead, he says nothing. Victor and Nick
look at each other, a silent understanding between them.
EXT. GARDEN - FLETCHER-WOOTEN ESTATE - LATER
The rehearsal dinner is underway. Strung with paper
lanterns, the yard looks enchanted. The usual suspects are
packed around a candle-lit table, absorbed in lively
conversation. Jeffrey, brooding, doesn’t engage, just drinks
heavily.
At the center of it all, Nick is quietly relishing being a
part of this family dinner. Kat and Nick make eye contact.
They’ve finally caught up with the couple they were
pretending to be at the beginning of the weekend.
Bunny’s voice cuts through the din like a knife--
BUNNY
I blame Tony Pee-Pants!
KAT
Oh, no.
(to Nick)
She tells this story at every major
holiday.
BUNNY
Why should this be any different?
(taking Nick’s arm)
Besides, I have to initiate Nick
into the family.
(to Nick)
I blame Tony for why my two girls
can’t seem to get along.
Kat and Amy moan, here we go.
BUNNY (CONT’D)
Oh, don’t deny it. You barely
tolerate each other.
TJ
It’s true. All you have in common
is that you both secretly want to
be me.
(raising her glass)
Cheers.
KAT
(to Nick)
She blames Tony Pee-Pants
Pinterello for everything. The
fall of the British Empire, the
Cold War, the internet.
BUNNY
It was just after we moved here.
My little girls got in a fight over
Tony Pee-Pants and they haven’t
made up since.
Amy rolls her eyes, saves them all from Bunny by telling the
story herself.
AMY
Apparently, Kat and I were
inseparable.
BUNNY
If Kat ate a banana, Amy threw it
up.
TJ
If Amy threw it up, Kat ate it.
Lydia is vaguely disgusted. She pulls a face. Bunny waves a
hand in front of her eyes. This story always kills her.
KAT
We were eating and puking together
in harmony until one day, Tony
walked me home from school. He was
my first boyfriend.
(pointedly)
I was fourteen.
AMY
So Tony Pee-Pants starts ignoring
Kat. He wanted to play with me.
KAT
You practically bribed him with
your erector set.
NICK
(aside, to Kat)
Fourteen and he’s hoodwinked by a
an erector set?
KAT
I didn’t say he was worth it.
They share a private smile.
AMY
Whatever. The point is, Tony ended
up with a chair in his face.
BUNNY
(in her defense)
It was plastic. And child-sized.
But there were some stitches
involved.
TJ
Like fifteen.
KAT
Dad made me go over and apologize
the next day.
BUNNY
I’m an American and in America,
people sue. So to prevent a
lawsuit, I baked a tart. And I
don’t bake.
KAT
So Dad rang the bell and when Tony
Pee-Pants opened the door, I threw
the tart at him and popped his
stitches.
Victor laughs, remembering. Bunny hits him on the arm.
VICTOR
Sorry.
He chuckles again.
VICTOR (CONT’D)
You should have seen his face--
(he makes a surprised
face)
Then, boom. Right in the kisser.
BUNNY
(shaking her head)
What happened to my little angels?
Amy and Kat both ignore their mother, who’s misting up.
NICK
And that’s when he peed in his
pants? After the tart?
KAT
He bled a bunch, but no, there was
no peeing.
NICK
So what’s with the nickname?
They all think about that.
BUNNY
I have absolutely no idea.
Everyone laughs.
EXT. GARDEN - FLETCHER-WOOTEN ESTATE - LATER
Many of the guests have gone. Empty bottles of wine litter
the table. Only the immediate family, TJ, Nick and Jeffrey
remain. Jeffrey’s still drinking heavily and Kat’s not at
the table.
INT. WINE CELLAR - FLETCHER-WOOTEN ESTATE
Kat pulls a bottle of wine off the top shelf just as someone
comes up behind her. Kat feels a hand on her back, spins
around and drops the bottle. Jeffrey reaches out and grabs
it before it drops. She looks at his somber face, takes the
bottle, and sets it back on the shelf.
KAT
Okay, let’s do this. What’s the
big confession?
EXT. GARDEN - FLETCHER-WOOTEN ESTATE - SAME
Nick looks for Kat. Concern crosses his face as he notices
that Jeffrey’s gone, too. Nick picks up a couple of empty
wine bottles off the table.
INT. KITCHEN - FLETCHER-WOOTEN ESTATE - MOMENTS LATER
Nick drops the bottles into a recycling bin then looks over
at the basement door.
INT. WINE CELLAR - FLETCHER-WOOTEN ESTATE - SAME
Nick stands at the top of the cellar stairs. He’s
eavesdropping, partially concealed by the half-open door.
JEFFREY (O.S.)
Well, in a way, you were right.
The prob was, you were in love. I
wanted to be. But I wasn’t.
INTERCUT WITH JEFFREY AND KAT:
JEFFREY (CONT’D)
If I’d have confessed, you would
have forgiven me. But the truth
is, I didn’t want to be forgiven.
I sort of just needed it to end.
Kat processes Jeffrey’s words, tries to be open.
JEFFREY (CONT’D)
Bollocks, I’m sorry. I had no idea
this would be so difficult.
KAT
Relax. Take a breath and just say
it. It’s no big deal. I promise.
JEFFREY
Brilliant.
KAT
Well, it was a big deal. As late
as...yesterday. Or this morning.
(beat)
But not anymore.
Nick smiles.
KAT (CONT’D)
And you were right -- it is why I
brought Nick with me...because I
wanted to drive you insane. To
torture you slowly, for the entire
weekend. But then something
happened. I started to fall for
him. And now, and I hope this
doesn’t hurt your feelings, now I’m
sick of you and me, of our story.
Nick, almost giddy with happiness, moves away from the door,
then back towards it again. Finally, he closes it quietly
and leaves.
Downstairs, Kat takes Jeffrey’s hand.
KAT (CONT’D)
It’s the past. It’s nothing but
ghosts. So just get it off your
chest, then let’s go back upstairs
and eat some tiramisu.
JEFFREY
I slept with your sister.
Silence.
KAT
I’m sorry?
JEFFREY
I shagged Amy. Two years ago.
That’s why I ended it. And then,
after you left, sod it, we kept at
it like rabbits until we both
realized it was absolutely mad.
And, you know, morally wrong. Then
there was that one other time. And
that was it.
Kat stares at him, blood pounding in her ears.
JEFFREY (CONT’D)
Last Christmas when Ed proposed, I
realized...I’m in love with her. I
can’t lose her.
She feels like she’s trapped in a horror movie. She’s got to
get out of here. In a daze, she turns around and heads
toward the stairs.
JEFFREY (CONT’D)
What? Good lord, say something.
You said I should tell you the
truth.
Kat stops dead, her jaw stiffens. When she turns and looks
at him, her face is filled with loathing.
KAT
I wasted two years grieving this?
Kat laughs. It is so close to tears, that the sound catches
in her throat. She shakes her head, wearily, and
mechanically walks up the stairs.
EXT. GARDEN - FLETCHER-WOOTEN ESTATE
Kat emerges like a sleepwalker. She looks for Nick, doesn’t
find him anywhere. She drifts toward the table. Jeffrey
appears in the doorway behind her.
TJ is the first to look up. She sees Kat’s face, sees
Jeffrey, and knows what happened. TJ goes to Kat.
TJ
Oh, no. He told you.
KAT
You knew?
TJ
I’m so sorry.
Kat shakes her head and looks past TJ to Amy. Amy meets her
sister’s gaze and instantly gets it. Desperate to keep this
from Ed, she heads Kat off.
AMY
Please don’t say anything.
Kat looks at Amy like they’ve never met. Amy’s eyes are
wild, silently pleading.
AMY (CONT’D)
Please.
Kat has never felt more alone. She looks everywhere for
Nick.
He finally emerges from the house and comes to Kat’s rescue,
folding her in his arms. Kat holds onto him for dear life.
Then--
AMY
(to Nick)
I can’t believe you told her!
Kat pulls away from Nick, confused. As she stumbles
backwards, all she sees is Nick’s face. All she hears is
Amy’s voice, miles away.
AMY (O.S.)
You said your job was discretion.
You couldn’t wait until you got
back to New York?
Bunny and Victor watch, confused, as Kat runs out. Nick runs
after her as Ed approaches Jeffrey.
ED
What’s going on?
Jeffrey looks straight at his best friend.
JEFFREY
Nothing.
ED
(skeptical)
Doesn’t look like nothing.
Jeffrey puts his arm around Ed.
JEFFREY
Now is not the time to catch on.
(re: Ed’s empty glass)
It is, however, time for another
round.
EXT. FLETCHER-WOOTEN ESTATE
Kat staggers down the moonlit lane. She’s barely staving off
a breakdown. Nick runs up behind her.
NICK
Kat!
Kat charges forward, blindly, as Nick follows.
NICK (CONT’D)
Come on! Don’t be--
Kat’s anger swells, she spins around.
KAT
What?! I can’t believe I trusted
you! How could you not tell me!?
Nick sees the pain in Kat’s face. It’s pain for Jeffrey, for
the past.
NICK
(angrily)
Jesus, Kat. What did you want me
to say? That your sister slept
with your fiancé? That everybody
knew and no one respected you
enough to tell you?
Nick is not used to being angry. He grows uneasy, hedges--
NICK (CONT’D)
Besides, you hired me for my
discretion.
KAT
You’ve always got that to hide
behind, don’t you? It’s just
business!
NICK
Yeah! For all I know, come Monday
morning, we’ll go back to the real
world and...and you’ll be hiring me
for your best friend!
Kat’s face fills with hurt.
NICK (CONT’D)
I mean, come on. Did you actually
think we’d be boyfriend and
girlfriend?
This stops Kat a moment, then--
KAT
You let me make a fool of myself!
You lied to me! I don’t know why
that surprises me because lying is
what you do. It’s your job. It’s
who you are. How would you even
know if something were real?
NICK
You’re judging me?! Oh, that’s a
good one. You’re lying to me,
you’re lying to your family, and
you’re lying to yourself. But
you’re going to stand there and
point a finger at me? The man you
hired to pretend to be your
boyfriend?
Silence. Each wants the other to fight for it. But neither
does. Kat gives up.
KAT
You’re right. I was so desperate
to make everyone believe I was
happy that I spent six grand on a
lie. And after all that? The only
one who ended up falling for it was
me.
NICK
Go ahead, Kat. Hate me. You were
running out of steam on the whole
Jeffrey thing. Maybe now you’ll be
able to hold onto this just long
enough to ruin your next
relationship.
Nick’s had enough. He turns and walks away, leaving Kat
stunned.
EXT. FLETCHER-WOOTEN ESTATE - LATER
The party is over, the house lights low. Moonlight washes
over Nick as he carries his packed suitcase to his car. Ed
comes out of the house, jogs up to Nick.
NICK
I’ll just check into a hotel.
ED
Don’t be ridiculous. It’s late and
the place is empty. Just take my
car.
Ed hands him a set of keys.
ED (CONT’D)
I don’t know what’s going on with
you two, but I’m sure it’ll work
out. You couldn’t be more perfect
for her if she picked you out of a
catalogue.
Nick smiles, wearily.
NICK
Thanks, man.
Nick tosses his bag in back and gets in the car.
INT. SITTING ROOM - FLETCHER-WOOTEN ESTATE - SAME
Kat stands at the window, her eyes puffy. She watches as
Nick drives away, then she turns around.
Her mom and dad wait in the darkened living room. Kat tries
to be strong, but then she goes to her father, burying
herself in his arms. Bunny hides a pang of disappointment as
she gently touches Kat’s head.
INT. KAT’S ROOM - FLETCHER-WOOTEN ESTATE - LATER
Kat straightens up her room. A KNOCK on the door and Amy
walks in.
AMY
Hey.
KAT
Hey.
Kat keeps cleaning up.
AMY
I just wanted to say thank you.
For not outing me in front of Ed.
I want to tell him. Just not on
the night before our wedding. With
these kind of things, timing is
everything.
Kat turns on her sister, she’s smiling.
KAT
You’re right. You should really
time it right so when he hears that
you repeatedly screwed his best
friend, he doesn’t feel like the
world is collapsing around him and
there’s no escape because you
tricked him into marrying you.
Amy wasn’t ready for Kat’s intensity, she backs towards the
door.
AMY
You know what? I’m not having this
conversation right now.
KAT
Sure, disappear. We’ve been
walking away our whole lives.
Amy turns around and faces Kat, willing to hear anything.
KAT (CONT’D)
I’m not even going to discuss the
fact that you screwed my fiancé
because you’ve always been a
spoiled, amoral, little princess.
Amy looks horrified but Kat’s not backing down.
KAT (CONT’D)
But I put up with all of it because
I really believed that deep down,
you loved me and you were a good
person. I really thought you
deserved someone like Ed. God I
envied you guys. Somehow, he made
your selfish bullshit seem okay.
Almost endearing.
Amy looks at Kat with tears in her eyes.
KAT (CONT’D)
And now I know. You didn’t deserve
any of it. You were just lucky.
Kat looks at her sister, sadly.
KAT (CONT’D)
Don’t worry, Amy. Your wedding
will be perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll
smile and say all the right things
and you’ll deal with Ed when you’re
ready. But right now, tonight, I
can’t pretend it’s okay.
Amy, stricken, exits. As she leaves, her shoulders start to
shake. She is crying. Kat’s reflex is to go to her, but she
stops herself. It’s too soon to forgive. She walks over and
closes the door.
INT. BOATHOUSE - FLETCHER-WOOTEN ESTATE - SAME
Nick stands, alone in the darkened boathouse, speaking on his
cell phone.
NICK
And that’s the first flight out?
He writes something down on a piece of paper.
NICK (CONT’D)
All right, thank you.
He hangs up and sits down on the edge of the bed. He looks
at the floor. At nothing.
INT. KAT’S ROOM - FLETCHER-WOOTEN ESTATE
Kat lies in bed. She stares at the ceiling. At nothing.
CUT TO:
INT. KAT’S ROOM - FLETCHER-WOOTEN ESTATE - MORNING
Kat’s eyes flutter open. She’s not refreshed and she doesn’t
feel better. The only thing that’s changed is that it’s
morning. Kat looks up at the ceiling.
KAT (O.S.)
I’m okay.
CU ON KAT’S FACE, STARING INTO CAMERA. SHE SEES NOTHING.
INT. HAIR DRESSER - DAY
Kat’s make-up is flawless and her hair is perfect but her
eyes are clouded with pain and sleeplessness.
BUNNY (O.S.)
I don’t believe you.
Bunny sits next to Kat in a barber’s chair.
KAT
No, I’m fine, really. Nothing a
bottle of Jack and a straight razor
can’t fix.
Kat’s trying to be light, but her eyes are a dead giveaway.
Kat draws in a long breath, trying to summon some semblance
of joy.
KAT (CONT’D)
Anyway, it doesn’t matter. Today’s
Amy’s day.
She braves a glance at her mother’s face. Bunny’s not
buying.
EXT. CAR PARK - HAIR DRESSER
Kat stands in the car park behind the salon, furtively
sucking on a cigarette as she pulls off an old nicotine
patch. Choking, she throws down the cigarette as the salon
door opens and Bunny steps out.
BUNNY
What’s going on with you two?
KAT
I was pretty hard on her last
night.
(welling up)
And now she’s getting married.
BUNNY
There’s a reason I always tell that
Tony Pee-Pants story, you know.
KAT
Trust me. This is bigger than Tony
Pee-Pants.
BUNNY
(pressing on)
Before Tony, you and your sister
were best friends. I couldn’t
split you up. If your sister ate
the spinach, you ate the spinach.
If you threw up--.
KAT
Mom, please.
BUNNY (CONT’D)
Anyway, when that boy came over, it
was the first time you ever did
anything without her.
(beat)
And Amy wasn’t just jealous...she
was sad and lonely. She missed
you.
KAT
She did?
BUNNY
So she flirted with Tony, and you
got mad and sent him away. Who did
that leave?
(beat)
You and Amy. Reunited.
Kat stands, stunned, as Bunny brushes her hand against Kat’s
cheek.
BUNNY (CONT’D)
I wish I had known it would go by
so fast.
Kat watches, full of emotion, as Bunny leaves with tears in
her eyes.
INT. CHURCH
A series of images as Wedding preparations transform the
austere church. A carpet is unrolled down the aisle. A
bouquet is affixed to a pew. Programs are laid out.
CUT TO:
A HAND ZIPPING UP A SUITCASE.
INT. BOATHOUSE - FLETCHER-WOOTEN ESTATE
Bag in hand, Nick locks up the boathouse and sets the keys on
top of the door frame.
EXT. FLETCHER-WOOTEN ESTATE
Limos wait outside both Kat’s house and the house next door.
Bunny fusses with Amy’s dress as they walk toward the car.
Victor and Kat follow, arm in arm.
ANGLE ON VICTOR AND KAT. Victor looks at Kat, who is trying
to be brave. It’s almost working.
INT. ANNEX - CHURCH
Amy nervously fusses with her dress when Kat walks in. Kat
stops when she sees her sister, glowing in a beam of dusty
light. It takes Kat’s breath away.
KAT
Wow. You look beautiful.
AMY
Yeah. Most important day of my
life. Whatever. Listen, I chose
you to be my Maid of Honor for a
lot of reasons: I love you, you’re
my favorite, and only, half-sister,
blah blah blah. But the main
reason I picked you is because
you’ve been so miserable for the
past few years, I knew you wouldn’t
outshine me.
(beat)
But here it is, my big day. My big
day. And something doesn’t feel
right. Maybe it was that pep talk
you gave me last night, I don’t
know, but your misery just isn’t
working for me anymore.
Amy tries to keep up her tough attitude but when she levels
her gaze at Kat, her eyes cloud with a regret deeper than we
thought her capable of.
AMY (CONT’D)
It was a horrible thing I did to
you. I’m really sorry.
Amy takes her sister’s hand. Then lets it drop.
AMY (CONT’D)
I know you hate when I get what I
want. But right now, all I want is
for you to be happy.
ON KAT as this sinks in.
EXT. CHURCH
Kat pushes open the heavy church doors. Organ music floods
out as Kat surreptitiously looks up and down the street.
Victor appears behind her. Kat looks at her dad and forces a
smile. Victor knows she’s upset.
VICTOR
So why’d you let him go?
KAT
It’s complicated, Dad.
VICTOR
(ironically)
Oh, well, then. It probably won’t
work out.
Victor stops and faces her, his voice full of meaning.
VICTOR (CONT’D)
I read a fascinating article in the
New Yorker once and this guy said:
“Every woman has the exact love
life she wants.” You know what? I
agree. And I refuse to believe
that this is what you want.
Kat is overwhelmed but Victor continues.
VICTOR (CONT’D)
Ever since you were a little kid,
you’ve been trying to please other
people. And in return for your
services, all they’ve done is
disappoint you.
(beat)
So tell me, is this the guy for
you?
Kat thinks about this.
KAT
Yeah.
VICTOR
Then for once in your life, do
something for yourself.
Kat looks at him gratefully and makes a silent decision.
INT. CAR [DRIVING]
Kat speeds down the road in her parents’ car. The empty boat
trailer clatters behind her.
INT. CHURCH
Amy watches through a crack in the door as the GUESTS take
their seats.
INT. ANNEX - CHURCH
Amy paces nervously. Ed knocks and enters, covering his eyes
so he doesn’t see her dress.
ED
Your mother said you’d like a quick
word.
Amy takes Ed’s hands away from his eyes. From the look on
her face, Ed knows something is wrong.
INT. WOODS
Kat races through the woods, trying to keep her dress from
catching on the branches that whip at her on all sides.
INT. CHURCH
The Guests are all seated now, and the organ has begun its
mood music. In the atrium just outside the church, the
entire wedding party, minus Amy and Ed, is gathered, waiting.
EXT. BOATHOUSE - FLETCHER-WOOTEN ESTATE
Kat bursts into the clearing, her hair tousled, her dress
nightmarish. She tries to catch her breath as she looks up
to the porch of the boathouse. This is supposed to be the
part where she sees Nick and they live happily ever after.
INT. BOATHOUSE - FLETCHER-WOOTEN ESTATE
Kat desperately searches the rooms of the boathouse. By the
time she gets to the kitchen, she knows it’s going to be
empty. She opens the door, anyway.
Nick’s gone. On the kitchen table, a brown envelope. Kat
picks it up. Written on the front: KAT. She turns it over
to open it. On the back it reads: “IT’S ALL THERE, TRUST
ME.” Kat laughs at how well Nick knows her. Her eyes fill
with love.
INT./EXT. CAR [DRIVING]
Inside the car, Nick’s face is stoic as he drives, his carryon
on the seat next to him.
INT. ANNEX - CHURCH
Amy faces Ed, her eyes red and puffy.
AMY
I was too scared to tell you. I
thought you’d never speak to me
again. I’m so sorry.
Ed is reeling, he just stares at Amy, saying nothing. Amy’s
finally doing her penance. The silence is killing her.
AMY (CONT’D)
Say something. Please.
ED
I knew you were still seeing
someone else when we finally got
together. I never in a million
years would have dreamt it was
Jeffrey.
Ed shakes his head, trying to understand.
ED (CONT’D)
Does Kat know?
AMY
Jeffrey told her last night.
ED
Last night?
Ed winces, remembering, then lets out a growl.
ED (CONT’D)
That worthless bastard!
Ed staggers towards the door.
INT. CHURCH
Ed slams the door on his way out of the annex. He charges up
the aisle, past the pews full of guests.
Guests MURMUR in surprise. Ed picks up speed. He's like a
heat-seeking missile that's found its mark:
JEFFREY, stands at the back, chatting up a DUMPY BRIDESMAID.
He turns just in time to see Ed running up the aisle. TJ
spots Ed, too.
Jeffrey’s seen this movie before –- he knows he’s about to
get his ass kicked.
Jeffrey drops everything and starts running. At that moment,
TJ grabs a FLOWER GIRL and uses the little girl to trip
Jeffrey. He falls, scrambles back up and keeps running.
EXT. STREET
Kat trudges up the church steps, her head down. Just then,
the door bursts open and Jeffrey flies out of the church and
races down the street. Moments later, Ed explodes from the
church and takes off after Jeffrey.
Kat watches them run down the street, confused, then goes
inside.
INT./EXT. CAR [DRIVING]
Nick’s staring straight ahead when something
STREAKS PAST HIS WINDOW.
Nick thinks he’s seeing things, looks in the rear-view mirror
to investigate. Just then, ANOTHER FORM STREAKS PAST.
Nick looks out the back window and sees Ed chasing Jeffrey
down the street. Nick shakes his head, but keeps driving.
This family is not his problem anymore.
Nick wills his eyes to stay on the road, but then he can’t
help it. He looks into the rear-view mirror again.
Almost despite himself, Nick throws the car into a U-turn.
He catches up and pulls alongside Ed, who’s still chasing
Jeffrey.
NICK
Hey.
Ed looks over at Nick, but keeps running, his tuxedo
flailing. Nick keeps pace.
ED
(winded)
I look like a total wanker, don’t
I?
NICK
Yeah, kind of.
Ed keeps running.
NICK (CONT’D)
Only way to beat that guy is to
take yourself out of the game.
Ed finally stops running. Wheezing, he bends over to catch
his breath. Nick pulls over.
INT. ANNEX - CHURCH
Back inside, Amy nervously awaits her fate. Kat enters. She
wants to hug Amy, but offers her a tissue instead. Amy takes
it gratefully.
INT./EXT. CAR – LATER
Nick and Ed pull up to the church. Nick turns off the car.
Neither one of them gets out.
ED
You heading to the train station?
NICK
I figured you could pick up your
car tomorrow.
ED
Yeah.
They sit in silence, the church looming in front of them.
ED (CONT’D)
I felt sorry for you last night. I
was sitting there like some smug
arse thinking how lucky I am.
Ed’s clearly struggling. Nick lets him talk.
ED (CONT’D)
I forgave her when I thought it was
just some bloke. Bugger it. Why
Jeffrey?
(beat)
I’ve had her up on a pedestal ever
since...since the day I put her up
there. It’s going to take a long
time for me to get over this.
Nick tries to find the right words of encouragement.
Finally, he takes his best shot.
NICK
Think about it this way: you get
to spend the rest of your life
having make-up sex.
Ed thinks on this a moment. Then he turns to Nick.
ED
Listen, mate, are you coming to
this wedding or not?
EXT. CHURCH
Kat pushes open the heavy doors to take one last look. She
steps outside and the door closes, revealing--
NICK, now dressed in his tux. He smiles at her.
NICK
Hi.
KAT
Hi.
They take each other in.
NICK
When we were fighting last night,
it hit me. No one had ever cared
about me as much as you cared about
Jeffrey. That’s why I was so
angry. I’m sorry I took it out on
you -- I didn’t mean to hurt you.
(beat)
And then, I was going to get out of
here and leave you alone, but
halfway to the station, I realized--
From inside, the WEDDING MARCH begins to play. Nick takes
her face in his hands.
NICK (CONT’D)
I’d rather fight with you than make
love to anyone else.
Kat is speechless. Nick leans down and kisses her like he’s
going to keep on kissing her forever. But then, he breaks
away.
NICK (CONT’D)
I should go.
KAT
What?! No, no. You can’t--
NICK
I have to.
(he smiles)
I’m the best man.
INT. HALLWAY - CHURCH
Nick and Kat stand in a dark doorway, facing the closed door.
They share a secret smile in the dark.
Just then, the USHER opens the door and Nick leads Kat down
the aisle. As they walk, they exchange sidelong glances.
Both are as nervous and excited as school kids.
Behind them, Victor and Amy beam as they await their turn.
Nick leans over and whispers in her ear.
INT. CHURCH – LATER
In the background, Amy and Ed stand at the altar. They hold
hands tightly, grateful to have lost and found each other.
Nick and Kat peek across at each other. They both smile.
KAT (O.S.)
“Today is a day for love and for
beauty. But most of all, it's a
day for truth.”
INT. TENT - FLETCHER-WOOTEN ESTATE - AFTERNOON
Kat speaks into a microphone, trying to deliver her speech.
All around her, she sees faces: Mom, Dad, Amy, Ed, TJ. Kat
looks down at a crumpled scrap of paper.
KAT
I’ve been working on this speech
since these two got engaged. It
was supposed to be touching and
funny.
Kat looks at Nick. He doesn’t have to do anything. He just
is support.
KAT (CONT’D)
I thought I’d come back to England
and have an epiphany. I’d see Amy
and the perfect thing would pop
into my head and it would
encapsulate how and why I love my
sister. But I came home and
everything was a mess and the truth
and beauty line was all I could
come up with.
(beat)
And I think I stole that from the
back of an in-flight magazine.
The GUESTS laugh. Kat looks at her mom.
KAT (CONT’D)
A wonderful woman once said about
Amy: “It’s not that I love her
more, it’s that she lets me love
her.”
Kat raises her glass in a toast.
KAT (CONT’D)
(to Ed and Amy)
It can be the scariest thing in the
world to let someone love you and
to know how to love them back.
Take good care of each other. I
love you both.
Everyone clinks glasses. A few people sniffle or kiss their
dates. Kat and Amy hold each other’s gaze. Nearby, Bunny
watches her little girls with tears in her eyes.
INT. TENT - FLETCHER-WOOTEN ESTATE - DUSK
The STAFF has already started packing up. Ed’s Father
whispers something to the BANDLEADER and pulls his wife out
on the dance floor. He spins her around as “Ma Vie en Rose”
begins to play. She smiles, happily, as they dance.
Ed tries to keep a very drunk Amy away from the present
table. Slouching on the piano, TJ makes out with her date,
Woody, the bartender.
The CAMERA FINDS Kat and Nick on the dance floor.
NICK
Nice speech. I thought it was
“touching”... and “funny.”
KAT
Thank you.
Nick gracefully spins Kat around; they really do dance
beautifully together.
KAT (CONT’D)
Since I’ve generously agreed to go
out with you, I think it’s only
fair that you tell me how you got
into the business?
Kat smiles mischievously. Nick pulls her close. He’s
finally going to tell her.
NICK
You know why I never tell the real
story of how I got into this?
Kat shakes her head, "no." Nick swings her around in an
elaborate dip and kisses her on the neck.
NICK (CONT’D)
Because it’s boring.
(Kat laughs)
Now if you want to hear a good
story, let me tell you the one
about how I got out of it.
Kat and Nick smile at each other as their dancing grows more
effortless. In the background, Ed tugs a half-opened present
out of Amy’s hands and puts it back on the table. She jumps
up on his back and he happily carts her off to the loo.
CUT TO:
A HAND COUNTING MONEY IN THE BROWN ENVELOPE.
EXT. BOATHOUSE - FLETCHER-WOOTEN ESTATE - SAME
A WORKER finishes counting the money, closes the envelope,
and tucks it in his pocket.
The CAMERA PULLS BACK as he walks over to TWO OTHER WORKERS,
who are scraping paint off a hoisted-up “JACK SHIP.”
As the first star appears in the night sky, the music swells
and we slowly make out the sounds of the greatest make-up sex
of all time, echoing in the distance.
FADE TO BLACK.